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Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

The painfull process of dealing with our loved ones possessions

Geoff999
Posted by

Dear all, 

After nearly a year since my darling Anne passed away in hospital from pancreatic cancer I've been  faced every morning from our bed seeing the carrier bags my son and I hurriedly packed  following on from the doctors final examination of my Anne  and so containg my soul mates hospital  possessions including the pretty little night dress she never got to wear. But today when I awoke I felt strongly inspired to attend to them. Goodness knows why?  So I did;  along with other personal medical affects my sweetheart kept on display in our bedroom.  It turned out to be the most pain full event I've ever had to deal with in my life.. Along with tears so much of my sweethearts last  personal possessions were recycled. All except her pretty night dress that she never got to wear in hospital  which still has  a perfume aroma. I will always treasure that. As for all her clothing and shoes in her wardrobe at home. They will never be touched. Because in Spirit this is still Anne's home.  I'm just the caretaker. 

Love and Light 

Geoff x

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

BootsyD
Posted by

11 1/2 weeks since my hubby left this mortal coil and the only thing I have thrown away is a wet shave razor - cos it was rusty!- and he'd grown a bit of a beard to cover lumps on his chin and face!! I can't even put jackets away that are hanging on chairs or move slippers & trainers that are under the dining room table. Not much has changed expect he's not sat watching tv and saying 'are you there Honey? Could you just???'  I don't know when the right time will be but those things aren't in my way atm so they can wait! If it takes me a year like you - so be it! 

Everything in our own time x

Tomorrow is another day
Geoff999
Posted by

Dear BootsyD

As you intimate, just let time pass. Who the goodness cares anyway? Bereavement is almost certainly the most personal life changing happening anyone has  to bear. So if I can be so bold I would suggest you just drift quietly through your grief and let events unfold in their own time dear lady. 

Love and Light 

Geoff x

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

NellieJ
Posted by

My partner was messy, untidy,  incapable of even seeing something on the floor . It was a point of tension between us. He went from 21 stone to 10 stone, and so bought lots of new clothes - we were overflowing with big clothes, new clothes. 

I have sorted out some clothes, really out of necessity of a tiny house, thrown away about half of my own clothes. The outfit he wore at our wedding hangs up like he has just been vanished out of it.  But a pair of his pants are still tucked in the banister about half way up where he left them. - I think they may be there for a good while. 

Lizzy-K
Posted by

Hi all,

I think the same about everything - we should do things in our time, but it's lovely to hear everyone's thoughts and experiences.

I've tidied Sam's things away, hung his clothes in the wardrobe and gone through a mountain of paperwork "keep it incase I need it" and sorted the garage which he'd been meaning to do for ages but was then too weak to get out there.

Everyone is different and why do something unless you feel the time is right?

the only thing I did do was badger the pharmacy into taking back all his medication (hospital and otherwise) I had to bag it up and take it into their "safe" room for it to be quarantined for 72 hours but chemotherapy drugs, liquid morphine etc don't really mix with 4 curious bag sniffing & emptying dogs!

 
Cry because it's over but smile because it happened 
Ebony12
Posted by

Hello everyone, 

I haven’t been on for a while been back at work full time and still getting used to it. So tiring but at same time doing me good to get back into a routine.

I have stored most of my husbands clothes in spare room for now, other stuff that’s in drawers throughout the house can wait.

when I feel ready, I will sort through and keep a few things and take the rest to charity shops but not in my home town for obvious reasons.

My husband would like that, he would always give to others and put himself last. Pay it forward he would say, good karma so I feel this is the right thing to do when I feel the time is right. 

I carry him forward with me as do us all. It’s sad that his life was cut short and our life together but what keeps me going is that I made him the happiest he had ever been in his life, and he I. He will always be with me and I can feel his presence like a cloak of protection around me.

much love to you all

Karen

Grief is the flip side of love
mccmcc
Posted by

I cleared out a lot of Carla's stuff quite early but it was due to lack of space than me being a cold hearted sod (honest!) 

She had lugged around the UK and Italy lots of stuff for dog rescue (leads collars,bowls, from a pet shop she used to own she was very big on dog rescue and one time brought home 'Olive' from a rescue, Olive was a 75Kg Cane Corso and the most placid gentle dog I have ever known) so dog rescue stuff has gone to the dog home. There are tons of blankets and towels and they will be going to the dog home too..don't forget your local animal rescue folks, even jumpers can make good beds for cats.

Once her sons are out for the funeral proper we will begin the process of getting all her stuff to those who deserve it, the language school I work for is getting some books (not my Latin American history ones of Course!) Sadly I came across a pair of size 5 DM's she had never worn. So maybe we can find a home for them.

I fully intend to streamline my life as Carla tended to keep things.

When we moved out of the house to go to Italy she crammed the camper to the gunwales with stuff and we had to empty it out on Hayling Island beach and go to the tip before setting off for Italy..

"It'll come in handy"

But also I'm a bit of a tidy freak (Ex Military Engineers tend to be don't they?), so the gazillion boxes in the garage will eventually be opened and taken to the charity place.

"No it wont we have four of those already"

"What if they break"

"OK bring it..."

"Sometimes life is hideous, other times it's worse!"

Granny Sue
Posted by

Same position living in  a one bedroom flat so space is a premium .We gave his clothes to a charity that works with the homeless which Bill would have been over the moon with as he and his mother had been homeless themselves when his Dad kicked them out .The biggest problem is DVDS as result of the secondary brain tumour and the steroid treatment  Bill kept buying Dvds and bags of old coins .Also books and books of writing that dont really make sense .His tumour was in the communication area of the brain.It will take some sorting but not going back to work till end of August on unpaid leave at the moment so have plenty of time.The clothes were hard to deal with but felt I had to get on with it .But its a very personal thing and it really dosent matter what anyone does or dosent do .It has to feel right otherwise it will just mess your head up even more .I do feel grief is like a kind of madness really you do think of the strangest things sometimes and I am so tired still not sleeping so I cant seem to think straight at the moment.One more week at my daughters then home .Not sure how Ill be but just have to keep moving forward .Take care everyone .

Granny Sue

mccmcc
Posted by

Having digested the posts here I have come to the conclusion that maybe I am a bit cold hearted. I have a few things stashed away but the rest can go, to me it's just stuff. I think 'Sang Froid' runs in the family.

Years ago our dog died and two of the kids were very upset so we had a kind of burial and planted a Lemon tree near the dog (We were living in Spain at the time) two kids very upset tears and sobbing.

Third kid youngest, standing watching the stiffened body of the dog being lowered into the ground as he ate two sandwiches one in each had kept up a running commentary.

"Dad? Dad? How long before Penny (the dog) is just bones? Can we dig her up and have a look when she is? Will we be able to smell her when she's rotting in the ground? Do worms eat dead bodies Dad or is it just microbes, If we dig her up can I have the skull..." and so it went on..

Everyone said he was like me...

"Sometimes life is hideous, other times it's worse!"

Ruby Diamond
Posted by

Oh I had to reply as you made me laugh. I think both ways your children reacted to the dog dying are perfect, we are all individuals.

My youngest son is like your sandwich eating child. When he was about 8 he got a kitten who very sadly was killed outside our house at only 8 months old. Our oldest son was inconsolable but the youngest said what a waste the kittens toys were, he didn't use them enough!!!

It's been over 2 years since my husband passed away and I still have about 80% of his things where he left them. Occasionally I tackle a set of draws but no rush. Our children have chosen items of clothing they want to keep but there is no rush for me. 

Both our sons are coping very differently to their Dads death, the older one cries with me and talks about his Dad, but the youngest one has never cried but will discuss his Dad if encouraged.

Everyone should do what feels right to them. 

  • Ruby diamond x
Lizzy-K
Posted by

Out of the mouth of babes ... or widows -

I managed to say to my Kids "if Sam was here now I'd kill him" - in my defence this was after my 6th  trip to the tip over 3 days with an average wait of 40 mins to get to the skip each time with all the rubbish out of the garage.They both stood there open mouthed and then my eldest to fill the silence said do you  think Sam would like the tidy garage ... my response - he'd probably say where the f*** has all my stuff gone! 

We now have a tidy garage which houses the exercise bike out of the living room (dont ask) and my Sons motorbike which sits proudly on some carpet which Sam has saved "just in case "

 
Cry because it's over but smile because it happened 
mccmcc
Posted by

My workshop was regarded as a bit weird by my friends as it was normally a modicum of tidiness.

I could spend a happy day sorting out screws into their correct boxes and my wall plugs well, colour coded and size coded it was indeed a work of art.....

"Sometimes life is hideous, other times it's worse!"

mccmcc
Posted by

Ruby you can raise them the same but they never are...maybe it's youngest child syndrome, my son was the youngest as I was, I never really needed cuddles and stuff from Mum but my brother did. Carla's eldest son is very tactile and affectionate while his younger brother is very self contained..

"Sometimes life is hideous, other times it's worse!"

martin e
Posted by

Hi lizzy 

My niece came round and sorted Diane cloths shoes hand bags gave some to women refuge and the rest to charity shops  I had to sort out the loft why we we keep so much stuff we are never going to use again 

then help rehomed the two cocker spaniels they both have good homes  I spoke two her she said they are doing really well  and behaving now they are living apart 

Take care 

martin x

Lizzy-K
Posted by

Oh no ... we haven't even started on the loft!

 
Cry because it's over but smile because it happened