Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

I should be grateful

jojowest
Posted by

Hi All 

Met some  new people some I know some I have never met before. Some where very kind but one person told me that I should be grateful that I had a long happy marriage where lots of other people have never been lucky enough to have had the life I have had & it's making me feel so bad yes I am very lucky to have had such a lovely marriage but I still miss him so much. I am trying so hard but when I hear that kind of comment it just messes with my mind. I feel as though I shouldn't feel sad  but should count my blessings please give me some advice feeling so sad & selfish. I know it's better to have loved than never loved at all which I know I am so lucky my darling was brilliant but I MISS HIM SO MUCH & just finding it so difficult at the moment. 

Love & hugs to you all

Jojo xxxxxxxx

Ruby Diamond
Posted by

Hi JoJo

I too hate those throw away comments, it's what people say when sadly they have no idea how hard every minute of every day is for us.

I was speaking to someone who said" after what happened with you and Rob, I decided life is too short and I wasn't happy" so she left her husband!! She continued to tell me how grateful she was to me, she sees me doing well and it's made her start going out, having fun and being happy herself.

Actually she sees me smile at her jokes, force myself to make small talk, continue with my regular dog walk and then go home to an empty house. How I wish to have someone to share it with, I apprecite she wasn't happy but I kind of feel annoyed that she threw her husband away and I would give anything to have mine back

Isn't it weird how people see what they want to see

  • Ruby diamond x
Wife0f26years
Posted by

Hi Jojo 

Probably a bit of everything is true. Some your not ready to hear at this stage. One is true having a special person. 

Never think you are selfish and you are sad obviously that's an understatement.

Do these people know you well? Have they been were you've been in your relationship? 

Take care and look after yourself because only you know. Sending caring thoughts x

MelanieL
Posted by

Hi Jojo and all,

I don't like these kind of comment either. I suppose people say those things really well-meaning but they cannot feel what we are feeling and that for us such a comment is really not right where we are at in our lives. Of course we are all grateful to have had the relationships we had and of course we know that many people are not as lucky as we are because they have never found and will maybe never find the kind of love we had with our loved ones. However, knowing all this doesn't make it any easier for us to be in the situation we are in now - a situation where we miss the other person terribly and feel that our time, not matter how long it was, was too short.

I remember our niece Jacqui saying to me last year, "Why don't you stop saying that it is so sad that your life together was so short? I mean, you knew when you got married that Paul was very sick." And I thought: Yes, of course I knew that, and of course I knew that he would probably die from this cancer not in the too far away future, but that doesn't make me say now, "Ah well, yes, of course he died. And that's fine. I mean, didn't I know all along that it was going to happen?" It's just not right to be saying such things in my opinion.

But I think comments like the ones described here - and I am sure many of us have heard them or will hear them over time - can also help to remind us that, yes, our relationships, even though they were too short and even though we didn't want them to end so soon, were wonderful ones, enriching ones, happy-making ones, and that we are full of memories now that we can cherish and love despite the pain.

Love Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.