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Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Healingbut does someone understand how I feel?

Posted by

hi I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2016, I had mastectomy after 4 ops but couldn’t get clear margins so the whole breast went, no need for chemo or radiotherapy. In 2018 I found a limp under arm same side as mastectomy,  nodes had cancer in them, chemo and radiotherapy needed. During radiotherapy my mother died and I never felt I grieved properly for her x guilt x. Then I was given all clear.  Early December 2018 I was woken up to my husband having a seizure, 4 months later he was finally diagnosed with incurable brain cancer and on August 8th 2019 he died.  My right hip had started to become painful June 2019 and in March I was diagnosed with AVN which is a condition when no blood supply can get to the hip and the bone just crumples,this was likely caused by the chemo and radiotherapy, I was on the urgent list for a hip replacement on March 16th then along came Coronavirus and all operations were cancelled.  I am just feeling sorry for myself just now so please excuse the pity party but I really just want to die now, I miss my husband so very much and I am in so much pain I just want it all to end.  I won’t kill my self because I have a 17 and 19 year old who are just about coping with what’s happened I wouldn’t do that to them . Does anyone know what I should do to feel a bit better? I really am quite desperate just now.

Posted by

Oh my gosh, I really feel for you. Some hospitals within trusts don’t treat Covid19 patients so are doing operations. They can transfer you. Also the NHS have taken over some private hospitals who are also doing some operations. So many counselling services are closed at present due to Covid. Call your GP first thing Monday morning to explain how you’re feeling, they may be able to help regarding both your physical & mental pain. You must soldier on for your children, thank god you’re not alone. I wish you all the best xx

Posted by

I can't suggest anything but you probably took the first step posting on here. We are all on the same road just different stretches on it and I think you are at a very steep part.

I send you all the positive vibes I can muster and I would say nearly all of us here have been in a very similar place that you are now. Us lot will do our bit to help and support you. In my early days as a "bereaver" this forum and the very kind people on it helped me hugely and they continue to do so on my journey back to whatever my new normal will be.

Look after yourself and permit us to offer support where we can.

Kind regards mcc

"Sometimes life is hideous, other times it's worse!"

Posted by

Hi Dolini I'm so sorry for your loss and offer my condolences to you its just so painful when we lose our soulmate s . Regarding your pain you could get a doctor out or call the nhs tonight , god I'm so weak I'm in tears for slightest ache you are so brave please get some help You have the kids to be mum too . God bless.

Posted by


I work for the Nuffield. I am a pre assessment nurse therenthere but also qualified orthopaedic nurse We are only allowed to take NHS patients at the moment because of government and NHS contracts. All operations are graded for urgency. We are doing surgery but it is mainly cancer operations and urgent fractures etc. 

All operations whether private or NHS patients will be graded for a few months yet. Things like hip replacement will be lower priority although yours sounds like it will be s priority hip replacement. 

I know how painful it is as I had a hip replacement 12 years ago and have other arthritic joints so I sympathize. I would suggest you go back to your GP to at least get some decent pain killers like oromorph to tide you over and for him to write to orthopaedic so you are top of the list for when they can operate. 

I found positioning my hip with pillows and lying face down with my leg stretched out helped. Have you any physio exercises as you need to keep strong quads too. I also used night time kalms with a glass of wine at night to get a few hours sleep. Heat pads and cold compress (ice) may help too. I use deep heat spray when I have a flare up. Tumeric was helpful To my husband who had arthritis too.

Rest when you can but also some exercise is good to stop you getting stiff.. your GP may recommend anti inflammatory painkillers but the orthopods believe they can degenerate joints so use with caution. 

Take care

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Posted by

The private hospitals that the NHS haven’t taken over are running as usual. One private hospital in my area which has been taken over by the NHS were prepared to give my mother a CT scan on a private basis.