Breast cancer for the under-50s

Breast cancer is far less common in the under-50s, but this can leave younger people with a diagnosis feeling isolated. This group is a place for them to come together, share experiences and support each other.

Disconnected and Isolated

Disconnected
Posted by

Hi, I am new to this group (was recommended to me).

A bit if background. My wife is 41 and was diagnosed in October and had a mastectomy in November.  Chemo due to start next Thursday!!!!

The thing is that at the moment she can only see one outcome.  We have talked about her being on a "path" that only she can walk.  I fully understand this, as I am not the one with cancer. 

One thing she has said on several occasions is that she knows where the path will lead her as she "can see the people waiting for me at the end".

Whilst this appears negative, she sees it as being realistic. 

I try and stay positive for her, but it is hard when no matter what you say, it doesn't seem to make much of a difference to her outlook.

Along with this, she has said since day one that she feels isolated and disconnected from me and to our 2 children (4&7).  Again, I understand this.  But my concern is that she cannot see a way to reconnect.

Has anyone else or partner's experienced the same feeling of isolation?  If so, how do/did you manage to reconnect?

Thank you. xx

Carolyn28
Posted by

hi

welcome to the group, sorry you've had to come and find us

I'm going to add you as a friend and then private message you as I have some thoughts but they're not for broadcasting to the general public.

I was diagnosed in 2015 and it affected me in quite a few ways that I didn't see until recently

for one I didn't renew my railcard for ages as it didn't seem worth it, it's the annual network railcard, it was actually quite a big step for me when I finally did that

historically, I was diagnosed in May 2015 but then we realised my mammogram in 2012 was actually not clear as it had been reported, then I had to wait for surgery as I was deemed non urgent as the biopsy only revealed DCIS but post op pathology showed Her2+ so I then went through six months of chemo, finishing on Christmas Eve 2015.

I still have days where I wobble and wallow but much less now, today happens to be one of those days, hence I'm here, trying to heave a few more people into the life boats

look out for the request

hugs

Carolyn

xx

 real life success stories to remind you that people do survive breast cancer

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/breast-cancer/f/38/t/115457

 

Disconnected
Posted by

Hi Carolyn

Thank you for taking the time to respond and I look forward to your PM.

I am in awe of all the people who have shared their stories and experiences and am hopeful that you have come out the other side in good and long term health.

Best wishes

Jim x

Johnty
Posted by

When you receive a shock like a cancer diagnosis it is natural to go in self defence mode. Its like having the angel on one shoulder, who is full of hope and the devil on the other whispering despair. The truth is you should listen to neither and focus on the reality of the situation you are in. I would recommend raising the subject of counselling with your wife, it might help to change the way she is trying to cope with things. There is a quote I love that goes, alone we can do so little together we can do so much. And now is the right time to put that in to practice. I would get your wife to talk to the nurses at her hospital and they will be able to put her in touch with people who can help, admitting you are vulnerable is not a sign of weakness, but a show of strength. The nurses who supported me through 6 months of chemo were amazing, real love and effection were given and gratefully received. I only had to ask and they were there for me. I hope this helps, best wishes .

J
Disconnected
Posted by

Hi Johnty,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.  We have an appointment next week with the cancer team at the hospital and will try and get her to talk about her thoughts and concerns.

Also the quote is appreciated and is certainly something I will hold on to.

Best wished

Jim

Johnty
Posted by

Ok, that's sounds like a good start, remember cancer treatment is a marathon not a sprint. You will need the patience of a saint and a good sense of humour to carry you through. Don't neglect yourself either, you must take time out for yourself to recharge your batteries. Good luck.

J
Disconnected
Posted by

Hi Johnty

With regards to time for myself, I am amazed by the number of people who want to go for a pint now.  Funny that they never wanted to go for a pint before all this started.

Almost feels like lip service and they would panic if I ever said yes!

Johnty
Posted by

Yes, that's a bit like when people say " come round anytime" which is code for don't come round anytime soon !!!! I have found people's reactions to be quite varied, it's usually a reflection of their own fears about serious illness. Its the reason why so many people don't write a will, they think they are tempting fate ! For my husband taking time for himself is just doing the mundane stuff, like watching something on tv he likes ! Or having a potter round town on his own without me ordering him about. Simple pleasures but luxuries for a man who has benn married to me for 35 years L.O.L

J
wombat.23
Posted by

Hiya ,

Have you suggested to your wife to join this group herself? There is this one and the main breast group which is for all ages but is a lot busier than this one. There are lots of us on here who are post active treatment, and lots going through active treatment. was here helping others when I joined in December 2016! Actually your wife has a similar timeline to me,  gp in October 2016, dx early nov, mx late november, chemo started Jan 4th 2017. 

Cwtches,

Gay xxx