Hi Needing friends,
I don't think you sounded ungrateful or irrational at all. Grief has its own intelligence and it almost allow us to grow in ways we never thought were possible.
Once upon a time when all was well and our loved ones were healthy if someone came and asked what made us happy, sad, or angry, we would've been very quick to come up with answers. Answers that would now seem so trivial, irrelevant and stupid. Because, we now know the real meaning of happiness, anger or sadness. We would be happy if they were here, we're sad because they've gone and we're angry because this horrible tragedy has happened to us. That's the only true, as simple as that. Except it is not that simple at all, it's devastating. It turns out life was a con, and we were robbed of all our plans, hope, love and future. We miss them and we miss the person we were while they were around. How do we make this transition from who we were then to who we are about to become? How do you just erase all your dreams, hopes, future, plans and start again? It's incredibly hard and as you rightly said, it is a journey, The journey that none of us wanted to take. But it is your journey and you make sure you continue to travel the way you feel its right for you.
Love, Dalia xx
Thank you Dalia, that's exactly right. I feel everything has changed which is why I've begun a big clear out. I look at all the stuff and wonder what the point of it is and so the charity shops have been bombarded. It makes me feel lighter for a while anyway. I just want to know what the next step is, surely I don't have to live in this limbo forever. I'm not brave enough to travel alone to far off countries or be a major fundraiser, I wish I was. I keep thinking that surely this momentous thing has happened for a reason which is a silly thought I know. I don't want to be a no one I want to mean something again I have lost my purpose and my role in life. I heard a saying that when you are surrounded by darkness light your own tiny candle and step out. I hope I acn do that, but it's hard when you are only half of what you were, you have lost your unwavering source of love and support.
Love Pam x
Hi Needing friends (Pam?),
You write: "I keep thinking that surely this momentous thing has happened for a reason which is a silly thought I know."
I honestly don't think that it is a silly thought. I too believe that everything that happens in life happens for a reason, particularly when the two people who were together for so long and who can no longer be together were very deeply connected and there was a real soul connection there. There must be a reason why we have to experience this separation now, even though we don't know or may not know the reason.
Then you write:
"I don't want to be a no one I want to mean something again I have lost my purpose and my role in life."
That is exactly how I often feel. I know I am not a noone and that I mean a lot to many people. But I certainly have lost my purpose and my role. I want to be that person again who can make a difference, a real difference, to one person's life or to many people. It is not enough to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend and a good therapist for the few patients I have. I suppose, again, this is why I so much want to work with cancer patients or as an end-of-life doula: to be able to really make a difference and to mean something, to feel a purpose and the importance of my role.
I meant the world to Paul. I was his carer in the last couple of months, but before that I was his wife, his lover, his best friend, his soulmate. And now I am none of these things - well, I still am but I can't share it with him.
HiMelaniel thank you for understanding and taking the time to reply. I also would like to make a difference. I hope you will keep in touch and let us know how you get on. I hope we can find our way xx
How are you feeling now? Are the sleeping tablets and antidepressants working?
I have to say: If I didn't have both, I don't know how I would cope. It's such a relief to have sleeping tablets because at least I know that I can rely on the sleep to come.
Do you feel the same?
Hi Mel. Yes I sleep better and feel less pain. In fact I feel pretty numb most of the time. I’m just plodding through each day trying to find things to keep me going. I finally got my hair cut and coloured and my nails done like I used to but it all feels pretty pointless at the moment. Still I keep going and at least I’m sleeping. hope you are okay.
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