As the Pop song goes "Now I can do what I want to, forever, how am I going to get through?"
We did the talky bit about the future, Carla was concerned and I think was saying it's OK to, the last conversation we had before she slipped into a coma was.
Carla: "You will get over me wont you?"
Mick: "Err..I can't say, I'm not sure"
Carla: "No! You WILL get over me won't you!"
So do we as the "Bereavers Club" feel we have a future? I vacillate between many options, ranging from buggering off to South America as an aid worker to "I have no future, I hate my life" and all things in between.
My immediate future is to resume my language teaching, improve my Italian, Get 1st draft of the synopsis for a Novel Carla gave me done (about a city fox who ends up in the country and how he relates to the practice of "The Hunt") and lose all the bloody towels..
Mid term future lose the stone I put on since Carla died, resume my training, stop buying big tubs of ice cream and eating them in an evening (it was truly hideous), keep off the booze, stop self destructive behaviour.
Long term future get my language teaching into an established business, stay healthy..
I am thinking many of you will be unable to see towards this thing called a future, but we all have one no matter how bleak we see it at the moment, or in a few weeks/months time. I do believe our loved ones departed would be very worried about us not looking forward and maybe a little angry at our retrospective lifestyles. So as hard as this is to contemplate what kind of future can you guys see or hope for, maybe by looking towards that we can begin to climb out of the hole and look to the sky again.
I think the majority of us will stumble on having good days and bad .Some will need counselling others wont .The thing is life goes on and the world dosent stop turning .We will have to move on or be so lost in grief that it destroys us .The truth is at some point the human need for survival will kick in and we will just keep moving on .I suppose I feel that I have to live for Bill I will do things he didnt get a chance to .And every time I achieve something on my own I will say we did it Billy .He had left a bucket list so I will try and do some of the things he wanted plus add my own !! .To sum.up I think every single person in this group is sronger and braver than they think and by supporting each other we will all make it .Take care .
Colin tried to talk of my future without him - I cried every time and said 'I'm not going through this again with anybody!!! Unless it's one of his sons' - any way I've lived on my own before - (cocky bitch!!) I can't see too far ahead, getting from day to day is bad enough! Offers of being the tag along friend or babysitting Nana on holiday isn't on my radar atm. Passports expired anyway!
Duran Duran's song Ordinary World speaks volumes to me. It was one of Colin's favourites. "And as I try to make my way to the Ordinary World, I will learn to Survive".
Testing times ahead, only my 15 hour basic taxable pittance to cover everything going out, definitely miss his wages (must go through those pockets!!) Trial and error, just see how it goes. As for another man, unless his ar$e is decked with diamonds he will have a lot to live up to, Colin was such a romancer with flowers, cards and love letters - some x-ratedI'll have to burn LOL!!
Have a good weekend everyone
My husband had a bucket list. He never got to do any of it, not big things. I am going to try and do some of it for him (not sure I can stomach the regimental reunion, I tried it once and hated it!!! )
My hubby never had a bucket list but when he was told it had spread, just said give me a little more time with my kids, and one more day fishing with my two sons, something so simple he never got.
I cannot see me doing fishing and putting bait on, but never say never, the saying says you cannot teach old dogs new tricks, i could proof them wrong.
Take Care Ellie xx.
When he was diagnosed my husband told his consultant that he wanted to be around to see the next Rugby World cup in 2023, that was never going to happen but it gave him something to hang onto while he went through the chemo.
Ellie you never know you might just surprise us all!
You never know, at least its not bungee jumping,
I have been thinking about it, i know how to make up your own bait, but i do not like worms or maggots and that is what the boys and tom used,
Take Care Lizzy x
Worms and maggots yuk cant you use something less wriggly? You sound like you know a fair bit about it though
You take care too
Only know about making up bait, i used to help him, all different mixtures home made ones, , i could not even think about wriggle things, mind you doing all his garden i have learned to deal with worms, until i found a worm farm, there was this great big piece of dirt or so i thought, touched it and yes, all these pink wriggle things started coming out it was horrible, god you have to laugh, the things we do.
My Mum hates the 'Boilies' day when the kitchen is taken over and weird smells emanate from it! And finally after what seems like hours of banishment, there ready for the freezer are said boilies in various hues, sizes and shapes. Then the freezer is taken over as tray after tray of boilies are put in, frozen and bagged, the old man has at least now (at the age of 81) begun to clean his greasy hand prints off the kitchen units and then peace descends, Mum tracks down all her kitchen utensils and washes them again and finally the whiff leaves....until next time.
Reading the posts here reminds me of things I used to tell my then teenage kids.
"You don't have yesterday or tomorrow you only have now, so use it"
"You're the only one you have to spend the rest of you're life with" (Good for teenage heartbreak)
These words of "wisdom" were normally accompanied by much teenage eye rolling and muttering. Yet now as I read the posts here, it's like Cancer is an insidious presence offering a false hope of getting a bit more time. A car crash or heart attack that kills does the job pretty quickly. But cancer takes our loved ones, piece by piece and by the time, the surgery, chemo, proton beam therapy, radiation treatment etc has been tried and failed normally making our loved one worse. They are left as a shadow of the person we loved and that hope of a bit more time is now dashed.
I remember sitting bedside during Carla's last days and praying to a God I don't believe in, offering some kind of bargaining, I offered 5 years of my life to give to Carla, I begged in my head, squeezing her hand and wept bitter angry tears as I knew that could never be, I still feel now that I utterly failed her. With the what if's, why didn't I see that and all the other worthless thoughts that can be conveniently used to beat yourself up with. Could maybe have garnered a bit more time for her. Because after all time is all we have. How much more focused would we be if at the age of 20 we are presented with the date and time of our 'death day'
Yet still our loved ones don't get their time, won't get their time. Somehow you would think us 'Bereavers' would be motivated to go out to do our bucket list, yet somehow that list is now tainted, sullied by this cancer thing. Cuba for one...err no ta. Whale Watching solo...I'll pass thank you.
How dare it do this to us and ours....
Whatever cancer throws your way, we’re right there with you.
We’re here to provide physical, financial and emotional support.
© Macmillan Cancer Support 2020
© Macmillan Cancer Support, registered charity in England and Wales (261017), Scotland (SC039907) and the Isle of Man (604). Also operating in Northern Ireland. A company limited by guarantee, registered in England and Wales company number 2400969. Isle of Man company number 4694F. Registered office: 89 Albert Embankment, London SE1 7UQ. VAT no: 668265007