Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Almost 6 months and the grief is worse

puddle fish
Posted by

Dear All, 

it could be the time of year or realisation that I will never see him again. But the grief is worse, Jerry worked outside so once the clocks went back he started later so we used to leave for work at the same time and he would be home when I got in. Reading others post it seems fairly common for the grief to come in waves sometimes better sometimes not. As for Christmas I fully understand those that just want to be alone, I have two adult sons at home our youngest 25 wants a huge real Christmas tree he wants to chose it a bit like Jerry used to. I guess it’s his way of grieving too. We talk about Jerry but not much about our feeling as I just dissolve in tears, and that upsets them. Xx

I’m going out with friends today as I’ve been ill and not been able to drive so I took the offer up of a day out I must admit adult company my own age will be nice although I will have to slap a lot of maleup on it so obvious I’ve been crying. 

Geoff999
Posted by

Dear Puddle fish 

I have no words of comfort. In reality there are no words of comfort. How can there be when we all have lost the love of our lives. The dear ones we lived our lives through - and for. Thankfully this site allows us to be in touch with all the other poor souls that continue to exist like us  in a  living hell. I've just come back from visiting  two very good neighbours who are now my close friends. We had Sunday lunch where the beer and the wine flowed along with loads of laughs. Yet as I walked through the front door of the house I collapsed in a heap of deep seated grief. I lost my sweet Anne on the 12th July this year. 

Love and Light 

Geoff 

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

Newb
Posted by

Just as you Geoff I have become very good at putting in a front of happiness but get home and I to have a great grief come over me 

Ian
occupation2heal
Posted by

I’m feeling the worst today I think since Mike died 10 weeks ago. I was away with a friend during last week and had a genuinely lovely time. We talked a lot about Mike and I felt ok. Now home, by myself for the weekend, I’m unable to stop crying. I think being around other people helps though I’m aware I need to learn to live alone and be ok with that. I suppose maybe a balance of time alone and time with others will be best for me. I also feel anxious today at the thought of years and years ( the rest of my life basically) without the man with whom I spent 34 years. My family, friends and colleagues think I am ‘brave’ and ‘doing well’ but I don’t feel it today. I feel utterly utterly sad and lost. I’m sorry if this brings anyone else down but I do feel that in here we can express how we really feel.

Alison 
Trying to be like the tree that bends with the wind and rain and thus weathers the storm
Geoff999
Posted by

Dear Alison 

You don't bring anyone down - well certainly not me anyway. You speak the truth of your experience as we all do. And nobody should wish otherwise. Why should any of us  pretend we are well and doing fine when the truth is fate and life has broken us as human beings. I know a few bounce back like one of my neighbours who lost his wife two years ago yet within  3 weeks of her passing went to the USA for a 6 week holiday followed by another holiday a month later. He recently took his wedding ring off saying as he is no longer married why wear it.  Yet he says he loved his wife. I just don't get it but hey! such people do exist. However for me, I'm still married to my Anne and will be so u ntill its my turn to pass over. Stay safe Alison.

Lovevand Light 

Geoff.

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

Cokey
Posted by

I lost the love of my life in July we were together nearly 36 years and each day is just another day without seeing him.I look at the door and expect him to see him come home its soul destroying and I am no better today than yesterday,I can honestly say I really resent being here but I know its grief and I should carry on,I have no children,before he died he asked me to get a puppy, he knew I wouldn,t be able to carry on ,I told him so, so I did as he asked and he is my joy.I wake up each morning to this loving pup who melts my heart after I let him into it.I get out with him and meet people on our walks but it sometimes isn,t enough to stop this pain of knowing,this is it ,now what?We were never apart and never needed anyone else we had a amazing happy life so I have no.one to go out with,so you embrace your friends and I totally get how people feel,I am feeling it, you are not alone.

Lavender1969
Posted by

Hi Cokey, 

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in July too and same as you, we didn't have children either. I am left on my own with no one arround me. The loneliness is horrible. I don't know, how I survive. I cannot adopt a pet as I work full time and I feel, it would be unfair on that little pet. Got very few friends, but hardly see them as they are all busy and have their own lives. When the weekends come, I feel much worse. On Saturday I had a cry. I opened my husbands wardrobe and buried my face into his clothes. I often find myself walking from one room to another and I am asking myself, what I am doing. I don't know, how much longer I can carry on like this. Having no one to lean onto is unbearable.

I hope, there is a better day for us all. 

Take care

Andrea 

  • Andrea
limbo
Posted by

Hi, I came on today because I was feeling poorly. Still can't wrap my head around m husband's death and his not ever coming back. On reading your posts, I realized that whether it's 6 months or 11 months, it's basically the same. I really thought it was getting better but maybe it's because my weeks have been so busy lately that I haven't had time to think but the weekends are the same as before - everything comes rushing back. Just feeling so distraught. Where do our loved ones go? Why must it be so cruel, not knowing if they're okay and not being able, not once, to communicate with them. How do we live with that? Does time really erase all the questions and do we just resign ourselves to something we cannot change?

I've been thinking of whether or not I should have flowers sent to the grave for the 1st anniversary in December as I'm far away. Then I think, what's the use, who or what exactly are the flowers for; who's going to see them? Part of it is convention and making myself feel as though I'm doing something. Wouldn't it be better for me to bring the flowers home and do my own little ceremony? I can't even make that decision.

Lost, lost, lost.

occupation2heal
Posted by

Hello from a grey and rainy UK ( bad weather makes me feel even worse). I’m sorry you’re feeling low again. I wonder if you ARE getting better but that we should expect relapse every so often? I was feeling so terrible last night I did something I never expected to do and phoned a friend who had said I could call her literally any time so I decided to give it a go. She picked up almost immediately and was really helpful ( she used to be a palliative care nurse). She said the time between the awful grief attacks will lengthen. I do hope so. 
Re your flowers dilemma, I hope you won’t mind me making a suggestion which is to do both. I often walk to the churchyard near where I live ( when I want to give my dog a short walk - like today when it’s raining). I look at the graves and it’s always good to see ones which are looked after and have flowers on them. So even if you don’t see them on your husband’s grave maybe others will and know that he is loved and remembered (especially on the anniversary of his death). And then you can fill your house with his or your favourite flowers and remember him yourself, at home, on the anniversary too. 
Wishing you and everyone on here strength and love.

Alison 

Alison 
Trying to be like the tree that bends with the wind and rain and thus weathers the storm
Geoff999
Posted by

Hi everyone.

I now have my own understand of the Catholic term 'Purgatory'   -  at least my interpretation of the term.  My heart, my soul, my very being desperately wants to be with my sweet Anne in the Spirit world but my body insists I stay here in the physical world because its not ready to die yet. And so I'M forced to exist in  'No man's land.'  Stuck between heaven and hell.

I think its going to be another bad day for me. 

Light and Love 

Geoff.

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

occupation2heal
Posted by

I’m sorry you’re having another bad day Geoff. Try and take care of yourself

Alison 
Trying to be like the tree that bends with the wind and rain and thus weathers the storm
limbo
Posted by

Thank you, Alison. Sometimes the answers are so  obvious that we can't see them. I will do as you suggest.

Who better than a palliative care nurse to speak to in a time like this? She has seen so much and probably helped so many families that she will be one of the best people to provide support. Calling her was a good move. Sometimes we hold back, not wanting to disturb others and burden them with our problems.

Geoff, I hope you're feeling better. It's an extra-bumpy roller-coaster ride, isn't it?

Newb
Posted by

Been ok all morning at work just had lunch back to work the first thing entered my head was my wife in bed saying she was so scared why that I'm now hiding up in meltdown I was ok till then  I wish this would end 

Ian
MarthaGM
Posted by

After 14 months, I still have days that I simply can't find the strength or motivation to do anything. As I type this, the music streaming service is playing Erik Satie's "Gymnopedié 1" which was the piece my stepdaughter played at my husband's memorial service. It fills me with both peace and sadness. There are days I swear I see him in my peripheral vision, times I feel him so near. But he's not there. I speak to his photograph every night and greet him every morning. How will I ever feel whole again? Will I ever feel whole again? He was the greatest love of my life, my best friend, my soul mate. He was my everything. And while I have my daughter, my stepdaughter, stepson, my in-laws, my precious granddaughters, I still feel so very alone at times. They are all far away. I just want Chris back. Why can't that happen? Why can't I wish and pray hard enough and have him back. I don't feel like a real person anymore...

"i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) ..."
Life must end, but love is eternal.