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My 42 year old husband died on 29th December and I’m beside myself with grief. All I have done all week is lie on the couch and watch tv. I can’t function without him. He was my right arm. I listen to his voicemails constantly to hear his voice and can’t stop looking at his pictures. How do I get through this? I’m putting everyone off visiting as I don’t want to talk or see anyone. My phone is constantly going off with concerned friends and family. I just can’t live with the reality of him not being here anymore. I told him everything and he was my whole world! I’m so lost right now.
Hi I'm so very sorry for your loss Lou.
It is very early days for you, laying on the sofa is very normal.
You do need to try eat and sleep even just a little. If you can please accept some company, they are worried about you and even if you don't want to talk let them visit.
On this site we are all on our own journey but we honestly understand your feelings.
Please post as often as you need to
You are in shock at the moment, it is the most difficult time. My husband died just over two years ago, so I'm here to tell you that you won't always feel as bad as you do now.
I'm very sorry to hear that you lost your husband at such a young age, not what any of us would expect.
Right now, it's not surprising that you feel as you do, I think all of us can identify with that feeling of being so lost, but in time you will begin to find a way forward. Could you explain to your friends and family that you don't feel up to talking much just now? They may understand better than you think. It might be easier for you to speak to one of them, explain and ask them to let others know for you.
However, I would say don't cut yourself all together, when once you've spoken honestly, you'll probably find they can help you with some practical things that might take some of the load off you.
Accepting the loss of a husband is very hard, and in my experience can only happen a little bit at a time. Don't expect too much of yourself just now.
I found it helped me writing things down that I had to do each day. In the beginning the list was probably something like, get up, have shower, eat something for breakfast.......etc.etc. It did help me though, just to make myself do it just so I could cross it off the list! Believe me, it did take effort.
I found this community very supportive and I hope you will too. You are free to be honest here and someone will always understand. We all cope in different ways, but no-one judges which way we all choose.
Hope you find strength for today, one day at a time is really the best way to deal with this.
Sending you a big hug x
Thats tragic to hear you’re going through this so young. I too locked myself away and didn’t answer the phone calls and texts, how could I? I couldn’t even understand what was going on in my own head let alone have the strength to explain to someone else. I will say my mum did come round everyday and didn’t try to talk to me but just pottered round the house but she was there if I felt the strength to talk. I unexpectedly found that a big help.
Have you been to see your GP? If you’re really overwhelmed they might be able to help you.
Wishing you lots of strength Lou, let us know how you get on
What happened to you is so very tragic and I'm really sorry. I also couldn't and didn't want to talk to anyone after it happened. I mostly communicated by texting. If you say you can't and not able to talk they would understand. Friends and family are concerned and it is overwhelming at times. You want the world to stop and it makes you so angry because it doesn't. That's how I felt. I wanted to be dead too and I thought I can't continue. Everything became so irrelevant. My Danny was everything to me too and I never experienced the pain like that before.
But somehow, almost 5 months later, I'm still here. It hurts and it will hurt for who knows how long but every day you will get a bit stronger. Mostly because being strong is the only choice we have. What pulled me through was not thinking about good times but thinking about what he would like me to do and what would make him proud. I pulled all my energy into organising the funeral that i thought he would approve, writing the Eulogy to let the world know how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. This is the only thing I was able to concentrate on in early days. I also kept reading his lovely messages, watching videos of him singing all over and over again.
Lou, of course you are lost and you're in shock. You're bearing unbearable. Try to be kind to yourself and maybe get yourself a task or two to do each day - whatever this might be - buy yourself flowers, treat yourself with a coffee, go to supermarket, make a meal, throw away rubbish, get some paperwork. A little small things that you can achieve, nothing major. I set myself a task of buying flowers. Until this day, I always have to have flowers at home, that's my rule. You make sure you rest and sleep, if you feel like watching TV all day, do it and don't feel guilty about it. Also visit your GP. I They are very understanding and helpful. I got 6 weeks off sick after Danny's funeral. Because of the trauma I went through I was offered more time off but I decided to go back. You do what you feel is right for you and try to take care of yourself.
There is this beautiful poem by Henry Scott Holland -"Death is nothing at all" and one of the verses says:
"Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we're still"
Love and big hug
so sorry for your loss
I have not wrote anything for a while on here but do pop in from time to time I look back reading my posted and it hits me the pain I was in and how messed my head was with this whole experience of my life being turned upside down
my Partner will be coming up to a year soon and like you and others I couldn’t eat or get of the couch I didn’t get washed I was utterly heartbroken I have never felt pain like it
this site gave me great strength because unfortunately we have all suffered
I remember last year and people writing to me it’s early days you will find some strength dig deep the pain I was in tbh I didn’t expect to be hear now I never thought I’d pull through it but like everyone was saying to me like they are to you now you will get through it just dig deep keep digging till you find that bit of once of strength it’s in there somewhere I promise
when I look back on my partners texts or voicemails or videos now I can watch read and listen but now I have this warmth in me and the other day realised I smiled watching a video of him a few mths ago I’d never have been able to do that
baby steps all the way now
remember like my partner said to me before he passed your living for both of you now
sending you a massive viral hug x
Oh Lou, I am so, so sorry for your loss and especially at such a young age. I sadly lost my darling husband and best friend in July 19 after a long battle with throat cancer. We had been together for 31 years and he was only 54 when he died.
I know that the pain is tremendous and it feels like it will never ease but it honestly will. Just take one day at a time and allow yourself time to reflect, look a photos, cry as much as you want but also please don’t push family and friends away, as they’ll be so worried about you and you’ll need them now more than ever. I noticed you posted in the early hours. I was exactly the same, I struggled to sleep, was anxious and woke with an anxious knotted stomach every night. I sighed constantly, lost my mobile about 10 time’s a day and felt like my right arm had been cut off. I concentrated on giving my husband a wonderful send off and then there was so much to sort out ie. pensions, bank stuff etc this kept me occupied for some months. The nights are definitely the toughest, and I still find that it’s hard to switch off! But please seek help from your GP, accept hugs and help from loved ones but above all else, please look after yourself-after all, this is what your beloved husband would want you to do.
Take care and please look after yourself.
love and hugs
Thank you everyone for the heartwarming replies. I just wish I was a year down the line already and life would be a bit more normal again. I lost my step mum at the end of Oct19 too and my dad is still a mess so we are trying to get through it together. I’m 33 years old, we never had kids (something I now regret), I’d give anything to still have a part of him here now. I just can’t believe how horrible 2019 was. Both of them affected by cancer and both of them now gone. I talk to my husband a lot now. I always wonder if he is still with me. I really hope so.
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