We understand that people with cancer are worried about coronavirus. Here is the latest guidance. We will update it regularly.

Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Missing Friday nights with my husband

PaulandAmanda
Posted by

Hi all

I lost my husband aged 47 on 9th May to pancreatic Cancer. The whole thing from 1st appointment to the day he died was 10 weeks 3days, much of it with him in hospital in huge amounts of pain and me not able to see him due to lock down.

He came home for the last week, which was far from the peaceful time he had hoped for, he was halucinating, confused, agitated, in increasing pain due to the secondaries obstructing his bowel, he lost the ability to speak and could barely move himself in bed. I was alone with him when he died, which in a way was  beautiful, but looking back, hugely traumatic for me.

Because of the immuno suppressant treatment I've had for my MS, I am screening from the world and it looks like that's going to be extended until end of July. 

Every day brings something new for me to sort out, something he always sorted out. At 43 I really shouldn't have an issue running the house, my car, the dog and dealing with his probate, but I just feel totally overwhelmed and a failure for feeling so.

I feel so lonely and Friday nights are always the worst, no matter how busy we were the rest of the week and weekend, Friday nights were our nights to grab a take away and relax in front of the telly spending low key quality time together.

I know no one can do anything and I have to work through this pain. I'm sorry, I just needed to vent.

Granny Sue
Posted by

Vent away my dear nothing to be sorry about  I am sitting in my daughters garden with a glass of wine wishing I could get in a time machine and go back to the day we met and just live our lives again. All the good days and the bad sorrow and the joy .This group is amazing the support you get is brilliant Just being able to say how you feel is so comforting kind of gives you strength to keep going.This is going to take a different kind of courage but we will do it we have already endured some terrible times leading up to their deaths I wont forget it to my dying day but I have to keep moving  forward I dont know anything else .You take care lots of hugs xx

Granny Sue

Ruby Diamond
Posted by

I'm so sorry for your loss and please don't apologise for anything you say. This site is the place to say absolutely anything and all  of us can relate to most posts.

I cannot imagine loosing a loved one at this time, Corona virus has made things incredibly difficult at the worst time, when you need friends and family around.

My husband was also 47 when he passed from Adrenal cancer and secondaries in his lungs. He was 3 months from diagnosis to the end and it's just so traumatic to witness.  You will be glad to have been with him, however hard it was.

Feeling overwhelmed is one of the emotions we have in common, alot of people post about it. Even though we are all equal naturally some house jobs were always my husband's and now they are all mine!! It's overwhelming and exhausting. 

Sometime it's easier to write things on here rather than worry our nearest and dearest.

Take care 

  • Ruby diamond x
PaulandAmanda
Posted by

You had such a short time to wrap your head and heart around things too I'm so sorry for you and your family. 

We only got confirmation the week before he died that it was Pancreatic, before that the doctors were working on the basis it was bowel cancer and one surgeon was still offering a bowel diversion/ stoma even after the cancer marker report came back, but he would have died in hospital recovering from the surgery so he decided to come home and spend the time he had in his home.

Yes I am grateful I was able to be with him to the end.I still woke up every morning for two weeks after thinking that I had left him alone and I was going to get downstairs and find him dead and it was my fault for leaving him alone, which I never did, not once, but I suppose that was me not accepting what had happened.

Akela2516
Posted by

Hi 

Sorry for your loss. I lost my husband at Christmas. It is the funny things you miss. I miss watching and discussing the telly and our Wednesday day out. We always spent weds out somewhere together. 

Of course I miss him all round but I am keeping busy.

Love and hugs Alison xxx

mccmcc
Posted by

Please vent as much as you need to. There is so much we miss about them, from the idea "I must tell her/him.." and then you cant..

Hang on in there and of course everyone here is looking out for you..

"Sometimes life is hideous, other times it's worse!"

PaulandAmanda
Posted by

I was sent recently a quote from Bob Marley

'You don't know how strong you can be...until being strong is your only choice'

It was supposed to bring me comfort I resent having to be strong, for this blasted disease and this cruel life giving me no option. I lost my father at 23, I was diagnosed with MS at 40 and I lost my husband at 43. I am feeling very sorry for myself this evening.

mccmcc
Posted by

It seems you are and why not, I'm from a family where being tough is the priority. Iron hard and Invulnerable. This latest episode has proved I'm not as iron hard as I thought. 

I think its its better to be the willow bending in the storm, than the oak that is unbending but crashes to the ground when the storm is too much. 

So feel sorry for yourself sod it, not many others will for you!!

"Sometimes life is hideous, other times it's worse!"