Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

You can be happy again

touchtothehair
Posted by

Hello everyone. 

I’ve read a few of the posts on here, and it takes me back to a time when I never believed I could be happy or carefree again. My husband passed away in October 2015. Incredibly, 4 years have passed but I’ll never forget the man I married and shared many years with. Those memories are safely tucked up in a memory box in my heart, tied with a beautiful red ribbon. I wouldn’t dream of giving advice to anyone who has lost a spouse or partner - I can only tell you what worked for me. Firstly, I looked after myself. Was kind to myself and cherished everything and everybody who was precious and important to me - family and friends alike. I didn’t talk constantly about my husband, but did so when I wanted to - in other words, I didn’t hold back but allowed the words to come out naturally. I spent a good while in the early months doing exactly what I felt like, which for me was listening to lots of music, walking, watching the whole 6 series of Downton Abbey and resting a lot. Slowly but surely, I realised I wanted to go out - visit places, look round shops and gradually, I found myself again. My new found confidence and I think, my natural zest for life led me eventually to my meeting a wonderful man 18 months ago. Now here’s the thing - if anyone had told me this would happen to me, I would never have believed them. My husband was the love of my life, and I wanted no other. But I now have a new love, and I am happier than I thought possible. And it takes nothing away from what I had with my husband. I think, well certainly for me, that when we have loved,  that capacity is still there if the right person comes along. I suppose the purpose of this post is to show that life can continue to be good and happy, and that if there’s a chance of this coming along, it should be grabbed with both hands. 

June

Rolf
Posted by

Good for you. Not for me. 

Rolf
Posted by

In fact I'm dick of this forum. I have no intension of moving on. There is only one love in my life. I hate hearing about moving on. It sickens me. 

MelanieL
Posted by

Hello touchtothehair,

Thank you so much for sharing. If I had read your post one year ago, I would have thought: Very well for her, but I don't think I will feel different any time soon. But now, 18 months into this journey, I can say wholeheartedly: Yes,I am able to feel different.

When my husband - love of my life, soulmate, best friend - died, my whole world fell apart. Honestly, there were days when I didn't want to live anymore. I needed this forum so much in these early days. Sometimes it felt like I simply existed and was waiting for... I don't know what. There was such an overwhelming feeling of "What's the point?". You used the word "cest for life" in your post, and I think it was this cest for life that I, too, have always had that eventually helped me to say, "Okay, my husband is gone and that is very very sad. ButI am still here. And I simply don't want to spend the rest of my life in misery. So I have to do something." And the first thing I did was to write: write him letters, write diaries, write journals... Then I rekindled old friendships because I felt what I needed the most was spending time with other people, not necessarily bereaved people but just lovely people in general. Then I went to visit my brother in Malysia where he was working at the time. No, it wasn't easy to get on the plane, but, hey, I had nobody else to do it with me, so I had to do it on my own, right? I had amazing two weeks during which, for the first time, I realised: Yes, there is happy again, a different kind of happy, but happiness all the same. After that trip to Malaysia, everything became a little easier. I continued meeting my friends, I continued my work, but now I also started cherishing the memories of Paul and myself more than feeling the pain of loss. I joined Meetup to meet new people in groups I felt like joining. I went to my family to Germany for Christmas. And 2019? I don't know where it has gone. And I feel it was a good year.

I am sad Paul is no longer here. I miss him. But I have to move forward - not to move on which would be for me like leaving him behind but moving forward in the sense that I have my own life to lead - and I am doing so knowing that Paul would want me to. The last thing Paul would want for me is to sit at home all the time and feel that there is no point in living because he is no longer here.

I hope that everyone on this forum will have better days soon. You won't lose your loved one in your heart, you won't forget them when you do.

Love, Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
touchtothehair
Posted by

Good morning Rolf. I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t consider I have ‘moved on’ as I will always have my late husband in my heart and my mind. I have however moved forward, as I felt able to do this and the time was right. I have still got a lot of living to do, and a lot to offer. My late husband loved me so much, he wanted me to be happy again. I didn’t believe this 4 years ago, but I now realise that he was right. Take care of yourself and best wishes to you.

June

touchtothehair
Posted by

Good morning Melanie, I hope you are well. Just want to echo everything you have said. Take care and best wishes to you.

June

Rolf
Posted by

June I wish you well and a future. I'm sorry my text was a bit aggressive. You go for it. A future is what you deserve. What we all deserve. I just can't see it from the position I am standing at the momment. I an in a valley dark and deep. I envy you in so many ways xxxxxxxxx 

touchtothehair
Posted by

Rolf - please, no need to apologise whatsoever. When I first joined this forum late 2015, I read a few posts from people who had been widowed a few years and had met somebody. My reaction was exactly the same as yours, and I couldn’t understand it at all. But perversely, I too envied them because I thought at that time it was not something for me. Take care of yourself and thank you for your kind message.

June

eltell12
Posted by

Hello June, What a wonderful post you have written. I lost my wife Jean in the November of 2015 and like you I have moved forward. Very much like you I never thought I would meet anyone new. 52 years of being married I thought that was it, my life was over, but like you I have found a new love and have regained happiness. I wrote last year that I view life like a book or a series of books. The first book is completed, full of memories and events, both happy and sad. Of my life with Jean. It is not hidden away though but on the shelf alongside Jeans photo. To be looked at with love and joy, to be talked about. Following Jeans passing a new book was started, It is being written day by day as I move forward with a new love. There is no guilt and it takes nothing away from what I had with Jean. Yes, life can continue to be good and happy and we should like you say "grab it with both hands". Our loved ones will not wish us to be sad and unhappy but will look down on us with joy and happiness knowing that we are moving forward with them still in our hearts.  

God bless all, Big hugs. Terry 

Terry

 

eltell12
Posted by

Hi Rolf,

Reading your posts I understand your feelings. You are in grief and what you are feeling is very much normal when suffering grief. You have lost a loved one and are in a bad place at the moment. Grief is a very personal thing and we all grieve in different ways, sometimes for a long time, and grief can be very hard to cope with. It is very hard to overcome the loss of a loved one on your own, take any help offered and do keep writing on here. We are here to help and support you so do keep in touch. We all miss the hugs and kisses, the physical body, but Rolf please remember that our loved ones live on. In our heart and minds, so they have not gone, they are with us always. 

Terry