I am on my journey and tomorrow I start the Radiotherapy for 4 weeks. The last couple of days I have been feeling scared anxious low when It’s silly really because I have got through so much already. At my cancer treatment centre I just burst into tears and these emotions are just hitting me out of nowhere when I thought I was coping. I Ihave had positive results from my DX Onco test but I keep feeling scared that it will come back and just feel so tearful. I am petrified of a machine moving around on my body and am worried in my head that it will pin me down, stupid thoughts I know. I wish I could shake off these feelings but don’t feel positive at the moment.
Thank you for listening to me with my mad thoughts in my head.
Big gentle hugs for you, your thoughts are not mad they are just getting a bit lairy and in your face. We all have different phobias, fears you are human not a robot..
the treatments and surgeries are scary. Instead of trying to fight it with positivity. Try reasoning it through..this is how I talk to myself when anxiety creeps in and starts to grow..
The equipment is checked /tested by staff everyday
The staff have done years of training
They want to help you get the treatment, get your health back and get on with your life.
It's OK to be scared, but I can do this.
I also try visualisation usually lying on a beach with white sand and palm trees sometimes a cocktail ️ sometimes a lovely roast dinner think about the ingredients, the smell, the taste... opening presents around a real fire... Just something to send the brain somewhere of my choosing lol x
I also tell staff I'm really nervous even if it's just a cannula insertion because it's not the elephant in the room anymore. They can't say oh I didn't realise...
Your macmillan friends will all be beside you in that treatment room holding your hand and wittering on in your ear to distract and support you.
You don't have to be fearless, as the saying goes feel the fear and do it anyway... what lovely images you are going conjure up? .. I believe in you Netty
i totally get where you are coming from. As I have anxiety and huge needle and blood phobia coupled with general queezy ness around anything medical I’m not a good candidate for all this!
But. You can do this. Re the machine worries, tell them first. I had a fit when I had to have a mri. I said all sorts of bonkers things like if there was a fire would the machine stop etc, if the radiographer dropped dead would someone else know how to get me out etc. It helped as all my fears were answered and more besides. It got it out there, we even ended up laughing and it made me feel better before my mri, I cane out thinking yes I could do that again.
Also imagine the good this is doing you I always think - how many people and relatives would actually give their right arm to be in this position? If they had told you, we can’t do anything - you would be begging for radiotherapy. This approach is a little more harsh I think but depends on your outlook my hubby is ex military so doesn’t do emotions but on this rollercoaster when I have wobbled ( which is very regularly and very extreme) he has resorted to this tactic. Prob save as a last resort!
Try to stop letting it take over with your fears, and instead think of how much you have already conquered and know that you will look back on this and think “done it”
think of nice things while having your radiotherapy- don’t think of cancer at all
think of Christmas and all the things I’m sure you still have to do!
Here if you need to talk, especially in early hours I hardly sleep!
Keep us posted good luck tomorrow
Thank you Auumn I am going to try that tomorrow and tell them how fearful I really am. They saw me upset yesterday and offered to chat but the lady who has been looking after me at the cancer treatment centre GenesisCare was there for me reassuring me. I have the medicine exercise plan to do first and then the Radiotherapy at 1.35. I am doing what ever they offer me and I have a penny brohn cancer charity appointment next week as they offer meditation counselling reflexology etc as part of my treatment.
it helps when I can put my mad thoughts out on here. After tomorrow hopefully I will be less anxious and I am going to ensure I put the Flamigel RT that they have prescribed 3 times a day. A lady I spoke to yesterday said she used that gel and was fine no reaction apart from fatigue. I hope that will be me also but my boob blistered after my operations because I am allergic to the clear dressings.
I know I need to have it done as a precaution but I keep thinking of what if a cancer cell has been left in my breast even though I have clear margins and clear nodes as they removed 5 from me.
I am going to have to do this day by day like I did when I was first diagnosed. I will definitely try your distraction too as my other half shows me videos or photos on his phone to distract me with the needles and that works.
big hugs Netty xxxx
thank you for sending me a message. I know you are right and I do feel lucky to be here. I am a bit paranoid of cancer because I lost one friend 12 years ago at the age of 32 and my other friend at the age of 53 2 years ago. Now this year has also been awful as my aunt (Mums twin sister) was diagnosed with liver cancer at the end of May. I was devastated to hear that and I didn’t even know I had cancer myself. She knew about my lump as I went to see her and she was feeling it telling me to get it looked at. I had my consultant appointment a week and half later and my aunt was so heavily sedated as her body was giving up that I didn’t get the chance to tell her I knew for a split second how she felt being told you have cancer. Sadly I came out of hospital after surgery on the Thursday and we lost her on the Monday.
I think they are looking after me up there but my initial thought was I am going to die when I was told.
sorry for pouring my heart out and you are right I have got to find the strength to do this tomorrow. I too had the meltdown with the contrast cannula and MRI. It is needles and machines the whole journey that is brutal on us and my emotions have just come out of nowhere, got the better of me and hit me like a brick!
I am counting down the 20 treatments now and then next year my last hurdle is to get my other breast surgery so I match. Come Christmas Day I am definitely going to the pub to have a drink!
Lots of love Netty xx
Good luck with the radiotherapy, we will be thinking of you. I dont think it will be as bad as you think, from what I have heard. I, like you am feeling quite up and down at the moment.. I thought that once everything was "over" - I would be as high as a kite, but I keep thinking "what if it comes back.., what if it comes back... ".
I think we just have to remember that we have been through quite a big ordeal and the shock does start to creep up on you.. You will be fine.. You've clearly been brave and wonderful so far...
Lots of love,
So sorry for your losses, I believe all of your family and friends in this world and the next are rooting for you to get through this next month. With your aunt's passing from cancer during your treatment your emotions are probably shattered because you've been holding it in to get through.
You are not having mad thoughts & feelings they are just your minds way of trying to deal with it. It's a biggie this BC it's normal to cry, be angry, want to run away etc. You are also grieving and have your friends history grieving .. We all have our emotional and physical limits..try not to be hard on yourself...
Be kind to yourself, in your moments of worry breathe slowly and talk to yourself like you would a friend, you can do this x
I'm sorry your having such a rough couple of days. You've been so helpfull to me with your kind messages. Everyone says it's a roller coaster and I definitely see the value in trying to stay positive and fight this thing , but I think its inevitable there will be "wobbles " and sometimes its healthier to let them out. Get it out of your systems not quite what I'm trying to say, but your entitled to have bad days for sure! I hope once you've got a session or 2 under your belt it will be easier.
Still having my scans and waiting to find out what type of cancer it is. Just want to get started now
Take care of yourself xxxx
thank you for your lovely message this cancer business is such a struggle.
I will keep you posted and I am hoping that I will be ok.
Thank you Autumn,
I know that you’re having a tough time too and wish you well.
You are probably right cancer has really affected me with my loses and I think I am angry anxious scared because it chose me and has thrown me off balance because it has changed everything in my life at the moment. I crave to be normal again but have so much fear now. We always think it would never happen to us and you are never prepared for the roller coaster ride that cancer throws at you.
Thank you for your support and I got to breath get through tomorrow and I hope I will feel better again and back on my positive step again.
lots of love Netty xx
Thank you Cheeboe. I know I was in your shoes and understand what you are going through and the frustration you are feeling of waiting on the results and what they are going to do to treat it.
I hope that you get your results soon and they can operate soon to get the tumour out of you or shrink it prior to surgery. I was scared of that bit too and not waking from the general anaesthetic as I had never had any operations in my life before I had cancer. apart from being tender a bit stiff and feeling of my arm connected to a cord which pulled when I lifted my arm which improved as I did my physio exercises, the surgery was ok and probably the easiest bit as you are not aware of what is happening. I have to undergo more surgery next year to the other breast which is my last hurdle. The man thing is that we are under the radar now and they can help us. Tomorrow I am going to shut my eyes and take the advice from the other lovely ladies on here and apply that gel prescribed to me as instructed.
please let me know how you are with your results and I will let you know how I get on tomorrow.
Lots of love Netty xxxx
Hope you got on ok today Netty xxx
Hope you are ok Netty113. How did it go? x x
I did my exercise program first so that helped to distract me and I got the shakes at first but they were really lovely and kept talking to me through it. I didn’t like the machine going side to side but I did it and it was easier than I thought. I have applied the gel when I got home again. It feels a bit tingling but I am bras less today. 19 to go! Xx
i am going to speak to them next week about counselling as I have appointment next week. Xx
hope that you are ok?
Love Netty xx
Hello to all the lovely ladies who have messaged me supporting me over the last few days.
I did it!! I was shaking like a leaf but it was easier than I thought and they assured me that the machine is tested and maintained all the time. I screwed my eyes shut trying to think of being on a beach but I could still see it moving around side to side and there was a bright light but I was too scared to open my eyes. I am feeling ok a little tingling and warmer so I have applied my gel they have prescribed me. Fingers crossed it will be kind to me. 19 more fractions to go!
Thank you so much for all of your support and I am hoping to see about counselling too.
Love Netty xxxx
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