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Just felt compelled to write this, to all who dwell here in this twilight virtual world of travail.
"Thank you all, you lot will never know how much comfort and help you have given me over these last seven weeks, to know you all is something of a privilege in a strange kind of way, (but sadly it would have been better if none of us had to get to know each other) as you all demonstrate how this f*****g awful bereavement through cancer is not going to win and we can hold our loved ones enshrined in our lives and hearts as long as we live"
So to all you 'Bereavers' keep strong as you have made me stronger, thank you all...
"Sometimes life is hideous, other times it's worse!"
Today and this week, this group has got me through.
4 months since his death and the middle aged Widow Twanky has ordered a Moto Guzzi V7 Stone. 750 -
Friends eyebrows rather high in their heads but for me, there is something about feeling the edge to feel alive. For a few reasons this has given me something to focus on for the future, even if it is just staying alive, safe and grinning like an idiot.
We don't know each other in the physical world, but please know how important this virtual world has been - oh shit, crying now.
A Guzzi V7 I'm torn between yelling your praises from the rooftops or doing my fat, old, paunchy Hulk impersonation with envy......
No sod it. Go Nellie you're the greatest!! Now I don't want to sound like a Dad but just go easy I know it's a 'slow' bike but....
it's Biker country up here with the twisty Mountain roads. We get hoards of them and the bars and cafes put out biker friendly signs not the other way round, something a bit surreal to watch 50 Harley's rumble past as I'm having a beer sitting outside the house..
Bereavers United - sounds like a trade union. Hee-hee. Well, I haven't been doing anything as exciting as buying motorcycles but I am surrounded by trunks, suitcases and boxes getting ready to leave here and go back to France for a few weeks before I head out for one of the French overseas territories. Lots of emotions; sometimes feeling overwhelmed and bitter that Gilles isn't here with me. We should be packing up together, making decisions about our next move and imagining what life would be in the next place. Life is pushing me forward and somehow I'm managing with everything that there is to do but it's all a bit flat, like two-dimensional. I can't say I'm excited but I am relieved I don't have to go back and live in France without him.
Sometimes I wonder where my old life has gone. It's like nothing was real and life is even less real now. The only real thing is Gilles' death. I don't mean to sound morbid but it's as if that were the only defining reality in my life right now. I no longer have the constant searing pain of the first 10 months or so but I'm still asking why. This is the part of life Gilles should have been enjoying, free to follow me for my job as he was retired. Not fair, just not fair. So off I go to what I call the Wild, Wild West - equatorial heat, jungle and who knows what, hoping to find some kind of inner peace.
I think when the 'we' becomes 'me' is that pointed moment we realise our lives have descended into a pit of crap. Things I do now are not shared, they are not in any way joyous, there is no "Hey look at that" or "try this" or "What the hell are you talking about?"
But I now find that like a pond being stirred up by a kid with a stick the sediment is settling after the initial chaotic maelstrom of the emotional trauma, but as I have said in other posts I'm likely a very resilient person and can in no way expect others to follow my upwards trajectory, yet I believe all of us here are on an upward trajectory some slower some faster.
I send you my very best wishes for your new adventure but it is for now your adventure..
take care, keep safe try to enjoy your new adventure and let us know how you are doing.
We'll all be here wherever you are x
Just wondered how you are feeling this morning?
Hi Lizzy, I'm very grateful and touched you enquired after me. My gloom and doom days (yesterday and today) were a result of a solicitor getting in touch, at our request to sort out the finances and possessions thing. (Carla didn't leave a will)
Kind of brought it home in a very real way, because she has been in and out of Hospital for the 13 years we have been together I can only assume at some subconscious level I kind of expected her to come home. Didn't do a sodding thing today after a sleepless night but now I can feel old me, gently opening the door again to see if the dust has settled, it's quite tricky sometimes here in Italy as I'm not an articulate speaker in Italian and that can make things quite lonely. Hence you guys are my lifeline
Again thank you for taking the time to ask and for your concern!
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