Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

First Anniversary

dolphin10
Posted by

My husband passed away last year on 23 September 2018 after a short battle with lung cancer. He was  69 and we had been married 40 years.

  • His first anniversary is approaching and I am In turmoil. I keep looking at my notes I made in my diary  last year and photos I took.
  • I visited  our local  hospital on the date he left home in an ambulance never to return.  I went to Ward 12  and explained to the staff nurse why I was there . The nurse who dealt with me was really wonderful.  She asked me to sit down and offered me coffee. I sat outside the room he was in and reflected on last years events. I then went down in the basement and stood by the ambulances parked at the side of A&E. He was brought in from that end. I was retracing all the steps. Was it helping me ? No. I was in agony. I don’t recall being in agony the day he came in
  • I am sad, I’m in pain, I’m hurting, I want to scream and scream. 
  • How do others cope? How do you get through the days leading up to their loved ones first anniversary ?

Kelly

Peanut 123
Posted by

Hi  Kelly. I am so sorry for your loss and that you are in such pain. I think if you want to scream and scream then you should find a place and just do it. I just passed our one year anniversary on Saturday. I have been struggling too. I knew it would be hard so I took a few weeks leave from work starting Thursday and since Friday I haven't stopped cleaning and painting and tidying. Every door, every skirting board, every window has been cleaned. My livingroon is painted, well almost I ran out of paint. B and q this morning I think. I am much more tearful the past few days. I function quite well normally but it doesn't take much to scratch the surface and I am away again. I miss him so much . I suppose what I want to say is do what you need to do to get through it. I sometimes light candles and spend time alone talking to him . I also bought a plant this week and placed some of his ashes in the pot so he would be with me. Maybe if you don't want to be alone you could spend time with friends or family, have a quiet meal together and talk about him maybe. Sorry if that would be too painful. . The raw pain had eased before this but I realise I still have a way to go and the second year is going to be hard because everyone else forgets and we don't do we. Do what ever you feel is right for you. Look after yourself and cry when you need to. Visit this site when you need to and rant when you need to. Thinking of you xxx

dolphin10
Posted by

Thank you Peanuts.

I do try to keep myself busy by going to counselling sessions, Weight Watchers and walking  but nothing really helps to ease the pain. 

I don’t have many friends, those who were close to me avoid me now. Strange!

I just hope that once I am over the 12 month threshold I will start to feel and look at things differently but somehow I doubt that will happen as 23rd  is just a number.  

Kelly

Peanut 123
Posted by

I know Kelly it's so hard isn't it. It is strange how others behave and it can be hurtful because this is when you need them most but that is because they don't understand in any way just how a heart can break and not be mended. Know that you are not alone and I and others on this site will be thinking of you  now and beyond the 23rd.  Well done on the walking and weight watchers and hope the counselling helps you. I have wonderful family and good workmates but like you no real close friends. My one best friend and safe place left me when he died a year ago. But I do see moments of joy and moments that make me smile. Yours will come too. I am sorry I can't be much more help but sending much love and thoughts. Take care x

dolphin10
Posted by

Thanks Peanuts for your support,

XXX

Kelly

Ruby Diamond
Posted by

Hi Kelly

I'm further on the lonely journey than you, on 22nd September it will be my husband's 49th birthday and this will be my second without him.

The first anniversary of his death was awful. Lots of flash backs and disbelief that it had actually been a year since I had held him, kissed him and cried with him. It felt like no time at all but also alot longer if that makes sense.

The actual date itself. We visited his grave with flowers and cried and talked to him. The rest of the day is a blur I don't really think we did much, I always cook foods he liked on any anniversary and always raise a glass to him. 

His birthday this weekend will be sad. His daughter from his first marriage is coming to visit us for a afew days. We will always be close. Our 2 sons are a massive comfort and support to me. 

This anniversary, you must do what you feel able to do, nothing more. Whatever you do or feel is right for you.

Sending you strength and a hug 

  • Ruby diamond x
dolphin10
Posted by

Thankyou Ruby. I had no idea before he crossed the barrier that I would experience so much pain and heartache. I was just busy Nursing him and taking him to appointments not fully realising what was in store.

Once he was gone, there was hell let lose. How are we supposed to cope with such a huge loss.  He was still here last year at this time but now once the 23rd is over he will be gone never to come back. Gosh there is so much pain on these forums, each and everyone of us is suffering. I wish there was a way out.

Thank you for your support.

Kelly

Dutsie
Posted by

Hi Kelly,

I am a few months behind you having lost Richard on 16 December 2018.

When I last went to the hospice for bereavement support I had made a bit of breakthrough on matters I personally was avoiding to date.

We talked about bereavement in general and she said that everyone struggles at the first anniversary "the this time last year scenario". She did say to me that she would see me through as everyone struggles at that point. So, you are not alone in replaying what happened to you last year. Not sure what I am going to do and can only imagine what you are going through now. Must be heartbreaking.  Just wanted to reach out and send you a virtual hug.

The bereavement support person did give me hope in that for most people grief does get easier to deal with thereafter. I hope that is the case for you and everyone here.

With lots of love,

Dutsie x

Val66
Posted by

Hi Kelly,I lost my husband 5th September last year so have just got past the first anniversary.he was 70and we had been married 52yrs,As his first anniversary was coming up I .Didnt know how it was going to be,I knew it would be difficult but was not prepared how hard it was,The day we lost him was also our daughters birthday.Myself and the family supported each other throughout the day,visiting the cemetery which was really hard, and just talked about happy memories we have.We all react differently on this horrible journey I think everyone copes in their own way,if you want to cry and scream Kelly well do it,you have lost the most important person in your life, your life has changed completely, I have tears now and can’t get through one day yet without having a little cry.But With the support of this group I’m managing to get through the long lonely days and nights,I don’t have friends I can turn to butthe people in this group are so understanding and caring.as everyone is going through the same journey....regards Val..

Val47
dolphin10
Posted by

Hi Val 

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I suppose you understand how difficult it is as the first anniversary approaches. 

I go to group counselling sessions where I have made friends within that circle. In my darkest hour I can tap on these friends which takes the burden away from the close family who are also grieving.

It’s going to be a long and painful weekend.

Thank you for your support.

Kelly