Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

This journey is so hard

Val66
Posted by

I know most people will be asleep,well I hope you all are.But I’m wide awake brain won’t switch off. These last few days have been ok sort of days ,and yesterday my niece and her husband said they would tidy the garden up,Alan loved his garden and had it looking lovely,so I was really pleased and happy for them to do it.but when I saw them working away all I could think of was Alan would never do it again.It sounds really stupid but I thought I was coping reasonably well and something silly like that sets me back..it’s just over seven months now but tonight the tears have just not stopped.for some reason I feel so alone and lost tonight,is this what it’s going to be like...I know we are all going through different phrases and all struggling so I’m sorry if I’m rambling on Just needed to do something.I don’t even know if this is written ok because of the tears,so if it doesn’t make sense I’m sorry.....

Hugs to all x

Val47
Ruby Diamond
Posted by

Hi Val.

My husband has been gone since 31 March 2018 and I've had bad and good day.

Monday of this week was one of the worst. We are having fencing put up round the garden in preparation for getting a dog, and I sobbed so hard as the fencing my husband erected was ripped out. Such a small thing but as you say Rob would have re done it, we would have done it together and now we won't ever do anything together again. 

He was such a practical man I hope he thinks the workmen are doing a good job. That at least makes me smile. 

Be kind to yourself, this journey is so hard

  • Ruby diamond x
Mush Brain
Posted by

Hi Val66

Thats doesn’t sound silly at all but a normal reaction. One I can really understand, the garden is the other way round for me. John had no interest in it whatsoever, he mowed the lawn for only the second time in 40 years 2 months before he was diagnosed last year. He had accepted retirement and realised actually it wasn’t that bad.

During his illness last year I couldn’t keep on top of it. I have done quite a bit of tidying up over the last couple of weeks and feel better for it. But also very sad because sitting in the sun, unlike all those years before, I know he isn’t inside watching the cricket or football. 

I am in the phase of having fewer tears and with some days very few. It is now 4 months seems it happened yesterday, a lifetime away and sometimes totally unreal,and he is still here watching the cricket while I am in the garden. All jumbled up

Luv n Hugs

Jo

xxx

Val66
Posted by

    Ty Ruby Diamond,for your kind words,just didn’t think it would get to me like it did.think it was watching my nephew cutting the grass,he said I know uncle Alan was fussy about his grass so will try and do it the same. Hope you get your fencing finished and enjoy your dog..       Val.x

Val47
Val66
Posted by

Hi jo,,thank you for your reply,Alan spent hours in his greenhouse and garden even more when he retired,used to say to him it was his mistress.lol. He would be out there now putting seedlings in,and I used to sit and watch him from the window,yesterday was the longest I’ve spent in the garden I’m a indoor person.Im getting through most days without many tears just yesterday was hard.I suppose we have to make the most of the good days,I really want to be strong and make the most of things because Alan didn’t get the chance so I want to do it for him,if that makes sense,I hope you can still enjoy your garden jo I’m getting my nephew to put a special plant in for Alan.....hugs  valxx

Val47
IanB42
Posted by

Hi Val,

my thoughts are with you. Margi my wife died last October and she was the gardener and I was the clueless labour. This spring I must admit I've found it impossible to let anyone help with the garden as I want it done exactly how Margi wanted it. I find it kind when people offer help in any form but I'm still finding it hard to accept help because on a bad day it feels like losing control, whether rational or not.

take care

Ian

Val66
Posted by

So sorry about the lossyour wife Ian, I can understand what you mean about the garden,she would have her own way of doing things.I know Alan did.Even two months before I lost him he was still trying to do it all.And I can understand about people offering help I’ve always been very independent and strong but this has just knocked my confidence big time,I panic over the smallest things and that’s not the real me.Hopefully in time you  might even Come to do a bit of gardening yourself.i surprised myself yesterday,but wish I had made more of a effort to enjoy the garden when Alan was here...take care....Val

Val47