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Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Bitter Sweet

Geoff999
Posted by

Dear all,

Im 8 months into losing my darling Anne. Yesterday whilst talking to her photo something struck me out of the blue that caused a bitter sweet reaction. I found myself saying to her " If you had to pass my sweety pie I'm  so glad it was last July so that you didn't have to be scared of this corona virus infection" Anne had already been given her ' death sentence.' as she jokingly called it some 14 months earlier and she peacefully passed away in an NHS private room alone with me. I had just told her I always loved her and she'd been the best wife and mum  in the world and the kids loved her so much as well. She passed with a tiny smile on her face. If that same situation was occurring today I can't imagine how things would have ended. I understand all our local hospital beds are full with many being occupied by corona virus victims. And so would any hospital have taken my soul mate in - as Anne was in hospital 10 days before she passed? And if not would there have been a hospital bed free to deliver to our house instead? Maybe not! That scenario scares me even though now it's just a fantasy. Anne clearly needed constant on call  nursing supervision because of pre death agitation which was calmed with injections as required by the angel nurses asigned to her needs. Yet at home this could never have happened, hospital bed or not. Just a palliative nurse popping in maybe 4 times a day. At night its obviously harder to access one of these nurses should an incident occur.  And on more than one occasion Anne  told the nurses and doctors she just wanted to die as she was sick of it all. While discussing this with our gorgeous daughter I broke down in tears as I found myself saying that had that worst scenario manifested at home -  and if Anne had begged me - because of my deep love for her - I would have helped her pass with a pillow and damn the law or the consequences. I thank god it never came to that and will be grateful for the rest of my life  that my darling passed when she did. Goodness knows there must other dying cancer patients now  facing terrible care  circumstances because this evil corona virus infection. I hope I'm wrong.

Love and Light 

Geoff.

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

Gemmary
Posted by

@Geoff999  I had the same thought with my father in law, he passed in hospital last Oct after being on palliative care. Glad I am not the only one to think this! 

Take care of yourself

Djaxster
Posted by

Hi Geoff,

My stepdaughter and I were discussing this the other night as she was upset that her mum is not with us during these troubling times. She said that she wanted her mum to give her a big hug and tell her everything will be alright. She was really panicking about what the next 3 months are going to do to us. Now I'm completely opposite to her, I don't let things that you can't control get me down or upset, I'm more chilled and laid back so I gave her hug and told her everyone is going thru this and some are in a worse position than us. I then explained to her that I was glad that our Angel Belle is not with us as this would really affect our lives. We both wouldn't be able to goto work or venture outside due to her condition. 

My Angel Belle would have been really panicking about it and probably would have done my head in, then I would be really worried about her. If she had passed during these times then we may have not been able to have a funeral, I know this because I work in parks and have colleagues on the cemetery side of the contract who are looking into mass numbers of burials or cremations that may have to be done behind closed doors due to this virus. 

I'm so glad that she is not here and once I had explained to my stepdaughter she cheered up and agreed with me. I feel so sorry for all you guys on your own. I spent 17 wonderful years with my Angel  Belle and her daughter was 11 when I joined their little family, we have had our ups and downs, even for a few years during her teens she hated me but these last 6 months we have developed a very strong bond. I have something to carry on for, someone to love, and I always have done, to look after and protect. The only time I feel really alone is when she stays at friends for the evening and the house is too quiet.

The next morning after our discussion our song came on the radio Coldplay Yellow, that has been her mum and mine fav choon since we first met. We used to ask DJs at parties to play it for us, we would hold each other and dance. (part of the lyric is my signature below) I text my stepdaughter and she was happy that it was on. I think back now that it could have been a message from my Angel Belle as a thank you for calming her daughter down and reassuring her.

All the best everyone and stay well, healthy and safe.

Djaxster

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.
Ebony12
Posted by

Hi Geoff

i was also thinking this, and as much as I miss my husband so much I am grateful he went so peacefully without having to worry about corona virus. 

I think I would of stressed him out as I would of been OTT trying to protect him and I think it would of tipped me over the edge!

but yes, your right,  it is bittersweet. I was just poking at the photos we had put together for big screen at his wake and I’ve been listening to all his favourite songs, we absolutely loved music.

shed a few tears, mulling about the house with no motivation as if there’s nothing to do!

but tomorrow’s another day and things can wait, I think I will look at photos and listen to the songs again, and have happy tears of the wonderful life we had together and thank him for all our memories. 

take care my friend

Geoff999
Posted by

Dear all,

Thank you so much for your supportive and heart felt responses. I truly believe our loved ones were blessed when they departed from us.And  I accept the last passage of my post was very deep. Thank god I was never put to the test

Love and Light 

Geoff x

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

Geoff999
Posted by

Dear Djaxter

I just listened to your song for the first time and it brought me to tears.Bless you, your stepdaughter, and your Angel Belle  

Love and Light 

Geoff x 

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

Djaxster
Posted by

Thanks Geoff

It is a great song and now has an extra feel of emotion when I hear it. I had a few tears well up the other day when it came on

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.