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Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Overwhelmed again

Mabelmum
Posted by

Woke this morning  having been dreaming that my husband and i were travelling to London but we were in different cars, i parked but then i could not find him. I had no phone signal to ring him. I think this was the worst that i have felt since he died on 12th January. Just when i think i am doing ok things like this dream happen and i just hate this. Lots of well meaning people advise keeping busy but when you do stop it just feel like running into a brick wall. Thank you for listening.

Wishing peace and comfort for all in this group. xxxxx    

Mabelmum xx
Lavender1969
Posted by

Good morning MABELMUM AND ALL, 

Yes, that is true. Many people advise us to keep busy, but they haven't got a clue. Sometimes it does take the mind away, but sometimes it doesn't. The problem is, that the drive and purpose to do things for our loved ones are gone. Often I feel, what's the purpose? As a friend of mine says, who will see it? This is not just about keeping ourselves busy. To find the motivation is the most difficult part. And when I do keep busy, its lacking enthusiasm.

And you are absolutely right. When we stop, its like running into a brick wall. 

I hope, we all have a better day today. 

Take care All. 

Love

Andrea xxx

  • Andrea xxx
Geoff999
Posted by

Morning Andrea, 

'Keeping busy' I fully agree with your sentiments.Today for the first time since Anne passed I'm fishing with my son. He stayed over night at the river so I'll meet him there. I just couldn't bare to spend the night with him. To many memories of Anne's lovely packed lunches and the sausages she used to select so carefully for us to cook. Then there would have been the phone called at 7pm in the evening to check she was OK and to say good night. I can't ever see myself night fishing ever again.So yes I'll 'be busy' for the day but coming back home will cause me heart break. My darling won't be there to say " Hello love. Did you catch anything? " Instead it will be the same silent house that's lost all its Spirit and I know I'll start crying as once again I'll be aware that I'm back to square one again. Keeping busy wouldn't have solved anything.

Love and Light 

Geoff x

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

martin e
Posted by

Hi Geoff 

enjoy your fishing today with your son  what you say is right  I never do nite fishing but with my wife would come with me catch more fish than me and we use to go on a fishing holiday together you  go out for the day come home and it’s silent I work all week I come and think keep myself busy does not work somedays think I can’t keep going on  people say chin up you got keep going. It will get better does not feel like it 

Martin x

Sheilaj
Posted by

Hi Geoff

ive just experienced everything you said. I went out yesterday with friends so a Cheltenham race day that bob and I loved. Had a lovely couple of hours but then walking home alone when we always walked everywhere holding hand hit me like a slap in the face. Going into empty house I ate meal for one then all the junk I could put my hands on then fell asleep on the sofa and today I feel right back to square one. Very low and tearful so a couple hours of nearly normal has set me back and I feel dreadful. Worse I’ve felt since I lost my bob 8 weeks ago. 

god this is relentless and I’m struggling to do it!!!!!!

Sheila x

martin e
Posted by

Hi Andrea 

sometimes do you feel like you are going mad trying to keep busy then you stop and the lonely stuff starts and you can’t start again you don’t like eating doing anything then give up I know the feeling about hitting the brick wall

Martin x

martin e
Posted by

Hi Sheila 

try and have a good day. It’s been two and a half months for me  I know how you how you feel I’ve been down most of the week my wife’s birthday next week would be 52 

 I know it’s hard to go on but everybody tells me are partners would not want us to do  nothing stupid even I could finish it some days. 

martin x

winmick
Posted by

Hi all , I feel exactly the same as all of you. I try to keep busy , have just cleaned the kitchen sink and oven and cooker. When I used to do it before Winnie would always have a cup of coffee ready when I finished. I had to make my own coffee and now sitting here on my own drinking it , tears aren’t far away. Like someone said what’s the bloody point. We are just surviving not living. 
Geoff hope you enjoy the fishing, I know it won’t be the same. But hopefully you get a little enjoyment out of it. 
Take care all. 
Mike. 

Love you always Winnie xx
Sheilaj
Posted by

I so wish we all didn’t feel like this it’s so bloody hard to find enjoyment in anything and if you do for a while I don’t know about you but I then feel guilty. Really struggling today and I don’t know why. Possibly because I actually had a few drinks with friends yesterday and I think alcohol makes you more depressed but whatever it is I feel very tearful. Got all my kids and grandchildren about to descend on me so no time to cry with 5 babies in the house.

it helps knowing there are friends like you listening and feeling the same just wish we didn’t have to post on this site. I suppose we are doing this even if it’s one step forward and 2 back. One day I might be able to post “ had a good day” but can’t see it happening any time soon.

Sheila

Newb
Posted by

Hi Sheila I can go through the week so so but sat I'm in tears I go to my wifes little garden at cremotrium 9months and I still can't go there and not cry 

Hope your day is a little better

Ian
Stevenage man
Posted by

Hi Sheila 

Reading what you said it hit me that it could have been written by me. That’s exactly how I feel it’s been 7 weeks for me now and the empty house and the quiet it the worse. I just went to Costco first time on my own just walked round in a trance fighting back tears. I think that’s why I turn down invitations to go out, apart from feeling guilty about having a good time I hate coming back to a empty house.

Akela2516
Posted by

Hi All,

It is 11 weeks today!! Sometimes it feels longer and sometimes shorter! 

When you think things are better then they aren't again!

Feeling rough today, start of a cold. Feel really tired. 

I have had a letter regarding his rent that I don't owe but despite the British legion it seems they are going to harass me! So that is another letter to write. Don't really have fight in me at the moment! But I am not paying it as the debt dies with him and they are claiming arrears that were not there! 

I have to write for the coroner and inquest. That I keep putting off! I feel that I am having to defend him for having cancer! I also think they will take little notice of me anyway! I just want it all to go away and be finalised to be honest! I just can't move forward with these silly little things hanging. Part of me wants to say it doesn't matter, I knew him best and it is just them summising and I would like to refuse to write a statement but part of me feels that I want to defend him. I guess I have to legally do it! Not sure how long can I put it off! I have made notes! Maybe I will do it Monday before work as I have a late start. 

I tackled the shops this morning. It took all my energy. I am sat here now drinking tea, feel shite and no go! Chores to do but staring at the telly and wanting to cry. I would love one of his hugs and cuppas but it won't happen. 

Xxx

Djaxster
Posted by

Everything we are each going through, we are all going through in some way or another. The trips we used to do together such as shopping, visiting family or friends, for an evening out or trip to the beach or countryside, all gone and can never be replaced.

Even those things we used to do on our own are difficult. For me it's going to support my local non league club. I used to go with my pals and it was an escape from all my Angel Belles illness and stress of life and work. Loved it but now I've only been twice since she passed. She would follow the game at home and text me when we scored, I would text her back  " I know I'm here watching it lol" and other scores. Last time I was at a game and we scored I reached for my phone expecting a text and my mate put his arm around as he knew what I was looking for but will never arrive, her text.

Once home I would tell her all about the game, she grew to love football through me, if I hadn't and you many beers and could remember it. But know that's all gone. I really want to go back and enjoy it but I feel that even though she never came with me she was still there.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.
martin e
Posted by

Hi we all feel your pain we are all in the club of loneliness not knowing what to do doing shopping housework anything takes twice as along or I just give up drink tea like you watch crap tv if cook don’t always eat it 

the debt dieing with you please go to citizens advice like I did it’s complicated 

martin x

Akela2516
Posted by

Ric was a veteran, the British legion have dealt with it and confirmed it Martin. We lived apart because if PTSD and he was a single Tennant with no guarantor. I will reply to this letter only but they have told me I can have them for haressment! 

Just a down day! But I am watching crap TV! Lol xxx