Guilt!

OK its about 7 weeks in and I'm OK (not really but WTF) 

I was invited for lunch yesterday by my employers and offered a new contract (teaching adults English) so all going well.

I am also a member of a group who meet to speak English once a week or so..(I'm in Italy) I was contacted on a certain social media site via the group about help with some English by an Italian woman of about my age. We met today for coffee and she is a very pleasant lady but now I feel desperately guilty. I have no intentions towards the lady in question and cannot ever see a time where I might think about anything like that.

So why am I so racked with guilt? I know Carla would have liked the lady but now I'm desperately guilty and all the agonies of Carla's passing are back. I had lunch with my employers (Two attractive Italian women slightly younger than me and felt nothing) The lady in question brought her daughter as well so it wasn't like a 'date'. 

So what the hell is going on in my head (I know that's a ridiculous question but I think i need to keep my ridiculous question standard up) anybody else done this??

  • I was asked out by a chap at work this morning...I was stunned, didn't know how to deal with it and probably sounded very rude with my refusal.  He spent the rest of the shift looking rather hurt, I don't think he knows of my situation and I'm not sure I'm in a place where I could explain it right now.  I need to grieve. Keep safe

  • Go you! But nice to know you are not the invisible widow?

    Some female friends here have expressed the lady in question is interested as its not really the done thing here for a woman to ask a guy for a drink but....

  • Haha, I wear a surgical mask most of my shift so feel a little invisible sometimes. I really am not ready to start looking for male company I joke with some male colleagues about being a widow maybe he thought he'd try his luck? 

    Regarding the lady in question maybe meet for coffee or drinks, it's hard this  date thing. After hearing some of the horror stories of online dating See no evil I'm leaving that well alone.  Keep safe, take the plunge when you're ready 

  • Do you mean that the lady who asked you for coffee bought her Daughter with her? Maybe she genuinely wants some help with her English and you were recommended and she brought her Daughter along so you didn't feel awkward?

    I don't think you need to feel guilty, coffee in a public place doesn't seem bad at all. Do you usually teach English in classes or have you taught on a one to one basis before? I think that Carla would see it as part and parcel of your job presumably you taught before she passed away. She trusted you and your judgment before and im sure she would now.

    Don't be too hard on yourself, you are going through enough without putting pressure on yourself. We all ask ourselves questions and I question my ability and decisions all the time since Sam passed away but one way or another the things get done.

    Trust your instincts and trust in yourself.

  • As far as instincts as my old mate from London used to say  "I think she wants to know" Culturally here  it is very different, Italian women still have the nurturing instinct pretty much to the fore. 

    Other Italian female friends have told me they know a nice widow "Who could take care of me" it seems they mourn intensely for about three weeks here then search for next hubby/wife. When I tell my Italian friends I can cook, clean, iron, mop floors etc etc they see me as even more of a catch and not someone who is OK alone.

    I really don't know where the hell my head is these days so I'm gong to side with, "She's a nice lady who wants to make sure I'm OK"

  • OH what do I know, I'm 56 nearly 57 and still can't figure out that wonderfully mysterious creature the female human.

    I'm rubbish with women.......

  • Blimey - I had no idea that the Italian culture was like that - good job I live in England as I'm I'd be landing myself in all sorts of trouble.

    I'm also 56 nearly 57 but still have the naivety of my youth in the 70's/80's. Currently my Kids are playing parent, helping me get to grips with Social media and filtering out who I accept as friends on facebook! so the same statement applies I'm rubbish with men ...

    It must be very strange for you being "expected" to conform to a differn't culture. I'm not saying that either one is right or wrong but somehow us "Brits" are more reserved and guarded I think especially when we've been through some tough times. As so many people comment on here we just need time & space to come to terms with everything.

    You do sound very resilient and I admire the fact that you are back at work so quickly - I'm furlouged and have been since begining of April so at least amongst this minefield of emotions since Sam passed away (begining of May)  I've been afforded the luxury of getting up and doing what I want to each day.

    Sadly all my skills don't match yours but I'm adapting and learning I can now add decorating to my repetoire even if it was the smallest room in the house and it took me three days just to paint! I'm now waiting for my Daughter (23!) to show me how to use a drill - I suspect she'll do it for me though.

    Hope you have a good week and from a beautifully sunny morning in Worcestershire UK to I suspect an even more beautiful day in Italy take care and keep doing what you're doing, trust your instincts and live your life the way you want to.

  • Thank for this thread - it feels rather  taboo out there in the talking world.  I found myself telling a motorcycle instructor that I didnt know if I could get my leg over (on a big bike) it came out a bit Benny Hill.

     As a widower who can mop  floor, mccmcc you may be in high demand with the Italian ladies. As for understanding women,  prior to my male partner of 19 years my previous long term partner was with a woman, so I just go with like who you get on with and enjoy being with people. What would Carla say....you know her best and her range of responses.  As for types of Widow, I think I will go for being  Widow Twanky. 

  • Thanks for replying Nellie, to be honest I value your input highly here. So once you are recovered you can fish in both ponds! That improves the odds!

    Carla was a pragmatist 100% but she also said something so very nice to me and I'm quite proud of it, she said it would be a waste of a good useful caring person like me if I stayed single. Obviously it was from her perspective but along with mopping, i can dress myself and find my own keys!

    It seems early days far too early, but its nice to know you get second glances even at 57..

    On another note I have unpacked and built my  drum kit (very quiet one as its a full sized mesh head electronic one) so get rid of all the rust and find a decent blues rock combo! (I was a punk drummer but I'm too slow now)

  • Hi Lizzy and thank you for the reply. Its not Milan here in the mountains its about 40 years behind! An Italian Pal of mine told me "Italy is 30 years behind the UK and the Dolomites are 50 years behind the rest of Italy!"

    There is still the culture of men doing jack and when friends used to come round the husbands would kind of smirk at me as I cooked the meal, but the wives would tell them this is what a modern man is like. One divorced Italian woman I know said it was like having an extra child in the house..

    Even a i type it seems my neighbours are lining up another prospective match....help!!