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Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Grief and still cant get rid of my husbands ashes after five years

MJGB
Posted by

My darling husband passed away five years ago and I still can't get rid of his ashes.. People think the pain of losing him goes away.... It doesn't. ️ miss him dreadfully... We did everything together.... ️ 

JaneAustenfan
Posted by

You don't have to get rid of his ashes if you don't want to. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. My Mum passed away in 2018 (from Alzheimers) & it still feels raw. Give yourself lots of tlc & it doesn't matter what other people think!

A
orchardmead30
Posted by

Hi MJGB I will never ever let my husbands ashes go any where. He passed nearly 4 years ago I have told my family to put my ashes with his when I go. I feel he is with me whilst his ashes are here. Everyone does different things on this horrible journey and you should  only do what you feel. Love and hugs to you. x  Carol x

Carol

MJGB
Posted by

Thank you Carol, I feel abit better knowing I aren't on my own, I also want to go with him... He had a very rare form of cancer, losing his leg first and then becoming paralysed as the cancer spreadto his spine and iin the end severed his spinal chord.. I nursed him through all of this dreadful illness and in the end his pride had gone and I think he had had enough..., have to say I never expeted to be a widow at 51..... Thank you again for your kind words.. 

MJGB
Posted by

Thank you so much for your kind words xx

Dutsie
Posted by

Dear MJGB,

The loss is is always there and does not go away! I suppose we all learn to cope with it in our way and in our own time....

Dealing with ashes is a very personal thing and I think some people make an active choice to keep ashes at home to honour their loved ones and some through their indecisiveness. There is no right way or timescale. Just do what is right for you.

It took me months before I collected my husband's ashes and intially, I felt bad/guilty.  However, the people from funeral home were very kind and told me to take as long as I wanted/that I am not alone in taking my time.

I am approaching 15 months. Today I decided to clear a few things that were "hidden" in wardrobes and drawers. In fact I was looking for a receipt that I need for work!

Ended up looking at cards. Came across birthday cards from my husband over the years and from our wedding just after his diagnosis. So whilst I managed to clear quite a few things up,  I ended up getting emotional/crying.

So enough for today, I am going to the pub for a quick coffee now - probably won't sleep well later! Just need to get some fresh air and have a break.

Night night all,

With lots of love, 

Dutsie Xx

MJGB
Posted by

I feel so much better knowing I'm not stupid or mad by hanging onto Geoffs ashes, I used to say to him I'm keeping you with me until I go... ️ I too have a drawer with all Geoffs special things in, cards, his glasses, wallet etc and every so often I'll open it up and look through them, he also started writing a diary when we knew he wasn't going to get better and I find comfort in reading what he wrote, always praising me and saying I was his rock and wouldn't have got through half of it without me, but I didn't want praise I nursed him because I LOVED HIM AND STILL DO.. Its good to have this and know that others are going through the same as me. Much love x

Dalia
Posted by

I also keep my husband's ashes, it brings great comfort. I feel he is where he wanted to be, at home. I've ordered this beautiful urn that looks like a sculpture so to those who don't know  it's not immediately obvious what the real purpose of the sculpture is. Of course, this is not a choice everyone would feel comfortable with but it works for me and it will be that way until is my turn to go. 

Love

Dalia xx

I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.


Newb
Posted by

Hi have a small necklace with ashes in it she will always be with me wherever I go

Ian
Akela2516
Posted by

It is very personal what you do with ashes. It is what is right for you.

I was horrified at first with having them at home. I am s nurse and can deal with dead bodies but a bit uncomfy with ashes! Not sure why. I love looking after the dying and making them look nice when they have gone. 

I have settled for scattering my husband at the beginning.if April when it will be his army reunion as he desperately wanted to go. I want to set him free. He loved the outdoors. I have saved a small pot of ashes with his special jewellery which I am going to bury in our garden next to his beloved summer house. This is where he is now because although I like to talk to.him in there, I don't feel happy with him.in the house. It is some thing we did talk about. He said he would fit in the garage! Lol. 

I actually quite like him in the summer house, I feel like I can talk to him there. But I do want him to go free sooner rather than later because I don't want him trapped. That is just me! I also don't think I can move forward without saying goodbye to him. I will always have my memories and love him.

I have a couple of beautiful memory boxes one of which a friend made me with his regimental badge on it. His hat is in the summer house at the moment and stick balanced on the grandmother clock. But I have tucked away most memories on my wardrobe top shelf do I can get them if I need them. There are photos of him and my family everywhere. 

Good job we are all different. 

Hugs and love xxx

MelanieL
Posted by

Hi Akela2516,

We seem to have very similar feelings where the ashes are concerned. I had Paul's ashes here at home with me for one year but then felt it was time to let him go, to set him free, because I felt that he was trapped here in the house and his urn.

You will do it when the time is right. And perhaps April is a good time for you. I think we will all know intuitively when the time has come.

Love, Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
Akela2516
Posted by

Hi Mel,

Ric loved nature, the outdoors and the army. It is reunion weekend so wanted to set him free back to the army then. I hope I still can with this Corona. 

I loved him more than he knew but I don't want to put my life on total hold and Ric wouldn't want that. I don't mean anyone else but just to live. He wanted me to find compy but I never will. 

Alison xxx