Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Just need to say something

Geoff999
Posted by

Today was my lowest ebb ever.

Yes. I went down the pub with two very good friends across the road and had a great time on New Years Day.  And even my daughter phoned whilst I was there and  was so pleased I was out the house enjoying myself. Then afterwards back to my neighbours  place for lunch. But later  I arrived back home and just out of the blue fell completely apart. I just wanted a cuddle from my darling Anne.  But she's been taken from me. How bloody cruel is the creater  - if any -  of this bloody aweful world where two soul mates are just ripped  apart leaving one to somehow cope on their own after 50yrs. of marriage.   I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy so what is IT that rules this evil place? 

 And I hate the soulless house I'm resident in. Resident Because it was once a HOME created by my darling wife where we successfully brought up two wonderful children. But now days its no longer a home. Just a place I reside in as a resident. Souless and without spirit. I take meds for clinical depression but they don't even touch the pain I'm now feeling. I've been close before. I know that feeling where you start to live in a comfortable warm  bubble that no one - not even family -   can penetrate. You  become a mindless robot feeling calm and relaxed at the thought its all going to end soon. A wonderful but dangerous place to be. One of my police friends hanged himself but miles away from me. I saw it coming months before but didn't believe it would actually happen. And a close associate of mine stripped her bed. Did all her washing then layed out her personal possessions in a meticulous line on the coffee table before wandering off. Tessa's remains we're  found six months later in remote part of a wood laying on a blanket clutching her bible. And I can fully understand the mind process governing both these good people. In rough terms. They were sick and tired of this shit called life. ( Sorry about the language.) I'm 74. I've had my life. And I don't even  know why I needed to say something about this? Its NOT a cry for help. Its not a sympathy post.And I certainly  dont need the Samaritans. I just needed to express myself. 

Love and Light 

Geoff

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

Newb
Posted by

Hi Geoff I think we all got there at sometime or another and Xmas has not helped very much it great we can express ourselves on here and not be judged be safe

Ian
Den1968
Posted by

Don’t know what to say Geoff, very worrying that post.

So sorry you’re feeling like that right now. What I’ve seen on here and by the fact you’ve got friends and family in constant contact with you, you’re a positive influence on people and they/we like having you around.

All I would say is don’t make any snap decisions, moods tend to come and go. I hope this new year will bring you more strength, take care buddy

Wildcat
Posted by

I'm so very sorry to hear that you're feeling so low.  This existence is just so *******, awful isn't it. Thinking of you.

Look to the moon.
My life ended with my soul mate on January 22nd 2018. Can't imagine any future
Trentlady
Posted by

So sorry for your pain . Life goes on but for you everything stopped. All l can say is maybe if you cant be happy or even content you can still be useful by allowing your children to keep their Dad for a little while longer, just until they get used to the world without their Mum. Set yourself a task of spending a few minutes out of suffering by reading 10 pages of a book you have been meaning to read. Give yourself a break from the sadness. Bless you.

Geoff999
Posted by

Thank you all for your kind responses. I know in hindsite I shouldn't have posted it but I've never experienced such grief and anger all in one go. It hit me like a brick in the face and I just  had to express myself in some wayThis morning its gone away but I'll have my guard up in future in order to deal with It better. 

Love and Light 

Geoff

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

Lavender1969
Posted by

Hi Geoff, 

I am glad, you are feeling better today.

Yes, your post did sound very worrying, but you did the right thing by posting it. You had to get it out of your chest and probably this is what eased your pain.

I had a melt down yesterday too. Had a cry. The emotions piled up in my throat and I thought I lose my sanity. I made myself to take a short walk. It was very hard. We used to go for walks together with my husband, but since I lost him, I can not make myself to go for a walk alone as it upsets me very much. 

Please put that thing in the bin as a precaution and if you feel like that again, just post. People on this forum would terribly miss you. 

Take care

Love

  • Andrea xxx
Dutsie
Posted by

Just wanted to say hello Geoff. So glad you posted this morning feeling better.

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Glostp
Posted by

Hi Geoff, glad your feeling a bit better today.

Think the changes are normal one minute your fine then as you say hit in the face with a brick.

My Christmas has not been too bad but I'm alone for a week now and the lonely emptiness is just something we must all try to deal with, I dont think there is an answer but we have no choice but to try our best.

Had a funny thing today had a heater we bought a couple of years ago, Amanda was always cold in the bathroom. I never got round to fitting it. Today, I thought I'll do something useful so put it up and got some bits to connect it. I thought I'd feel good but no, I feel so awful I didn't do it whilst she was alive. I'm finding this often, I'm trying to complete things she wanted, but it's making me feel worse that I didn't do them before.

Anyway glad your ok take care, and yes we would miss you!

Gary.

Missing Amanda a lot today. Yes had a good cry, but I dont mind any more as I just can't help it.

Softly the leaves of memories fall gently we gather and treasure them all.
winmick
Posted by

Hi Gary , was just reading your profile. I am so sorry for your loss, but know exactly how you feel. My wife of 43 years also died in July. I managed to get through Xmas and new year okish  but today has hit me hard for some reason. Everywhere I look reminds me of Winnie and it just seems to be getting on top of me . Iam back to the stage of thinking I have no future, there is nothing I want to do , and what is the bloody point of anything. Our wife’s, husbands, partners were our reasons for living.

i completely understand what Geoff means in his post. I now we have to keep going for the sake of our family/ children, but sometimes it just seems so hard. 

But for the sake of this forum , and a friend I email, I think I would go completely insane. 

Thinking of you all Mike. 

Love you always Winnie xx
SteBee
Posted by

Hi Geoff - so sorry that you’re left with this situation to deal with - I totally understand the need to be post things as you see them without expectation of a solution etc. I’m sending you my very best thoughts. I too am left living in a house that was a family home - everybody seems to expect you to stay and preserve it, but what’s less obvious to others is that to do so is emotionally sapping. I’d say keep close with your friends as you’re doing, try to find ways to clearly show / say how impacted you are (I can be way too subtle at times). Also, don’t underestimate the new year eve effect , it can be brutal

keep posting and a massive amount of respect to you (and all) for doing so

steve 

Geoff999
Posted by

Hi again everyone

The grief is still ongoing. I'm on the edge of crying at the drop of a hat. It seems to have suddenly got worse as I approach the 6 month mark of Anne passing. I've seen from past posts that this seems a common phenominour but I can only guess why. Maybe all the challenges of living alone have been overcome and now it's all become a form of 'normal'  But a false 'normal' because our loved ones are not here to share it. As someone else posted similarly a while ago ( Sorry my mind has closed down as  to who.) I feel like my Anne should now walk through the door  and say to me. "Well done love you've done so well.  Now the experiment is ended so we can get back to normal. What shall we have for dinner?"   

Love and Light 

Geoff

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

Lavender1969
Posted by

Hi Geoff, 

I feel same just like yourself. I still cannot come to terms, that this my life now. When I thought, I was doing a bit better, things got worse. I talk to my husband or his photo and getting no answer. I still expect him to come home, but he is not coming. The table in the kitchen is still set for two. 

I really feel that I am losing my mind as I don't know, how much longer I can survive like this. Some days I can do things arround the house, then the next day the motivation is completely gone. The feeling of being lonely and the silence in the house are horrible. 

Just don't know, what to do. 

Sorry Geoff. My rant is not helping you. 

Love xxx

  • Andrea xxx
winmick
Posted by

Andrea you have just wrote down exactly how I am feeling at the moment. 

The loneliness and silence gets worse by the day  

Mike.  

Love you always Winnie xx
Glostp
Posted by

Hi Geoff and all,

My lifes a roller coaster ups and downs all the time.

I'm approaching the 6 month mark, it's strange but I constantly count the months I guess we all do?

I've definitely come to terms that my beloved is not coming back, I still think of things and turn to tell her but realise she's not beside me, this happens fairly regularly. I've found driving particularly difficult as she was always beside me I still chat about the journey but knowing she's not there. Long journeys are silent and cold.

I cry a lot too Geoff, not quite at the drop of a hat but not a day goes by without a tear. This is my new life, I hate it, I never expected the loss so soon, and as for us all I was totally unprepared. I Dont have a clue where this is going, I soldier on day by day, I'm lucky that I can still be motivated to get up and do things although I spend time frivolously doing nothing or wasting time too.

Grief, something I didn't understand till the day I lost Amanda, I'm still confused, broken in many ways, a lifetime together and now that massive void with nothing to plan for just getting by day to day. It's a cruel world.

I still talk to the pictures, every day.

Gary

Softly the leaves of memories fall gently we gather and treasure them all.