Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

A horrible situation I don’t want to be in

Posted by

Hi All,

I’d really appreciate any advice from you if possible. I understand this really is a complex situation. Also what I put here will sort of paint my Partner in a bad light and I don’t want to do that because he was such a funny sensitive man. But here goes the problem that’s racing around in my mind constantly at the moment no matter how I try to block it is his estrange wife.

When my partner was a live I never got involved with them because I didn’t think it was my place and I sort of understood we’re the wife was coming from. Over the years while they was together he cheated on her with a much younger girl then went back to her. Then not much later he started another affair that lasted 4yrs then ended that just before he meet me. He stated the wife knew there marriage was over but they lived together for financial reasons. I knew about none of these affairs till 2 years into our relationship and he told me. By that time I was well and truly head over heels in love and living with him, had he told me at the beginning of our relationship I’d of ran for the hills. He said he thinks the wife thought I was the 2nd affair due to it being so soon after. ( I am 100% not this other woman) Apparently she found evidence they spilt and a couple of months later I am on the seen. Hence this is why I didn’t get involved between them my heart actually went out to his wife no matter how bad he said the marriage was I felt he should of just walked away instead of putting her through that. For the first 2 years of my relationship I thought this woman was a absolute nutter. Till I heard about the affairs.

The thing that’s eating me up inside now is the way she treated him emotionally blackmailing him over the kids and money especially when he was dying what ever she could shed throw at him. I can’t get the images out my head the last few months how broken he was. He’d send me screen shots of texts she’d send him or he tell me or text if I was out shopping etc what she’s was saying now. He’s got a daughter from a previous relationship in her Thirties who is in contact with me. She’s telling me she’s having a hard time from the step mum because she wants a relationship with me. She’s threatening her she won’t see her half siblings if she carries on keeping in touch. Her own Mum died a few years back.

Do I show her all the texts the emotional blackmail she done to her Dad or again do I do nothing. My heads just such a mess The daughter is saying the step mum is crying on the phone to her saying how much she misses her Dad. I don’t know what to do for the best. I just want to greave in peace on my own for my man but feel I am letting him down by not letting the daughter from a previous relationship know what went on. I know this is such a unusual situation but I have no kids and I don’t know how this would effect the daughter knowing the way her Step mother was. But at the same time I’m wrecked with guilt feeling like I’m letting him down. My friends say tell the daughter, because this woman is horrendous and needs put in her place because I have put up with so much from her over the years. Yet I have never had to deal with the pain of someone cheating on me so I tried to understand how hurt she must of been and over the last 9 years and still must be very hurt over the affairs. But then my heart bleeds for the way she treated him.

I feel only people on here know how bad and painful losing someone is so I would appreciate any type of advise. The whole situation is really breaking my heart. I feel I am trying to protect people here and doing a terrible job at it I don’t know what’s right or wrong because my head is a total mess. Sorry about all this I just want to be me again instead of my head mashed with all this. I suppose I’m trying to see everyone’s side of this sad situation but I cannot get out my head the way this woman behaved and is still trying to control everyone.

Jane x

Ruby Diamond
Posted by

Hi Jane 

What an awful situation for you to be in.

My situation is no way like yours but my now passed away husband was previously married and they have a daughter together, she was 2 when I first met her.

Rob was divorced when we met but his first wife was very bitter, she regularly used his daughter to her advantage. I never felt it my place to say anything.

His daughter is now 22 and we have a very loving honest relationship, in fact she is joining me and her 2 brothers when we go on holiday this summer. 

I've had conversations with her and said as much as I dare. I've given her examples of conversations and she  knows how her mum's actions upset her Dad and were unfair alot of the time.

I honestly think you don't need to tell the daughter, she will know. She is unable to change this woman's behaviour and sadly you can't change her either.

You can decide how it affects you though.......

I hope posting on here helps.

Best wishes


  • Ruby diamond x
Posted by

Hi Jane,

Right now, YOU are the priority - the world should be giving you all the space and support it can - not adding to it.

Of course it is sad about his previous partners, but they are in no way your responsibility, not one bit - they should be leaning on their friends and family.

It is lovely of you to keep connected with his daughter and is a testament to you and your relationship. I would never get into the business of showing this girl the failings of her mother - it is a no win situation for anyone.

For what it is worth, my advice is the same as the Cabin Staff on planes give out - put your own oxygen mask on first.... so focus on you, then maybe on others.

Take care and much love.

Posted by

OMG that felt strange for the first time I did giggle out load with your comment about the cabin crew. Thank you Ruby also for your advice. My emotions are all over the place one minute I feel this anger for this woman so il come on here and rant about her then Il have a good cry then the next minute I try to understand why she’s like this and try to make sense of it all. It’s not actually her daughter it’s her step Daughter my Partners older chid to someone else. I’d never dream of showing her kids the texts shed send there beloved Dad. I suppose I’m wanting to defend him because he’s not here to do it himself plus I’m riddled with guilt because I didn’t when he was alive. This forum is a Godsend because to friends and family they cannot believe how calm I am taking all this. They have not seen my rants on here lol. Hopefully it will die down soon and for us all to move forward. I’ve decide not to show her step daughter. My mums favourite saying was silence is golden I suppose with me not retaliating would only get to her more. 

Thanks again for the advice and the giggle Jane X