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Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

So Alone And A Very Difficult Decision To Make

MelanieL
Posted by

Hi everyone,

Due to the Corona Virus pandemic, I haven't been able to see anyone for almost two weeks now with the exception of my very close family friend Jacqui with whom I met in a park yesterday to enjoy the spring sunshine.

I have never been good at being on my own for any length of time, even before Paul's death. One day, two at te most, and I am beginning to feel panicky and unwell and sort of helpless and insecure.

So you can imagine how I have been feeling these past few weeks.

My parents, who live in Germany, have said to me again and again that I could come to them and stay with them until all this is over.

Of course I am afraid of traveling. I am afraid of picking up this virus and, even if I don't get it myself, to give it to my parents who are both in a risk group due to their age.

But I think I am more afraid of what the future holds if I decide to stay here and be on my own for much longer.

So I think I will book the next flight and go home to my parents.

What do you all think about this? Is this selfish?

I think I feel so groundless and so lost at the moment that I just don't know and can't think clearly.

Love, Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
Akela2516
Posted by

Hi Mel,

If you can get a flight now and that is what you want to do, then do it. 

Life is too short as they say! And we all know. 

Take care

Love and hugs

Alison xxx

Dunlin
Posted by

Hi Mel

I've been feeling rising panic about the situation too.  All along I think we've known that the lockdown would come, and I've been dreading it because I've been using work to keep myself busy and distract myself from the grief.  I'm not able to work from home.  It is now four months since I lost my partner and I can't bear to be in the house for any length of time, but I'm just going to have to get on with it.  I've tried to make a few plans to structure my day at home.

I know it is hard, Mel.  But you have got this far and you've coped despite everything.  I think you know in your heart that it isn't wise to try to travel to Germany.  Even if you could get there despite the travel restrictions, you'd be risking spreading the virus not just to your loved ones but to the loved ones of other people too.  Help to keep them safe by staying here.  Chat to them online.

Dunlin
Sheilaj
Posted by

Hi all,

I also feel the same. I do not do alone well and until now have had a lot of contact from my family keeping me sane but now that has to stop and I’m facing 3 weeks without human contact and I’m scared for my mental health. Too much time on my hands and thinking time.

i know I can talk to them, face time them, go and get my food but it’s human contact I need. I also know it needs to happen but the timing when I am in pit of sadness (9 weeks since I lost my Bob) and I’d have loved to be in lockdown with him as I just loved being with him.

Anyone else scared and alone?

Sheila x

Kfla8087
Posted by

Hi Mel, I know what you mean about feeling so alone but needing family. I truly think that if you can get a flight to Germany to be with your parents, it will change just how lost you feel. Not massively, but knowing there is someone in the house with you has quite an effect on the soul. 

Last night I had to pack a bag and my cat and drive to the next county to be with my family because my daughter was there. And I had only told her Sunday night that her daddy had passed away. Driving down I felt so sick and like I was leaving him behind, but waking up the next morning I feel a little bit like a weight has lifted. That's because I am surrounded by my family. Even if they dont talk to me much or cant get close etc, knowing they are within the vicinity helps so very much.

I really hope you can get a flight, it doesn't have to be for a long time, it can be like a mini break. You will be back. And you can tell Paul all about it. Xx

Wildcat
Posted by

Yes it's very scary being on our own.  Sadly though as much as I get why you want to be with your family it's just not feasible or practical. 

Look to the moon.
Can't imagine any future without my soulmate
martin e
Posted by

Hi Sheila 

we are all sad and alone when I’m having a shit day at work like today miss being able to text and ring for a little chat calm me down 

you are right it’s the contact with someone you miss  I miss Diane so much it is ripping me apart inside  and the virus I have not got her with me to say we will get through this together  the loneliness drains you 

take care 

Martin x

Dalia
Posted by

I'm also feeling very lonely and lost. I was really looking forward to Easter Holidays to see my family and friends abroad but this is not going to happen now. I'm approaching 7 months and I miss him more than ever. It's is very hard being by my own a day and night and it will take a lot of effort to keep sane and as well as possible.

At the moment, every evening  I'm watching "Calling a midwife". I love this show and didn't watch the early episodes. I live in the flat and don't have a garden to enjoy so I bought myself an exercise bike just to keep moving a bit. Not really into having a fun on command and joining some online exercise groups or any other online activities, I'm not in a mood for all that. I'm reading a lot, cleaning, and try to keep myself busy as much as I can. I found that any physical activity, no matter what it is, even cleaning a bathroom is a welcome distraction from my dark thoughts. 

Whenever I think how hard it is for me I try to think about those for whom it is even harder. All those people in the Hospitals unable to get any visits from their families, people who are going through what our loved ones went trough recently, alone. My friend's husband had a stroke, a serious one, she is not able to visit him in the Hospital and it's devastating. I cannot even imagine how that would make me feel. At least I was able to spend every minute with Danny during his 6 weeks stay in the Hospital.

 As much as I wish to be with my family and surrounded with people I love and who love me, I have to accept that this is not possible at this moment of time. So far I have somehow survived  the loss of the person I loved the most, my whole world has gone. Not even this situation, all the loneliness, sadness, isolation compare to what I already went through. That's why I sometimes think, if I survived so far, I'll somehow manage to deal with having my life on hold for a bit longer. Only this time I'm not the only one ( amongst my friends, family and colleagues) going through it, the whole planet is on the same boat. It's not about being strong, I hate when people say that, it's about the fact that sometimes being strong is the only choice we have. 

Lots of love

Dalia xx

I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.


limbo
Posted by

Oh, Mel, this is  a tough one. We all empathise and sympathise. In normal circumstances, this loneliness is hard and, of course, now, it's heightened by this situation. I agree with you when you say it's risky for you to take the plane today. It's risky for you and for your parents. In the end, it's your decision. It's not a question of being selfish. You seem to be a very sensible, level-headed person. You know yourself best and can gauge just how much you can handle. If you do go, just make sure you protect yourself as best as you can. I know you don't need me to tell you that but still...

Let us know what you've decided.