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Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Widening my Bereavement support - Way-Up

martin e
Posted by

Hi Ali 

thank you it is nice out bit of wind bit of sun I got lazy not been fishing been sitting in front of tv like a veg so making the effort to try and go every couple of weeks now 

the feeling sorry for myself I know I’m like it to I can’t be asked to eat sometimes had sandwich when I got home the other nite  but yesterday cooked shepherds pie for dinner and Iceland do some nice ready meals lol 

take care 

Martin x 

mccmcc
Posted by

Nellie

The old solitary eating sucks big time, either at home or out, I've eaten out a few times solo and they always look over your shoulder for your other half. Cooking also isn't much fun, you cook and then eat and you have to wash up as well!

I'm glad you found the energy to behave badly Friday and I'm sure you're well within your time threshold for behaving ridiculously and no one can get grumpy about it.. (I think the thresholds are different here, I think the neighbours are a bit worried im not married by now!)

Is there a time threshold where our status as bereavers is no longer valid for public shows of crazy shit?

"Sometimes life is hideous, other times it's worse!"

NellieJ
Posted by

 I was told that people might be understanding or more lenient for a year.I guess they get fed up by them.

I am going to ask for an extension as Covid has severely limited my opportunities to be socially disgraceful. 

Darkhorse123
Posted by

Nellie, tolerance is often a lot shorter than a year! Many ideas of bereavement, esp. if age  is part of it affect reactions. They rarely think of the horrid journey to the death, they think is 'the end' & finances. They forget too that other crises still happen. I had cancer, 6 deaths (inc hubby & grandson) & family rift 2019. Had give up our home of 30 yrs, lost most of life savings, health, job etc,  but patience wear thin no matter what. So come smothered (or even open) yawns.Have they priced funerals lately too, never mind emotions & practicalities. I used to think you could compare loss of a soulmate to parent (one died on me), so I was numb when I found it was incomparable. Each is profound but so different & individual. I felt so guilty  about own past efforts to support friends: it was appalling! I had no clue how stupid, futile & inappropriate my efforts were...& worse, stopped trying.So I sort of get where most come from. They think counselling or tablets are cures...one made me relive things on a loop making  nightmares & flashbacks worse, tuther took 'me' away.  Don't expect Covid 'allowance' much beyond funeral....its done...except on here and you can contact me anytime. xxxx

NellieJ
Posted by

Darkhorse - your wisdom noted and testament to your strength, given what you have been through. I think people were probably  yawning even before my partners death  " what is is still alive after a year ? " and one friend (the very practical one, emotional vacuum) even said cheerily  " oh well it wont be long now". 

I think at t the moment I do still  have some sympathetic looks as I have mother with dementia   who forgets my partner is dead " is he in the car "   and ongoing crisis work, suicide attempts police  with my brothers and no other family.   I got  tripped up on a form. not only the Widow word, but I have no next of kin to put down as emergency contact - Puddle of self pity to fall in there. I get my friends back by putting them down. 

I spend a lot of time not talking about my partners death or how it is to be alone with friends. But I will speed up the bad behaviour as I think maybe I have overestimated how much leeway I get.  

I am 18 weeks in and notice how it all chops and changes. A post on another thread with the poems said "weather the storm, don't be the storm" - I am trying........but maybe feeling a bit mini tornado at the the moment. 

Good point about now knowing how to be a better friend and support when friends become A Lone., having been through it.   --  I  like that as being a friend and having friends is very important to me. 

mccmcc
Posted by

bad days? Nellie?

I get times where I think I'm doing great and then whack! I'm not doing great, off to Drs this morning as the old BP has gone up to a dodgy level, first time at the docs for about 7 years! That's given me a bit of a scare..

I think in your situation you can give yourself a break and those who give a shit about you can also,those who don't well WTF! 

"Sometimes life is hideous, other times it's worse!"

Sheilaj
Posted by

Hi All,

Sat in bed reading all your comments and they help so much and mirror so much of what i'm going through.

Thought i would share some of my recent behavour as a widdow of 5 months.

I'm getting worse and like people have said people are now thinking how well i'm doing because they don't see me behind closed doors.

i pooled every penny of my savings last week to pay off my Mortgage (Sadly we never had mortgage protection - hindsight is a wonderful thing) Hot footed it to the bank, didn't even bother to dress smart or put make up on (A thing i wowuld never have done before my Bob passed away) After i had paid the kind lady behind the counter said "Congratulations that must be a nice feeling" - My response was to burst into tears and tell her that it really wasn't as i'd lost my husband and we should be celebrating this together. God i must have looked like a freak. Got home and cried some more and had a cup of tea.

Sold my beloved Mercedes car as could no longer afford to run it (£550 per year tax) shopped around used car showrooms (On my own with no idea what i was looking at) found a nice little car, drawn to it because it was red and girly) negotiated and bought it on my own so big achievement. Part exchanged my lovely car for my little noddy car (More tears) couldn't work new car so took it into Ford Garage and asked for help using the poor little widow card to get free help. Cried some more in front of the ppor guy who was helping me.

I'm doing things i never thought i would be able to do or even have to do and kind of feel proud of myself but also a huge sadness that i have to do this and then no one to share my achievents with. 

It hurts every single day. My heart is so heavy and i never feel anything but sad and lonley. My family is big and great but they all think i'm doing well but they don't see me behind closed doors.

Sundays are my worse day as that was always our time. We would watch a fils and have a lovely sunday lunch together. I don't bother much these days with food as sitting at the table on my own just makes me sad again. The only food i really eat is "Crap or Junk food, i can do that just fine while slobbing out on the sofa.

I have so many stories but won't bore you with them now but please keep posting everyone as it makes me feel that i'm not going mad and feeling the same as all of you on this shitty journey that none of us want to be on.

Keep going everyone, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

Sheila 

sunnyboy
Posted by

morning sheilla I'm so sorry your feeling so sad and been crying I'm just the same and its a year and more I don't think I will ever get to other side of this , I miss my love so much like all here . Wish we could be together again if only . Its rain in Glasgow so no run today for me . Take care sheila Virtual hugs to you . happier thoughts of the love you shared .

mccmcc
Posted by

Sheila

I think to be honest you are doing well, it's those who can't move forward that have the most problems. You are moving forward despite being emotional and why should you not be. Every facet of our lives has a reflection of the loved one we lost in it, and every event,every achievement is always reflective of what would 'we'have done. 

We had a typical Dolomite thunder storm here today as I was working on the apartment,which reminded me, the work I was doing will only be for my benefit and not our benefit.

Cry why not? It's not weakness just an expression of love.

"Sometimes life is hideous, other times it's worse!"

Newb
Posted by

Hi Sheila just over a year for me and I still burst into tears lots of times I'm glad others are the same after a year thought I was cracked hope your day is a little better 

Ian
DorothyOz
Posted by

Hi Sheila.

We are all mirrored here.

I look fine, when people ask me I say I'm fine. They are happy with this.

My first 3 months as a widow are up on 1st July. 

Once you have broken the news and people are appropriately concerned, they don't really want to hear that you are suffering. It's uncomfortable for them. 

The best I can hope for is that somehow I will be able to put him out of my mind for a little while, and this seems to be happening. I manage whole 20 minutes at a time now, but still make soup every day and throw most of it away. He would polish the lot off, but it lasts me 3 days. 

Saturdays were ours - I would cook, but he would chop and peel while we listened to the radio. 

Be fine for me, Sheila, and I will be fine for you. Not enough, and not a substitute, but something.

I know I'm not in Kansas anymore, and the Wizard has deserted me.
Darkhorse123
Posted by
  1. Sheila you have achieved much in only a few months.You are quite rightly proud of yourself, good for you, lass! But we are not all built the same or experience things the same. Last year I got cancer as my John was dying of it. The following nine months we had a further five deaths, including our 3 yr old grandson (they share a coffin). I nursed John thru two knee prosthetics and 4 year wait for them while working full time. Me and our daughter did alternate shifts for years until he died. We lost all our savings, our home of 30 yrs, my health, his life. I am one of those who 'can't move on'. I truly detest that term, no offence meant. its like we are leaving our whole lives behind. I prefer 'adapting'. We can't avoid doing that to some extent or other which even I have done, but still traumatized even after 16 months the adaptation Ive made is minimal. I can't sleep or eat properly, I cry oceans when i am not numb. I went thru my own cancer treatment in the depths of grief watching others cuddle & the little un actually died while i was in surgery. My body is not as John remembers it even. I detest the world and myself and I relive it all daily. We lost everything but most of all each other. If others can and want to rebuild life, good for them. ..but it isn't for everyone. Some don't want to and some can't and for others its a combination of both. Maybe its cos I was a child when we met and at 63 Ive never lived alone....I can only say I could build my own palace, have a fortune, regain lost health....and NONE of it would be worth a bean to me. Love to all of you who can though xx
Lizzy-K
Posted by

Morning All,

This is a "safe" place and one where people can express how they feel, but also post back what are hopefully constructive comments to try to comfort and help.

Sheila - I agree totally with Mcc you are doing well. Each step you take will bring with it raw emotion and sadness - why not that's part of the process.You are moving on in a way that you never imagined you would have to do - Do any of us? I have sold an estate car - after driving it to the tip, very badly, on 7 occasions with it fully loaded full of "stuff", felt guilty for selling it but I couldn't keep it. There are hurdles to face for all of us, but I guess we have no idea how or when we will come out the other side - the fear of the unknown.

Nellie - you are an inspiration to us all, you have blips you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go again and you're not afraid to share them thank you.

Tomorrow I have to face a few fears of my own, I have to go into work to pick up where I left off because the things I need to work from home are there - how do you do that after 3 months away and having dealt with a hundred and one things that you don't want to deal with. I know that I have to, & to endure the sad faces of people who probably expect that by now I have two heads or that something will be drastically different - it is - but I'm still me inside somewhere, just got to find me. again.

I have a very good friend who messages me and brings me out of myself, they don't know "me" that well but they "get" that the real "me" will take some time to come out. I'm so lucky in so many ways.

Lizzy

 
Cry because it's over but smile because it happened 
Lizzy-K
Posted by

sorry missed a bit - Mcc how are you doing today? How did you get on at the Doctors?

Lizzy

 
Cry because it's over but smile because it happened 
mccmcc
Posted by

Hello

Have to agree with posts and yes I'm OK. House sitting for some friends this week in a glorious valley.

Again Lizzy thank you for asking me, very kind. I'm on some kind of med but think I may have been stressing a bit about something I really shouldn't have.

"Sometimes life is hideous, other times it's worse!"