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Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Four years widowed

brandyjo
Posted by

I was on this sight four years ago after losing my husband in 2015.  It took me a long time to get a new normal and to be honest still struggle at times but it really does get better.  With all this now going on and not being able to socialise and having to be so much on my own (never got used to my own company), I find I am now slipping back into anxiety and depression.  I have tried to explain how i feel to my adult children but they really do not get it and are so tied up in their own lives.  One quick visit with some shopping and a phone call, generally mine, isn’t enough to keep me on a level.  

is there anyone on here who has been widowed as long and have they found they have slipped back and found they are really struggling again.

BootsyD
Posted by

I have only been widowed (can't believe I've actually used the W word) 10 1/2 weeks so am very much still in the early stages of grief.  This is my 4th week back to work so that helps to take my mind away from overthinking a bit. This morning has been crap because the overthinking decided to pop up again! 

Grown up children are generally too busy with their own lives I think, and the time runs out and before you know it the day is over -  and it's nearly always the parent doing all the running unfortunately. They're not going home to an empty house so I don't think they 'get' how lonely we can become. After I've been to the cemetery I come home, lock my door then don't speak to another person till the afternoon sometimes if I'm not at work so I talk to my hubby' photo or even myself - I also reply to myself too !!!

Take care x

Tomorrow is another day
gracecamp
Posted by

Hi Brandyjo

I have not been on for quite a while but decided to have a look today.  It has been just over 2 years since my husband died and most days have got better.  Unfortunately lockdown has certainly thrown a spanner in the works and it makes me more aware of being on my own again.  It is very hard to explain to people, everyone feels the difficulty of not being able to socialise with family and friends, but it is more than just that. 

Its the days that from waking in the morning till you sleep at night, you haven't spoken to a single person.  I sometimes get annoyed at people who say, oh I know my husband hardly speaks, its not the same, the point is our husband/wife/partner is not here.  I think the current situation has made the loneliness more difficult to deal with and I do feel for people who have just been widowed who are trying to cope without support. There are days when I seriously wonder why I bother getting out of bed, but I do because that's not the person I am. 

Like you I am usually the one who phones the children and like you I think it would be nice if they phoned and just said, how are you mum. Then maybe we were just the same, I do remember phoning my mum when my dad died, but we did always phone regularly, it was the way we communicated. Whereas nowadays texting is how they keep in touch and its not quite the same as hearing a voice. 

Hopefully things will start to improve as lockdown eases and we get back to some kind of normality.  I hope things get better for you and take care.

jojowest
Posted by

Hi Brandyjo

My husband died in January 2019. I had just got through the first year without him & was trying so hard to get myself a different life. I started to go to lunch with a few friends & joined a flower arranging group I was sort of trying then the first talk of corona virus started several of the girls said they wanted stop then the other group stopped. So here I am now I still have all of my husbands clothes & posessions & somehow they are even more precious. I used to go to my sisters once a week & each of my three sons one day a week ......then the lockdown arrived . I can't see anyone now they do stay in touch well my youngest phones everyday but the other two don't really bother that much occasional text or if they need a chat or something , so I understand how you feel. It is slightly better as I do see one son now we are trying to get back as we were but no hugs or cuddles. Another son is in the process of splitting with his partner but there isn't anything I can do to help.The good bit of news is the youngest son & his wife are expecting their first baby which is brilliant news but once again we are not really allowed to meet up , they did visit yesterday which was lovely but once again no cuddles it is so difficult as we have always been such a cuddly family if you no what I mean. I have also started fretting about seeing the new baby due in early October I know it's a long way off but I do get upset thinking about it. 

This new horrible way of life is making me miss my husband more than ever, I was just coming to terms with not having him with me & now this awful pandemic I can feel myself slipping into a state of depression, I know I have to be strong but some days I just cry & cry & don't know how to cope & when you see all the people just going silly on beaches & protests etc I get so upset . Most of us have abided by the rules ....... oh well you all understand. Take care all of you 

jojo xxx

effiebee
Posted by

Hi Brandyjo,

I'm in pretty much the same boat as you. I lost Pete to bowel cancer in March 2016, I had gradually stopped visiting this site as I adjusted to my new reality, and as time went on, I felt that it would be too upsetting for more recently bereaved people to read posts from me further down the line saying I was struggling. I won't say I was happy, but most of the time I was doing ok. I don't have any children or close family, but I had built up a circle of friends and acquaintances at my local pub, and I kept busy. Lockdown has obviously meant I can't go to the pub, and although a small number of us have met up regularly, I am spending days on end where the only living creatures that I see are my dogs and cats (I live in a very rural area). I don't mind being on my own, but not for such a long time, and yes, I am now feeling very lonely. I've had far too much time to think - I'm heading towards 60, I'm alone, I have no idea what I want or where I'm going. All the thoughts and worries that I can usually drown out have had time to come to the forefront of my mind. So yes, I'm struggling again, and I want to say thank you to you for asking the question. Although I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, it is good to know I'm not alone.

Rolf
Posted by

Hi. 

I too am finding things are not hurting less as time goes by. 

I too have not come on this site alot lately for fear of taking hope from my fellow bereavved. 

Unfortunatley some wounds never heal. Perhaps it has to be said.

My soulmate moved on to what I hope is a better place 21st November 2017.

I miss and love her so much. 

exhausted17
Posted by

Hello Brandyjo its strange- I was also on this site before  first on Carers in 2016 and then as Bereaved in 2017 but had gradually weaned myself off and felt a bit out of place as time went on. However something has made me start looking in again and it is nearly 3 years since my partner died -a horrible experience of oesophagus cancer. I dont have children or support from family so rely on friends who I feel are now thinking I'm ok and dont ring so often. I moved house 18 months ago and found that was a big mistake- I feel isolated in my new village. Advice to any new bereaved dont move!  I just want my old life back! So each day when I wake up I have a sense of dread but I drag myself up and get out there. I find walking with my dogs really helps and trying to keep busy. The pain of losing my partner is still there and as some have said I wouldn't care less about the lockdown if he was here!  It has compounded the sense of loneliness and anger that we ate robbed of our retirement together. Hoping you can find something that gives you a sense of peace and some happiness however small. X

Lancashirelass1
Posted by

Hello there

my husband died in January 2019 too

I soo agree with you the situation is not helping us at all.

I thought I was doing okay coping with the virus, But the weather affects my mood if it’s warm I just don’t do any housework and sit outside and read and just contemplate. The weather does have a great effect on my mood
nobody can understand this other than people who have been bereaved themselves, I wish perhaps I could cry more because I worry what it does to me physically when I don’t express my grief and just sit there wanting him so much

Best wishes to you

jojowest
Posted by

Hi Lancashirelass

I like you used to be on this sight but stopped but still have a look now & then. I think I remember you . 

I was interested in the topic so thought Id post a message. I was reassured because I still feel so lost & lonely & like you some days don't do anything makes me feel that I am not alone in my feelings.

I have read all the posts & it has helped me thank you to all of you .

take care 

jojo 

Dutsie
Posted by

My husband died in December 2018, so similar timeframe to some you above and familiar names.

I still have a lot my husband's belongings at home. I stopped coming into the site earlier this year as I felt I needed to be present in my day to day life more. 

I started to eat healthier, exercise more and then a month into lockdown or so, I woke up with a crippling backache! I have never had a backache before. Someone said to me that what I (and we!) have gone through is such traumatic event; it takes time to deal with things and sometimes it manifests itself in a physical sense. It did make me think, am I suppressing my feeling? Found myself questioning this and with more time on my hand came back to this site. I also have been chatting to my friends/family a bit more about how I am and where I need help. I am not very good at asking for help, as I am the one that normally helps! Saying that, I felt better for sharing some of my mundane, day to day, dilemmas with my siblings. I do think sometimes we need to take the lead (no matter how hard it is) as people around us don't always know what to say and how to help. 

I always feel more vulnerable when I am not 100% but for once I reached out.

Whilst lockdown intially helped me to slow down and focus on my overall wellbeing I have found that when things go wrong it makes that something difficult more so. I also think about my husband a lot more and how much I miss him.

I don't think I am suppressing my feelings as I have good friends that I do chat to now. Having counselling in the early days and chatting here helped me to open up to people near and dear here. Although they don't always get it. Perhaps the reason why I am back here now...

I finally decided to have a real clear out and decorate my home. Felt I was ready and it was a positive focus. However, the backache has set me back. There have been many set backs healthwise, actually injuries!  I do sometimes think why do I bother. I am being impatient again!  Breath. Be kind to myself. I will get there....

Renovations were stopped just before my husband's diagnosis in 2018. Half of my home is a mess/dated. It has taken me this long to start again; I hope that I will feel better for getting this done as well as a few other jobs. I really do think it is not case of what I have been doing but more so, what I have NOT been doing/avoiding...

I always like to end on a positive note. My stepson called me yesterday. That connection to my husband made my day. I am so lucky in so many other ways...

Take care all,

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Rolf
Posted by

Hi Dutsie

My bungalow by the sea is in need of attention. That's putting it mildly. I remember sharing this before and I remember you, I think it was you commented that you were in a similar place in so much as you and your love were in the process of renivating a home to spend retirement in.

I am trying to get a few jobs done but to be honest I can't help thinking there is no point to it scince Audrey is no longer here to enjoy it with me.

Her flowers are blooming in the garden and so I try my best to keep them going, though she was the one with green fingers. 

How wonderful it would have been to be in lock down with my Audrey. 

How awful to be without her. 

I would like to finish on a positive note too but that would be a lie and as I come on this site to help myself I can't lie to myself. 

Still love to all xxx

Dutsie
Posted by

Hey Rolf,

I do remember you. It still sounds like we are in a similiar place with regards to the state of our homes!

My garden is beautiful. Both my husband and I used to do the gardening together. Last year I did a good job but could not sit down and reap the benefits. This year I have had a few friends and neighbours around for a coffee and enjoyed the space. In fact, I am happy to be in the garden on my own now.  Had a few cries in the garden too! I think about my husband,  Richard a lot lately and miss him.

From the sounds of it, Audrey had made your garden beautiful. I find being near to nature uplifting and am glad to hear that you are keeping up with the garden. It is good for the soul!

You are lucky that you are near the sea and trust that you make the most of it. I never really want to go for a walk but once I do, I feel better for it. To go for a walk near the sea must be breathtaking at times. I don't live far from Denham, which you mention in your profile - I love the great walks in and around the country parks/farms round here.

With regards to the renovations, I hope I can start soon. A bit like my attitude to walking - I think it will make me feel better once it is done. At the same time I feel it can wait as I lived like this for over a year! It is tough,, isn't it?

The loss will always be there and I hear you! But I also believe in finding a different kind of happiness. For me, that means appreciating what I do have right now and enjoying the simple things in life. Almost like some of the life lessons Covid is teaching us all....albeit it has heightened all sorts of feelings within us. 

With lots of love, 

Dutsie x

MelanieL
Posted by

Hi all,

It's two years and two months for me and it has certainly become allowed easier for me over time to except my new normal, to find a new kind of happiness, and yet sometimes I can be thrown back into grief and pain like the other day when I just couldn't believe yet again that he is gone forever.

Love and hugsMel.

I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds.