Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Feeling lost.

Val66
Posted by

Evening everyone,It’s been quite a while since I posted anything, Been having good and bad days,by good I mean I managed to get through it without many tears,It’s coming up to fifteen months since I lost Alan,yet I still can’t come to terms with it,I miss him so much,Today has been a really hard day just can’t stop crying,I don’t know why today is any harder it just is.The loneliness and the quiet in the house is terrible, hate these long dark nights,My panic attacks are stopping me going out unless someone is with me which is difficult because the family work during the week,hate having to rely on people.Even getting my shopping online now,Don’t know how many times I have typed something then deleted it because it sounds as if Im just ranting on and on,sorry for that as I know everyone is struggling with their own sadness and loss,so I will finish now,take my tablets and try and get some sleep,and hope tomorrow is a bit better day.regards Val.x

Val47
occupation2heal
Posted by

Morning Val, hope you managed some sleep. I’m awake early, missing my husband. We’d be having tea in bed now, we took turns to make it almost our entire married life (34 years). Except for days when I was working, then Mike would make it, setting his alarm for early enough that I’d be able to have 10 mins in bed with my tea and him. It’s the little things. I hope you have happy memories of Alan to  sustain you - ‘memory is a window through which I can see you whenever I want to’. 
I hope your Sunday is OK. Look after yourself. 

Alison 
Trying to be like the tree that bends with the wind and rain and thus weathers the storm
Celldaddy
Posted by

Hi Val 

You're not alone duck. It's 10 months for me now and I still feel the same as you. It isn't getting any easier and the empty loneliness seems to be worse. The silence is worse, the total lack of any purpose in life is worse. I feel like an empty shell, cast adrift in the ocean. I'm still looking no further forward, than getting through the next day. Don't want to out and don't want to stop in. I'd love to say something positive but the reality is, nothing is getting easier.

Take a crumb of comfort from knowing you're not alone in feeling as you do. I too can't come to terms with it as hard as I try to. The feeling of being utterly lost is greater than ever. It truly is. 

Two word's I now hate are life and living. I hope some day, to feel differently. For now I continue to struggle with my grief and get through today. Existing not living. 

Take care the best way you can all. 
Mark (celldaddy) 
limbo
Posted by

The pain lessens but that's about it. I can't tell anybody that I don't really care to live; they can't bear to hear it.

Geoff999
Posted by

Dear Limbo 

I too find it hard to tell anybody I don't really care to live. The nearest I ever get to  is to say -  as just one example.  ' I had a panic attack the other day with my heart racing wildly. I hoped I was having a fatal heart attack but no such luck.' All with a slight smile as if to imply I was joking: but of course I  wasn't!  However,  I have told both our children ( aged 48 and 46.) that should I be ever diagnosed with cancer I'll decline any medical intervention and just let nature take its course. All I'll request is palliative care and pain relief. At age 74 I'm on ' the banana slide anyway' so why make any attempt to live forever. Plus an aging body can't possibly be as strong to fight for a cure, unlike a younger person. Finally my friend, just like so many of us I exist from day to day but ceased to truly live from the time I lost my sweet Anne. Loving wife for 50yrs.

Love and Light 

Geoff.

At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.

Celldaddy
Posted by

Hi Geoff 

I'm only 54, but I feel exactly as you do Geoff. Existing day to day, is all can see going forward. Hope one day I might feel differently but I doubt it.

At least on here we can be totally honest and without fear of judgement. 

Take care the best way you can all. 
Mark (celldaddy) 
Val66
Posted by

Thank you for your reply,your words say it exactly,A empty shell seems about right just how I feel,.just getting through one day at a time,and these dark nights don’t help at all,and with this terrible weather it seems dark the best part of the day,I used to love this time of year,curtains drawn,the glow of the fire so cosy.Now it’s just long and lonely.tv is on but don’t really watch it as can’t seem to concentrate,just can’t see it getting any easier,and I agree it’s existing not living.Take care.....

Val47
Celldaddy
Posted by

Hi Val 

I've just arrived at work, for my night shift. During the five minute drive here, it took all my strength not to break down in the car. 

We're all bearing the unbearable, my duck. With no end in sight. 

Take care the best way you can all. 
Mark (celldaddy) 
Newb
Posted by

Hi Mark I find that to going to work and back I have a lot of trouble not breaking down if don't seem to get any easier does it 

Ian
Celldaddy
Posted by

Hi Ian 

I've got home at 6.10am, this morning. Had a bath and I'm now sat in the living room in darkness looking at my phone. Waiting for the bathroom to dry out, before going to bed and not sleeping again.

I think to myself every day, is this it. Work home work. Nothing can fill the empty void inside us. Val, bless her speaks for us all.

I put the oven on yesterday, first time in months. I put 2 chicken burgers in and even that had me in tears. I'm a big strong man on the outside but inside I'm an empty shell, utterly lost and without a purpose in life anymore.

We all wish for the day when it will get easier. But none of us believe it. That's the brutal truth. 

Take care the best way you can all. 
Mark (celldaddy) 
Celldaddy
Posted by

Hi Ian 

I've been and sat with my father in law, from 4pm till 6pm. It's been tough for him losing his daughter, after losing his wife 5 years ago. I sit with him several times a week, either before or after work depending which shift I'm on. He's 80 now and it's a bit of mutual company for both of us. He said today he frequently turns the TV off at night before bed and suddenly it hits him again that he's on his own. He says you never get used to being alone, you just accept it. 

Trying to accept our loss, is proving extremely difficult and I know life must go on but inside I don't want this life to go on.

I'm sure we all feel the same way. 

Take care the best way you can all. 
Mark (celldaddy) 
Lavender1969
Posted by

Hi All, 

I agree with you. I also feel like an empty shell, which goes to work every morning and comes back in the dark to an empty house. The breakdown is always on the edge. Little things set me off. Went to get some milk to the shop and passing the real Christmas trees in the garden centre made me cry. We wanted to get one for this year as we have an artificial one.

I also hate, when people ask ' Are you OK?' Off course, I am not! How can I be! How can we be ! I never answer this question. I always say something else.

Some people at work have stopped talking to me. One of them said, its my fault, they think, I don't want to talk to them. She said, its me, who has to make the first step. I was devastated by this respond. Yes, I do talk less, I don't smile, I turned into myself and a respond like this just makes me feel worse. 

THE GOOD THING IS, I GOT, WE GOT THIS FORUM, WHERE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND. THANK YOU ALL XXX

Will stop ranting now. 

I wish us all a brighter day today. 

Sending you all my hugs

Andrea xxx 

  • Andrea
limbo
Posted by

Oh, Andrea,

I know how insensitive people can be. They act as though the death of our spouses were just a minor event and that we can play by the same rules as before. There was a colleague of mine who kept telling me we should have lunch sometime and to let her know when I wanted to. I was very frank with her and told her I wasn't capable of making the first step. Since then , she hasn't mentioned anything. They leave it up to us to take the initiative. Hell, no! You don't let grieving people do the work.

I, too, am sending you hugs

Val66
Posted by

Oh Andrea,I know the feeling people asking am I ok,I bite my tongue,How can we be ok when our lives have been destroyed,It’s like some people have said Oh you will be fine,NO I Won’t I want to say, How can I ever be alright.

I can’t believe some  people have stopped talking to you,of course you have changed your whole life has changed what do they expect,We are all different people now.Like you say we have this group where we all understand

Hope you have a reasonable day today,xxxxx.    Hugs for all.xxxxx

Valxxx

Val47