Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Ken has finally found peace

Needing friends
Posted by

I have found myself on this site after Ken passed away at. 9.05 am Christmas eve. I initially posted on the pancreatic website after he was diagnosed in August 2018, then also joined the carers forum. Sadly, but comforting, I can see members here that I recognise from the carers forum. If I am honest, it hasn't really hit me yet. My children have been amazing and made sure I'm out every day whether I want to or not. The relief that he is no longer suffering, and selfishly that I don't have to watch him suffer is overwhelming and I have been able to laugh at reminiscences. I hope that the tears come soon, I am beginning to wonder if if my heart has turned to stone. I shed a few tears in the evening when I talk to him, and we an cover a lot more things than we could before. I tell him that he's my boy and I love him every night. He is and I do, so why aren't I a quivering wreck? 

Owl58
Posted by

Take your time. I found it harder as each day took him further away from me. I found myself remembering every little thing we did when we first met all those years ago. I thought at first I could cope but the pain gets harder. I think I believed it wasn’t real. That he would walk in the door any moment. I still think that sometimes but as I am realising that it’s probably not going to happen I cry more.  I may cry forever but hopefully not.  My advice is to rest and sleep as much as you can. 

Needing friends
Posted by

Thank you, your reply means a lot, it really doesn't seem real because he had several spells in hospital and I had become used to having to do so much more hy myself. I think you are right, things will get harder once all the fuss dies down and I am left alone x

Den1968
Posted by

There could be a multitude of reasons why you feel like you do, grief effects us all in different ways.

At the start I thought I was being strong and coping, because of the inevitability of my Wife’s illness I had built myself up mentally for the blow that was about to come. It hurt like hell still but I was quite proud of how strong I was.

Now, 3 months later, it’s the daily mental grind of losing Sharon that bears heavy, it’s almost like I want to shout ‘okay I’ve been strong and gone through all that, can I have her back now please’

As I say it may effect you differently and you may be fine, that’s just how I found it.

Take care

Dennis

Geoff999
Posted by

Dear Dennis 

I could have written your post word for word.

Anne and I too had prior warning of her time limit so when Anne passed I got stuck in and even changed the living room furniture around. In no time I was surviving well on my own. The shopping, washing, housework etc. But soon my strength began to wane and the grief and lonlyness of the truth of the situation gradually week by week wore me down. Now just over 5 months later the futilility of it all and the tears are stronger than ever. Yesterday I didnt stop crying through grief for the whole day and I prayed I could be taken in the night to be reunited with my sweet heart. But no such luck. So the daily grind goes on.

Love and Light

Geoff. 

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

Needing friends
Posted by

Thank you Dennis and Geoff for your replies, I feel that this is what's happening to me. At the moment I am still feeling the relief for him and coming down from the stress of his illness and caring. The real test comes when the funeral is over, the visits  and help stop. Then it will be different. You have made me feel more normal x

Geoff999
Posted by

Dear Needing friends 

Keep posting my friend. We are all here for you.

I've found I can express myself on OUR SITE, things I could never say to family and friends. It's our life line. 

Love and Light 

Geoff

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

MelanieL
Posted by

Hi NeedingFriends,

Take your time. You will be able to cry when the time is right. As John O'Donohue says, "All we can depend on now is that sorrow will remain faithful to itself." It's from his poem "For Grief" and I feel it describes so well the process of grieving and that, in fact, our grief does know how to process itself through us.

It was similar for me. I cried a lot in the first few days. Then I didn't cry at all for a good while and, like you, I so much wished the tears would come. But when they finally came, I could feel that they were now able to come because I was strong enough to experience the overwhelming pain of loss, the shock was kind of over and I was now just very very sad. Maybe it will be the same for you. Just trust that grief knows what it is doing.

Love, Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
Owl58
Posted by

I finally crashed on Sunday. Took some left over sleeping tablets from my husbands cancer stash and had an adverse reaction. Short story rushed to hospital in ambulance lots of great care and medication and discharged 6 hours later. Such a silly old woman although I am 58. Have now been given proper antidepressants and sleeping tablets and feeling a bit better. My family checking up on me every 5 minutes which I feel guilty about. My New Years resolution is I am not going to try to be strong. It will be what it will be. But god how I miss him. 

Dutsie
Posted by

oh sorry to hear this owl58. I ended up in a & e last year for a different reason. 

Don't be too hard on yourself, I think I have done many a silly things. Bereavement takes it toll and sometimes you just don't think straight.

I took left over cancer drugs back to the chemist fairly early on at the advice of doctors. May I suggest you do the same with anything you still may have left over.

I personally have never been to the doctors as much as I have over the last year. Glad you now have the right medication that works for you.

I have taken help wherever I can - counselling at the hospice and regular visits to the doctors for one thing or another. My sleep, healthy choices and immune system  has taken a thorough beating over the last year and a bit.

On the other hand, yoga has helped ease matters.

Take care of yourself,

With lots of love and a big hug,

Dutsie x

Lancashirelass1
Posted by

Hi. Needing friends 

I totally agrees with your post. My husband was in and out of hospital for 6 weeks before he passed on 19/1/19.

I had to silly domestic things on my own that he used to do, take the bins out, take the dog out last thing at night, learn how to check the washer fluid in the car. Actually this helped when I had to do it on my own

Things didn’t get harder for me as I experienced anticipatory grief whilst he was ill . I was a total mess , without knowing why, I wish I understood I had this before he died , perhaps I would have been more help to him , instead of a nervous wreck

Hope this post is of some help to you

Needing friends
Posted by

Thankyou all for your replies. It's getting more real, I forget momentarily that he's not there to tell some news to, but I tell him anyway. I have been looking at all his belongings and sorted things to keep and which I won't. I have found opening cupboards and wardrobes and seeing everything gut wrenching. I feel angry when people phone me full of sympathy pretending they know Ken and know how I feel. They didn't know Ken really and I don't even know how I feel, but one thing I do know is that I don't want their pity. I've had to battle my way through life and this is not going to change I will die before I give them satisfaction of seeing me crumble. I'm not pretending others haven't had it worse, I know they have, but I don't want people who have had charmed lives pretending they understand with offers of weekends away thinking that is going to do anything than street me further. I need to be home, alone with Ken.. Sorry for the rant which probably sounds ungrateful, and just to make it clear non of this is aimed at anyone on this site, you are all amazing x

Dutsie
Posted by

Dear Needing friends,

Grief is not linear and am sorry to hear of your range of emotions which we all understand. Take your time and be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do and stop if it does not feel right. A year on I still have some of my husbands clothes at home.

I too found it difficult to cry at times and then cried, at a drop of a hat. Sometimes even watching an emotional movie would help! 

I also got annoyed when some people contacted me and worse still, when some people did not! It's okay to want be alone. I spent a lot of time alone in the early days as needed time to deal with it myself. I made a point of seeing my GP for a health check one month after or so,  only because I read somewhere it was a good idea to do so.  

It is okay to rant here as much you like, as said before, we all understand. 

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Dalia
Posted by

I completely agree with Dutsie. I find it somehow easier coping during the day but nights are the worse for me. I'm almost two different people - seemingly strong and rational during the day and a complete mess during the night. The grief is definitely not a linear process and there is no a timeline. My nights are not getting any better as time goes on and I'm approaching the 5th month now.

Just today I have paid Danny's mobile bill, I just can't push myself to call his mobile provider to tell them he died. Every month I tell myself this is the last one. His toothbrush is still next to mine, his bathrobe is there and the most of his stuff are in his wardrobe. I'm not ready to clear this yet and I'm not in a hurry to do so. I'll do it when I feel I'm ready. I have distributed some of Danny's things to his closest friends and that made me feel good. 

I have also experienced strange pains, headaches  and couldn't shift the cold for ages. The immune system just went down, and it is all due to grief, I'm sure. I'm now taking magnesium and manuka honey and will see whether it would make any difference. 

For me personally it is far worse when people ignore and don't acknowledge the magnitude of a tragedy that happened to us. Maybe what we consider as a pitty is just a genuine concern and empathy. Sometimes I feel so wrapped up in my own pain, anger, sadness and grief that I'm simply unable  to distinguish between those who sincerely care and those who pretend to care. In situations  like this some good new friendships develop and some relations breaks down. I personally forged new friendships with people I wasn't particularly closed to before Danny died. I thought this friendship will last until the funeral is done, and the only reason they were nice was because they felt sorry for me. But to this day they still call and we still see each other regularly. They proved me wrong.

I sometimes think it is a whole new world that we're facing now and each of us deal with things differently. There is no right or wrong way. Only a hope that one day we'll be able to manage just OK.

Dalia xx

I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.


Needing friends
Posted by

Thank you for taking the time to reply and understanding. I know I sounded ungrateful and irrational, and that in all probability people are probably genuinely trying to help. I really can't explain the rant other than it's my journey and there isn't much that people can do to help. It just seems so much easier to post on here than to speak to friends and family. Here the words don't stick in my throat x