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Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

just wanted to ramble

limbo
Posted by

Hi all, 

Bear with me. Am in a pensive mood. It's Thursday, the candle is lit and the flame is my company. I feel as if Gilles has gone for good, nothing I can interpret as a sign. Sometimes I feel that at 15 months, I should be doing better but when I read the posts of those who are 11 weeks, 6 months or 8 months on, I tell myself that it could be me.

I miss Gilles immensely. We never actually said good-bye. I was so much in denial or hoping so desperately for a recovery, that I didn't see the end coming, or didn't want to admit it. In the end, he slipped away in a coma. I know I'm repeating myself for those who've, unfortunately, been on the site for a while now. At first, not having said goodbye didn't bother me because I felt as though there hadn't been any need. There was a knowing, and that remains true, but I would have liked to be able to hold on to some parting words. He was not very expressive, so I can't even imagine what that could have been. So, it is what it is.

What else does life hold? I went to see a doctor this week and she asked me if I was particilarly stressed out at the moment. I told her I was grieving and out came the tears, instantaneous, like magic, kind of like Pavlov's dog. Mention anything remotely connected to his death and I cry. She said hat at 51 I was still young and it was up to me know if I wanted to live through the rest of life that remained. Question mark.

I was thinking today in the car that no matter what I try - meditation, looking and talking to pictures, holding on to his pillow - nothing will ever compensate for the loss. Nothing will ever capture his essence. 

We have all said at some point that a part of us died too and that we don't know who we are. Many of us, not all of us, were in our 20's when we met or got marrried to our partners or spouses. We were children, when you come to think of it. We were becoming, still being shaped and then found ourselves so deeply intertwined with another individual. We merged, in a way. Going back to that person before Gilles is impossible. I am, necessarily, partly him, partly me, plus what the illness and death  did to me. I did something really courageous this week (too long a story), stood up for myself like I've never done before. I fought for Gilles' life but I've never really tried too hard for me. Have always been a good litte girl not making waves, and certainly not at work. I would have liked to hear him say, "You did well."

I've kept you long enough. If you're still reading, thank you for your patience. I had no particular point I wanted to make, just needed to prattle. For some reason, 15 months feels like another milestone - it's a round figure.

Take care, everyone, in these strange times.

Ruby Diamond
Posted by

Hi Limbo

It's good to ramble.

Ive had an awful week, also along story. Needless to say it involved one of my sons breaking his ankle, oh the worry, and I am now questioning my life. I am 51 so much life ahead of me. To be alone and sad! That's not what I want or Rob would want for me either but I don't know what else to do.

We met in our 20s and had children in our 30s. We relocated due to Robs job over 400 miles from friends and family. I don't know how to live here on my own. My children rightly will leave home and make lives for themselves. But what do I do??

It will be my 2 year anniversary on 31st March. I have no idea how we will mark this occasion, nobody can travel to visit us. It is a very frightening time. 

Take care 

  • Ruby diamond x
Sheilaj
Posted by

Hi All,

I'll join the Ramble, also had a bad week, 9 weeks today since I lost my Bob and this Corona Virus has added to my sadness and Grief as i'm now working from home which is just a sad lonely house without my Bob in it. All my children, grandchildren and Elderly parents live local but they've been keeping away to avoid spreading and I've kept away from My Parents for the same reason so severe lonliness has set in and feel like i'm going Mad. I've tried to keep myself busy by going to the Gym, running and even ventured into a bit of gardening and online shopping (Purchased myself a patio set for the summer) None of which has helped or made me happy it's just going through the motions. Not going out means I havn't even had to dress smart or even put Make up on so I now look like a mad old Bag lady and i'm only 59! Life just feels like one big drag with no purpose and I hate it.

I can't walk past Bobs picture without crying and asking him to "Please come back" Cancer took my darling husband and I feel like it has taken me also.

Hopefully weekend will be more bearable as I have plans to go outdoors with children and Grandchildren so will be kept busy and my 6 year old Grandson is having a sleepover with me so that will be lovely, he is great company.

What can I do, i'm sad, heartbroken and lost and think that's how the rest of my life will be. Basically it's Shit!

Rant over

Sheila

winmick
Posted by

Hi Sheila. 
I know exactly how you feel , it’s been 8 months for me now. And life still seems pointless. I put on a mask when out , but indoors it’s just a sad lonely life with no one to talk to. And it looks like the same for the foreseeable future. We can only hope it might get a bit better. 
Take care , Mike. 

Love you always Winnie xx
AliG55
Posted by

Hi all,

Its good to have a rant, that's what this site is for.....getting things off our chest.

I've also had a crap week, utterly exhausted and missing Mark so much. We met when I was 17 and I'm 55 now, can't really remember life without him. He also worked from home so was around 24/7 (used to get on my bloody nerves LOL). I don't know who I am without him, but I know I've probably got a lot of life left and I also know he wouldn't want me to be miserable, but I am just plodding along day after day with no motivation or interest in anything.

Tears are flowing again now, will they ever stop?!

Love and hugs to all. Ali x

martin e
Posted by

Hi all 

I’ve read all the rants we have had a bad week I hate coming home at nite from work a nite the loneliness is horrible I say hello to pictures 

when you are having a bad you just want to ring or text your partner so they can tell you everything will be alright but you can’t life is shit 

im 54  I was with Diane 10 years but we enjoyed are life together and made each other happy.  I feel like something has been ripped out of my chest  I have no direction just plodding through the days getting a long missing the life  we had together 

take care all 

Martin x

limbo
Posted by

It's complicated, isn't it, when we don't have family around. Gilles is French and I made my life in France. At the end of the school year, when this contract ends, I have to go back to France, where I have no-one in particular. There's just my job. I have a few friends but my real reason for going back no longer exists. I'm quite worried about that because, like you, Ruby Diamond, I don't know how to live without him over there.

I'm on a small island at the moment and I feel protected. Everyone is friendly, my students are as sweet as can be but all that is going to change. I wanted to take a year off to breathe and get back slowly into life in France but was too afraid of squandering our savings.

One day at a time. I guess it doesn't make sense to project too far into the future. We've survived so far.

jane15
Posted by

Hello Sheila,

I thought I was the only one who talked to their husbands photos and beg him to come back . Yes. I agree with you life seems pointless and I hate every day.

Jane

AliG55
Posted by

Jane,

You are definitely not the only one, I do it all the time too. Feel lost without him.

Ali x

Akela2516
Posted by

Hi,

I think we all need a ramble in these sad times which are being made worse at the moment. 

I never got to say goodbye Limbo because he died suddenly with complications of cancer/chemo and we weren't ready for it. I just wish I could have told him I really loved him one more time and hope he wasn't scared as I wasn't there to hold his hand as I promised! We thought we had a few more months. 

I am only 52 Martin and we had 10 years together too. My first husband also died too early in life. 

I do put make up on Shelia but have put on weight and eat crap! I am eating leggings and baggy tops far too much! I am trying to keep busy and start every week with I am going to loose this weight!!! I lost 2 stone a year ago but it is back!!! 

Loneliness is huge for us all and although some of us have family we are alone from the one we loved and that is a huge gap! 

At least the sun is shining today so hopefully I can smile a bit. I had lot of pleasure lady night in allowing my daughter a few friends round as s bit of a leavers party for pizza. It was not much but it was a flat ending to five years in school together.

Have a relaxing weekend everyone

Love and hugs Alison xxx

martin e
Posted by

Hi all 

ive been down most of day  the loneliness and emptiness and having no drives is driving mad we had a good life together and both were driven now life had stopped and I keep plodding but I would like to give up really 

I went shopping all people thinking and acting like to food in world is about to run out   Lol I would have not got out of bed. but need food   

but I found some chocolate left   But biscuits had all gone and fishing was crap too  why do I bother getting out of bed

hope you all had a good day  

Martin x

Akela2516
Posted by

Hi Martin,

I hope tomorrow is better! I went with my daughter so she could get her piercing done! Not a lover of them but life is too short to get up tight as a mum when they are good kids and well behaved and caring. It does look quite nice even if I am too old! Lol

I got a bit of shopping, it is a good job there is chocolate left, at least it perks us up! No loo roll though! Lol.

I got out in the garden all afternoon. Had a nice bit of fresh air which did me good. I have planted a few plants and tidied up. Will have to wait for the arbour as my dad is isolating. But it looks better.

My son bought and cooked our evening meal which made a nice change.

I have the telly on but I have watched a whole programme and couldn't tell you a thing about it!! 

Have a good nights sleep.

Love and hugs to all

Alison xxx

martin e
Posted by

Hi Alison 

you have a good  day  when will all have to lock are selfs away for two weeks that will be worse for me  Sleep one of my problems did not sleep much last nite kept waking up   I watch a bit of tv or listen to lol  

the chocolate I would like to give it up  not toilet paper issue still  it will like the war soon rationing lol one of every thing stop the idiots in the shops  glad you had a good dey 

will try to go to bed soon nite 

martin x

martin e
Posted by

Hi all 

it’s Sunday nite  tried to keep busy housework washing  cooked shepherds pie for dinner text my children they in Aberdeenshire I live in  Hertfordshire  my daughter said she needs to self isolate just in case she catches it that  made  me laugh  

I hate life  sometimes I don’t think it is worth  keep plodding along the pain  loneliness emptiness the longing get to much then I beg beg a bit more look at the pictures just want Diane home again  life is shit and everybody tell you it will take time and I just want my life back how it was how do you keep going on 

Martin x

winmick
Posted by

Hi Martin. I haven’t been on here for a few weeks but have been reading all your posts. I am very sorry for the loss of your wife. It is the worst thing that can happen to us. I lost my wife in July even though it is 8 months ago the pain is still immense. My Sunday was just like yours housework ironing chips and fried egg for dinner. Also had a good cry this morning looking at Winnie’s photo. We were married for 43 years and now living this empty lonely life like you say is shit. All our futures have been taken away . To me it is not living it’s just existing from one day to the next. You asked how do we keep going on. I really don’t know, to me it seems like I am in a waiting room waiting for my turn so I can be United with my darling wife again. Sorry Martin this won’t help you very much , but it is just how I feel. 
hope you have a better day tomorrow. 
Mike. 

Love you always Winnie xx