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Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Dating again (online)

Owl58
Posted by

Life is about choices. You can anchor yourself to the person you have loved and lost and spend your remaining days wishing for something that has gone and is not coming back. And boy do I wish he would come back to me. Or you can go forward and if you are lucky you can meet a new him. Don’t waste the wonderful feelings your love gave you. If I could find anyone half as good as him I would consider myself lucky. If I could find someone to put their arms around me at 3 o’clock in the morning and tell me they loved me as he used to then I know I am blessed. I would also like to find someone who could fix the washing machine and the dripping taps in the bathroom. Do what is right for you xxx 

Nothernlass
Posted by

Hi Wildcat,

I'm interested to read different thoughts on this topic and I do agree with you that it's an individual decision, I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with wanting another relationship.

However, I can't see myself wanting to meet someone else. It's just over two years since my husband died but I think it would seem really strange to be with another man. I still feel sort of attached to him, not in a morbid way, just still part of a couple sort of thing. Don't know if that makes sense?

 My mum was widowed at the same age as me, 60, and I did say to her, a few years later, that I wouldn't mind if she met someone, but she said she didn't think she wanted to have to get used to a new person's ways etc. I think I feel the same.

I'm fortunate in that I do get to chat to men as I belong to a large church and am also part of a small home group. I enjoy being in mixed company, so that works well for me. A lot of the people did know my husband too, so that's also nice for me.

Interesting to hear other people's thoughts though and I do hope those who would like a new relationship find just the right person at just the right time.

Nothernlass
Posted by

Don't know how those emojis appeared! Can't seem to delete them!

Nothernlass
Posted by

I'm with you on the washing machine and dripping taps bit!!!! Oh and a bit of help in the garden! I'm hanging out for Monty Don!!!!

Owl58
Posted by

Now there’s a man I would run off with. My husband knew it was a close thing between him and monty. I think he might have run off with monty himself. Miss him so much but you made me laugh xxxxx 

Sarah2nd
Posted by

Hi Alison & all

I think that actually this is a really important discussion to be able to kick around & discuss freely within this group.  We are all at different stages, have different experiences & are different ages & yet we’ve all suffered the terrible permanent loss of those we loved the most in the world. And they can’t & won’t be coming back.

I would never judge anyone who felt ready to date again or who felt they could never date either.  Honestly, I think it’s such a individual decision. I’m still in my mid 40s & genuinely thought I would grow old with my hubby, it’s what I wanted & what I hoped for. But plan A is no longer on the table. 


I cannot imagine being with someone else the same way I was with my husband & yet I can’t imagine being alone for the rest of my life either. If I’m honest, I know that if I was even to entertain the idea of meeting someone (& I’m not remotely ready yet) I need to first accept that it wouldn’t be the same, that with someone else any potential relationship would be unique in its own way. I’m not ready. 
But so much of what you have said is true, it takes great courage to go out there & meet someone again & yet it could lead to something very lovely. 
If it feels right, do it, I wish you all the luck in the world 

Sarah xx

Dutsie
Posted by

Thinking of you Jojo,

I was was in the headspace you describe until 16 December, reliving this time last year. Not a nice place to be.

I wish I had words of comfort. Sending you a big virtual hug and lots of love......take care of your self.

Dutsie Xx 

jojowest
Posted by

Hi Wildcat

I so agree with you. We never had that conversation either why would you? 

I will never find anybody as kind & caring so why should I try ? When you meet the person who is everything rolled into one . Mum Dad sister brother friend & lover he was & is still my world. He understood every part of me I can't imagine anybody else ever matching him .

I know life goes on but maybe I am jus not ready 

jojo

jojowest
Posted by

Thank you Dutsie . Will it get easier ? My husband went to the Hospice on the 28th December he wil not leave me until 11th January why oh why Am I torturing myself in remembering everyday every minute ? 

Thank you for reading this 

jojo x

Dutsie
Posted by

Hi Jojo,

I think it is only natural to struggle up to the first anniversary. So many people who have gone through it and advisers say it does get easier...

I think I sort of agree with this but only time will tell. However, I do think that the loss is always there and you learn to accept it. Seeing Richard grieve for his previous partner and him finding a different kind of happiness with me gives me hope. He is the reason I am what I am now.

Whilst I totally admit to under estimating the grieving process. I know that I can not change the past (although it did not stop me re-living this time last year!) and dealing with Richard's illness, in the manner we did, I stopped fretting over the future.

Writing poetry helped me express my feelings. I posted my acknowledging grief poem and I meant every word of it. Yes I grieve, but I hope for a future when love resides in my heart again (whether with someone new or in a creative perspective)... a much better place to be!

Making the most of right now serves us better in the long run. There is always something to be grateful for. So whilst I felt I was not entirely ready, I accepted the date eventually. It was not easy, in fact I would say that I probably acted like a "nut nut" not knowing what I wanted from one moment to the next.  Maybe in time I will meet someone new, probably when I have found myself again. Losing a partner is losing a big part of your identity and that is hard to overcome but not impossible. You just have to be open to a different kind of happiness.

That's just the way I see it and hope it helps. It certainly helps me to share with you all.

Many thanks,

Dutsie Xx

Needing friends
Posted by

Hi there. My husband died aged 42 of a heart attack in 2000.i then spent 17 years with my late partner who passed away Christmas eve. He told me soon after his pancreatic cancer diagnosis that he wanted me to live my life, to laugh and to get straight back out there. He said not to worry about anything people thought or said. He said life is too short to waste grieving and being alone. He strongly felt we all need someone there with us. He often reminded me of this and told my friends and family what he wanted for me. I do hope that one day I will be able to have that mental and physical support and love again. I know it will be different,, it may never happen,, goodness knows who would want me! Just saying, from experience, it can happen if you want it to, and it can enrich your life if you would like it to

Love is eternal
Nothernlass
Posted by

Glad to have given you a laugh, we all need one!

hms1956
Posted by

I met my husband 10 years ago through an online dating site. Both of us having lost a partner and wanting someone for company, to have meals with, cinema etc nothing romantic but fell head over heals in love. His first wife told him to find someone else when she was dying of cancer. He tried too hard to find someone ‘as he’d been told’ and made a bad decision while still grieving. It was 13 years before we found each other. Funnily enough he didn’t tell me to find someone else after his death. Maybe he knew how I would feel. 
I’m so glad I made the decision to go online as I’ve just had the best 10 years of my life but at 63 I don’t think I want to start again. Not sure that’s any help. You will know in your heart if it’s right for you. 
take care

H

occupation2heal
Posted by

Thank you for sharing your experience H, and thank you everyone else who has contributed to this discussion. It’s been so helpful to hear everyone’s views and experiences. You are all wonderful wise warm online friends. 
It’s New Year’s Eve tonight - I’m with my 83 year old mother ( also widowed  - my dad died 14 years ago). I hope all of you are with family or friends or will be ok if alone. It’s a new year and a new decade. Let’s hope for good things for ourselves, our loved ones, people everywhere and for  the planet xx 

Alison 
Trying to be like the tree that bends with the wind and rain and thus weathers the storm
occupation2heal
Posted by

Only just seen your giraffe limerick Dutsie! Thank you for making me smile x 

Alison 
Trying to be like the tree that bends with the wind and rain and thus weathers the storm