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Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Sometimes I feel perhaps I shouldnt be on this site.

Geoff999
Posted by

My dear friends. 

I read all of your posts and can't help noticing that so many of you have lost the love of your life when you were so young compared to me. Good people grieving in their 40's. 50's. And 60''s. My heart goes out to you. My Anne passed from pancreatic cancer aged 71. It could be said. ' Well she had a full life at that age'. And me being  74 some might say. ' Well you are living on borrowed time mate. Make the best of it. Anyone living into their 70's can't complain when the end comes. And those into their 80's are truly blessed.' 

I can only say that grief knows no age. It hits so many good folk below the belt and it's  so unfair. But particularly good people that are so young - including the love of their lives who  passed so young. 

But for me at 74,  and  6 months into bereavement, its too late to start a new life. I'm not daft. So I live each day from day to day, Some are OK. Some are filled with so much sadness. But for you younger friends, Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just maybe. Who am I to say? I've survived, and each day becomes more and more tolerable.Each day I see a glint of hope and life. So think of how you might be as time progresses? 

Love and Light 

Geoff

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

Wildcat
Posted by

You have every right to be here. As you say grief knows no age. 

Good to hear that it's a bit more tolerable

Look to the moon.
Can't imagine any future without my soulmate
Ruby Diamond
Posted by

Good evening Geoff

This site is for everyone who has lost a partner and our grief is our grief. The length of  time we had together matters not. I think it's the future we all expected that links us. We didn't ask to be left alone some for longer than others but still not the life we wanted. 

I was with my husband for 19 years married for 14 and he died when he was 47. I never wanted my son's to grow up without a Dad, sadly my Dad died in a car crash so I know only too well how they will miss him for all their lives.

I am so pleased to know that some of your days are now ok, this is a long slow process but you are getting there. Have you thought any more about getting a companion whether that be a dog or a cat?

Sleep easy

  • Ruby diamond x
Glostp
Posted by

Geoff,

We have both been in this group for about the same time and both lost our soulmate to pancreatic cancer.

Just wanted to say I read all the posts too and I'm only slightly younger than yourself.

Whilst it must be bad to lose your love at a young age, to lose the love of your life at any age is a terrible cruel thing.

My Amanda was 67, a good age but as mentioned in the thread, it's not just the age it's all the things planned all the Hope's and dreams of our future,gone that we all share.

I'm glad your having some good or at least ok days, I'm having good days also, just the numbness, persists, and as for everyone on here we all miss our loved one so much.

Gary

Softly the leaves of memories fall gently we gather and treasure them all.
Lou1986
Posted by

dear Geoff,

My husband died at the age of 42 in dec 19. I’m 33 years old. My dads wife (who was like a mum to me for 23 years) died in Oct 19. My dad is 73 years old and he is still as bad as I am 3 months down the line. I think it would be devastating at any age. Cancer is so cruel and unforgiving at times and while I wish I had another 40 years with Liam I am glad that he is no longer suffering. If he died in his 80s of the same disease I think it would still be just as heartbreaking. 

lou

x

Dream as if you will live forever. Live as if you will die today - James Dean
Dutsie
Posted by

Dear Geoff,

I was 45 when my husband died aged 64.

Whilst I would say our cancer journey was positive as we made the most. Im addition, my husband's attitude to his impending death made it somewhat easier to accept. However, real acceptance takes time.

Losing him was still losing him. This is what we have all in common, whatever age we are. I found sharing my feelings, being listened to here and reading other people's stories tremendously helpful.

This is the start of my second year without him and I was going to start going back to yoga etc. Unfortunately, I woke up Monday morning unable to walk due to tendonitis. Urgh, I thought how much more can I take as have been sick all day with migraine. Hence being up at this late hour!

Anyway, I mention this as I think I recall you mentioning tai chi before and was wondering if you started this again...

Look after yourself,

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Geoff999
Posted by

Dear all.

Thank you for your replies. I love you all. 

I'm up late as often I am these days. The time is 2- 45am. OK I admit to drinking more than perhaps I should do but honestly - do I care? Not really. It gives me some solace. And at least I sleep well. So many of you poor souls are suffering in your grief yet I cannot say anything to relieve you of your burden. My goodness I wish I could. For 17yrs I practiced an ancient Chinese form of standing meditation called Zhan Zhuang ( Stand like a tree.) And more recently, Tai Chi.. But since Anne's passing I no longer feel inspired so its all come to a standstill. I believe all of our lives come to a stand still one way or another after losing the love of our lives. 

Hi Ruby. I may get a rescure cat. But its just a thought at the moment. I'm still unsure as to my commitment.These days  my mind swings like a pendulum, shall I. Shouldn't I? 

Dear everyone. I'm cruising through life at the moment but very slowly I'm coming to terms that my sweety pie isn't comming back. Yet whilst we hold our dear one's in our heart they never truly leave us. 

Loveland Light 

Geoff.

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

MelanieL
Posted by

Hi Dutsie,

Oh I am sorry to hear this and hope you feel better soon and can return to your yoga. Sending a big hug! Mel.

I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds. 

MelanieL
Posted by

Oh Lou, this is such an early age to lose your loved one. I am so sorry for your loss. I am only 37 and was 35 when my husband - he was 68 - died from advanced prostate cancer. It is so difficult to imagine or think of a future without them isn't it?

Love to you, Mel.

I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds. 

Lou1986
Posted by

Hey Mel, 

sorry for the very late reply. I don’t come on here too often. Only when I want to hear from others who understand.... I’m having one of those moments tonight. 2.17am and I’m missing him like mad.

things have got easier, it’s been just over 4 months, I’m back at work after two months off and then BANG, pandemic comes into force making me stay home again. So 3 weeks after my personal self isolation can’t get off the couch I’m right back there. However, Most days I’m fine but then I get this overwhelming feeling most days that lasts about 5-10 minutes where I just cry my eyes out and then I’m fine again. 

this whole situation has even made me question my fear of death. I think if I had this horrible diagnosis that my husband faced I could do it with the hope that I would see him again. 

but until then I’m going on with life like I know he wanted me to, this page gives me comfort that I’m not alone and I’m also grateful that he never went through this during this scary time of COVID. 

hope you are well. 

lou 

x

Dream as if you will live forever. Live as if you will die today - James Dean
Lou1986
Posted by

Hi Geoff,

how are you doing now that a little time has passed? Is it any easier at all? My dad is still worse than me. Really struggling. I blame it on the fact he is retired whilst I still have to go to work and am forced into company which really helped me get through it. 

I’m trying to teach him that he still has so much to live for but it’s hard when all he wants is his little wife. Do you have family that support you and keep in touch? My dad now FaceTimes me every night and I think that helps him. This isolation has been really bad timing for us and I’m sure for most people in this group but the end is near, I know it! 

and we should all be thankful that our loved ones didn’t go through this during lockdown. Can you imagine not being able to visit them in hospital or have to cut down on a funeral guest list. I often wonder what my husband and step mum would have thought about this crazy time. They were a lot more laid back than me and my dad so would probably have laughed the whole thing off!!! I wish they were here to ask. 

anyway, I hope you are managing to sleep a little better now (it’s 2.31am and I’m still typing) although my sleep pattern has returned to normal now my dads hasn’t. I’m more worried about him than me really. I have to convince my dad he still has stuff to live for!!! 

im rambling now and up for work in 4.5 hours but I hope your feeling ok 

lou

x

Dream as if you will live forever. Live as if you will die today - James Dean
Geoff999
Posted by

Hi Lou 

What you write about your Dad pretty much applies to me a lot of the time and its nearly 10 months on. I to am retired so I have far too much time to think.,There is only so much I can do because of the lock down. I have good family support as well as two brilliant neighbours across the road. You are right when you say we should be grateful that our love one didn't go through this during lock down. Generally speaking I'm not happy anymore. I walk around with a huge empty  vacuum inside that was once filled with my Anne. Just filling in time till its my turn to leave this aweful world and be with my soul mate again. Take care Lou. 

Love and Light Geoff x

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

Lou1986
Posted by

Hi Geoff, 

 Its so terrible you feel that way. My dad feels the same. I literally had to say to him when he told me he didn’t want to live anymore that I couldn’t live without him and that was before my own husband died. I need my dad more than ever and I’m sure you have some fantastic people in your Own life that would miss you so much. 

a part of me feels like I lost my husband 2 months after he did and if I can keep going why can’t he? And then I wonder if maybe he loved her more or knew her for longer but then I feel like nobody loved anybody like I loved Liam so why do I feel guilty for not feeling as bad as my dad does!??? What’s that about?

anyway drunken rambling again. Just my thoughts for the day! Geoff, you sound like a lovely person and like my step mum I’m sure your doll didn’t want to leave you. Some things are just out of our control and too cruel to comprehend. I promised my dad life would get better over time, I’m not 100% sure I believe in my own advice because life will never be the same but I stay strong for him because I can’t live without my dad too. I hope you have that someone that loves you that much that they couldn’t live without you so you know the importance of staying here as long as possible for them. 

try to find another person to live for even if it’s a friend or neighbour. You probably don’t know it but you have a bigger impact on their lives than you realise. Imagine how they would feel if you were gone! X

Dream as if you will live forever. Live as if you will die today - James Dean
Geoff999
Posted by

Hi again Lou

What's called 'irrational guilt' is apparently common place during a part of the  bereavement process.  I've had some heart breaking moments. Flash backs to events over 40yrs ago! Just what's that all about?  Anne and I were married 50yrs so there are thousands of happy memories to draw from but no, the few troubled times when we were both young and fiery seem to want to dominate everything. But it is slowly subsiding. I suppose the energy powering these thoughts eventually wear out. I know both our kids ( well into their 40's now)  love me to bits yet  know I've lost the spark for  life;   however I keep on my happy face as best I can to stop them worrying. I know its weak of me to say this but without my beer to quell the inner hurt and loneliness I'm not sure what my actions would lead to.But at least I'm not drinking all day. A few cans in the afternoon. But in the evening - the worst time - the skies the limit and I just don't care. I really feel for you Lou. You have the bereavement hell from  losing Liam to work through  plus the worry of your dear Dad. I'm always here for a chat or listen to a rant should you ever feel the need. Take my friend. 

Love and Light

Geoff. X

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

MelanieL
Posted by

Hi and it was so good to read from you. What do you are saying about the five or 10 minutes during the day resonated a lot with me because I am getting those days as well wear, out of the blue, I have a big cry and then feel a lot better and lighter afterwards. Maybe that is some form of release... Yes, the situation with the virus hasn't made things any easier has it? Not having work or only very little to do And not being able to see friends is really difficult. But we will get through this. Love and hugs and!

I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds.