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Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

New here, funeral Today, how to get through it ?

NellieJ
Posted by

Hello.  Never had anything like this before. Funeral today and I've not done this before. Plenty of other trials and tricky things in life, but nothing like this. Everything is all mixed up, I am looking forward to the funeral, making sure it is a good send off and dreading it and feel very exposed and under scrutiny.  I only want to be able to get through with some dignity.  And then try and find some way of finding a little bit of space and quiet to myself.

The last few months of caring, his death and weeks of manaing things around dying and death and all the practical things that have to be done have rinsed me. The demands of others have drained me. The well meaning nonsense talked by people has tired me out. I just need a little bit of time to sit with my thoughts. Not today I guess, but soon I  hope.

Den1968
Posted by

This was me 5 months ago, you’ll get through it in a kind of autopilot way with help if you have a good FD. The build up to today will have been very busy but things will quieten down and you’ll have plenty of time to gather your thoughts 

Djaxster
Posted by

Hi Nellie,

I really hope that today's goes as you have planned and you get to remember and celebrate your husbands life. 

The hardest thing that I have ever done was plan my angel Belles funeral. Both my parents are still alive so I've never had to do this before but my stepdaughter and I done it our way. Luckily a friend of mine is a funeral director and he basically took on everything we wanted. It was a lively service of family and close friends. My stepdaughter gave a heartbreaking but beautiful eulogy that had us all in tears. After the cremation we had the wake at my local Rugby club with photos of our angel all over the place, a massive big screen also showing images and playing her fav music. I gave a lighthearted speech about the funny times we shared and managed to keep it together. Our little nephew let off a red heart balloon and as it reached the sky a rainbow appeared, just like on the day she died.

I know you may find some parts of today hard  but you'll have so much love from friends and family that will help you get through the day. Celebrate his life and kind of enjoy the day.

He will be looking down with a big smile on his face just as I'm positive that our Angrl Belle did on her day.

Best wishes

Djaxster

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.
limbo
Posted by

Hello Nellie,

So sorry for your loss which is very recent. No, there's nothing comparable, is there? For many of us, it was also our first time having to make funeral arrangements and, of course, those arrangements being for our spouses, which can seem surreal. At this stage, you probably don't believe this is really happening but, strangely enough, this is what will help you get through the day. I know how hard this has been but I'm sure that everythng will go well.

I also understand when you say you need to have quiet time to yourself. We need to withdraw from the constant movement and to start processing what has happened. Remember, though, this time of collective mourning is also important. After, life will go on for the others and you will have your time to grieve.

People sometimes say insensitive and ridiculous things because they've never been in the situation and they think they understand, but, in reality, they haven't got the slightest clue. Sometimes, they think they have to say something or try to fix things when all they need to do is just listen.

Once the funeral is over, make sure you get some rest, that you eat a little and that you do what feels right for you. Take all the time you need for yourself because this is how you will begin to heal, whatever healing means. I haven't yet figured it out, to be honest. In any case, posting here has been therapeutic for me and I think for everybody else who's on. Your rants and cries will not fall on deaf ears.

Take good care of yourself.

AliG55
Posted by

Beautifully said Limbo x

orchardmead30
Posted by

Hello Djaxster I just had to say I loved your post about your loved one. You called your love one Belle  Angel which was lovely. My lovely husband Ron ahs been gone just over 3 years and I have always called him my Angel and when I write any cards for any occasion I always put my name and my Angel on the card. So I have never had to just put my name only which I would hate. Our family love it and now I even get cards sent to me with my angel on it like Christmas cards .  I feel my Ron is always here never forgotten and always included. I also know he would love what I do with my Angel. I hope you didn"t mind me saying this to you but I just loved the way you said in your post Angel. Love and hugs xx Carol xxx

Carol

Djaxster
Posted by

Thank you Carol for your kind words.

It's coming upto 6 months since my Angel Belle received her wings and flew away. We have experienced lots of grief from our Housing Association and I'm still to complain about the way the hospital dealt with her and us in her final hours, I was turned away and told to come back in the morning but by the time my stepdaughter told me to get back to the ward I missed her mum by 3 minutes.All through this my Angel Belle has been with us.

At xmas I got 10 special cards with an image of her and her daughter taken a few Christmases ago wearing Santa hats and sent them to special family and friends. I signed them from myself, our Angel Belle and her daughter and everyone who recieved one said that it was emotional but it also made them think of her and us on xmas day. I don't do cards but when I have to i will always include  our Angel Belle on it as she is still part of my life that continues without her.

It's her birthday next month and I'm planning an evening at my local Rugby club to get together family and Friends to celebrate with me her life. Not sure what I will do just probably put a bit of food one, create a playlist of her fav choons and have a good drink up.

I feel that I still should include her in everything and she is always with her daughter and myself thanks to our jewellery containing small amounts of her ashes. She will never be forgotten or unloved by any who knew her.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.