Floundering

After a visit to a and e in June 2021, with what we thought was a bad case of vertigo, my then fiance, now husband (55) was diagnosed with stage 4 advanced cancer in his brain, lung liver and adrenal gland with the primary being the lung. At that moment, I felt my world had fallen apart. I've been off sick from work (NHS) since his diagnosis and his sole carer as friends and family are so far away.  We married on 4.9.21 at home due to the devasting impact the cancer has had on his body.   He's had sterotactic  radiosurgery on the brain mets and one cycle of chemo which our consultant was dubious about even starting and it's taken its toll. Today we went back to meet her again and she's agreed to one more session of chemo even tho hubby is a lot weaker now, then we will meet with her for a chat cos she's not happy to carry on with the testament if he's so weakened by the first one. Im not sure he's going to cope with it, the first one has floored him already.

 It's almost like he's in denial yet says he fully accepts it is what it is, cos he sure didn't tell his family the reality of what the consultant told us today. If I challenge him about what he thinks was said and what was actually said, he is nasty and spiteful to me. I got upset after the Appt today and where before he hugged me and held me close, he just said 'why are you crying, we've not been told anything new.'  How do I manage this, I have no idea anymore. 

I was always his princess he said, now I'm like cinderella. 

Don't know what I'm saying really, I'm tired, needing a hug and a bloody good cry, x

  • Oh darling, I can only offer a shoulder and an ear but know you’re not alone and I’m sure there are many who know what you’re going through. I’m just waiting for the woman from the hospice to arrive and after the night I had with my husband. I’m just exhausted but I will get back to you as soon as I can. Take a big virtual hug and know people care xx

  • Hey Bbumble,

    Welcome to the club that no-one ever wanted to join.

    Cancer sufferers becoming sullen, introspective, withdrawn, angry and intolerant is, unfortunately, all too common. While we, as carers, can never fully appreciate the physical and emotional torment they are going through, we all too often have to wear the effects of that torment.

    Cancer is an insidious bastard with the mindset of a 2 year old toddler. It will do it's best to destroy relationships as much as it will destroy a physical body. It plays with the sufferers mind and emotions and we tend to bear the brunt of it.

    In saying that, it's perfectly OK to get angry occasionally - but get angry at cancer not at your OH.

    When you find an appropriate moment, tell him how his behaviour is really affecting you (and therefore affecting your ability to provide the care and comfort he deserves). Let him know that your issue is with the behaviour and not necessarily with the person.

    NOTE : Understanding that cancer is possibly the root cause of any outbursts DOES NOT give them a "hall pass" to act like an ass and hide behind cancer as an excuse. 

    The man you fell in love with is, hopefully, still in there. Talk to him.

    Peace,
    Ewen :-)

    The day after your journey ends, the sun will still rise.
    As will you.
  • Hi love , sounds like he is in denial , you have taken it all in and trying to cope with the shock of it all . He on the other hand is trying to mentally stay in control, he’s not admitting to himself the true extent of his illness. So when you try to talk about it , you are reminding him of what he’s trying to push under the carpet.

    He doesn’t mean to be horrible to you honestly, but he’s scared and trying to be matter of fact , because he doesn’t want to admit to himself. Try to look at it this way . You are both trying to live this nightmare, but you are both on different pages at the moment. He needs more time to come to terms with it . He does know , but he’s trying to protect you , by pretending it’s not as bad as it is.

    Me and my husband have been going through this for the last 2 years , I’m the one with cancer , I did exactly what your husband is doing . It’s just apart of this horrible journey we find ourselves on. All I can advise is , try not to confront him too much , he does know what you’re saying is true , he just needs time. 
    Sorry I can’t understand how your feeling , we are on different sides , just wanted to give you an idea of why he is being unkind to you . Take care xx

  • Thank you so much, this absolutely makes sense. I'll talk to him and see if he actually understands the impact his outbursts have on me. Fingers crossed he listens as well as hears what I am saying Blush

  • Thank you hun, and take care also. xx

  • Sorry , I’ve only just read that this group is only for Carers. I’m a newbie. Hope I haven’t offended anyone Heart

  • But in saying that , my husband had a break down , he couldn’t cope with my illness at first. 
    I ended up taking him to the doctors. We have both got PTSD and on medication, which really helps. It takes the anxiety away. 
    The illness is still there , but we can both manage it better now. 
    so I suppose I can also be classed as a carer x

  • We couldn’t talk to each other , it was far too painful. 
    It caused so many arguments and resentment. What worked for us was I’d send a message while he was out , he could read it and think about it without retaliating in a negative way. We both found this line of communication a lot easier . 
    just a thought xx