Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Hello.....

Grampy66
Posted by

Well this is a group I was not in a hurry to join but sadly I qualified the day before our 12th wedding anniversary and my birthday. We got married on the 4th April as Diane reckoned I was crap at remembering stuff like that. 

Well I won't forget this one in a hurry. 

Her two and a half year battle came to an end on the 3rd of April 2019.

I know it's early days yet. I know it will get better. I know time is a great healer and all that stuff but in the here and now that's all lost in the fog of the future. Here and now it hurts like hell. Here and now it hits me when I don't expect it. I can be driving along and suddenly I can't see for tears. I can be talking to someone and suddenly can't get the next word out and it's truly shitty. 

Just when I thought I had a handle on this, after all this was the unavoidable ending that we both knew one day would catch up with us. I thought I had gotten it in its box. I'm a typical bloke when it comes to feelings or at least I was until Diane's diagnosis in September 2016. It's been a shit ride. 

My little sister died Christmas 2017. 

Our 19 year old daughter died Christmas 2018

Now I'm here again with losing my best friend and soul mate. This was a second marriage for both of us, a second chance for us both and we knew it from the first time we met.

So yes I thought I could put this in its box because that's what I do... Or did. But this is bigger than that. Bigger than anything that has gone before. I think I'm in denial. I catch myself thinking she will come through the door any second or I'll wake up and see her smiling at me so yes, definitely not in a box. I'm rambling now I know,  we arranged the service today with the same lovely lady that took the service for our daughter. A non religious service. I'm sorry but I certainly don't do the god stuff after the last few years. Sleep is the other thing, how do you? I get emotional and grumpy if I don't get enough sleep and now I can't sleep more than a couple of hours and I'm laying there with my brain in overdrive unable to shut it down.

What I have found is its good to talk to people. It's good to talk really close friend of Diane's. I did today. A friend she has only ever talked to online and has never met in person. They used to face time nearly every day, she is American and turned out to be Diane's one true friend through all of this as most seemed to drop off the radar when the going got tough. I have never spoken to Gina other than a few texts. So today we did the video chat thing and it was great. We both cried, choked up trying to get stuff out and then cried some more but afterwards I felt lighter in some way, problem shared and all that stuff maybe? I went to see Diane at the funeral home. Nearly didn't but wanted to, again chatted for ages  cried harder than ever but came away a little less weighed down.... For a while at least. 

So here I am 14 days in and a funeral on the 25th.

So yes I'm sorry for rambling on but its a thing... You know I'm either saying nothing after so long saying everything's fine when people politely ask because I know they don't want the real truth of how slowly being eaten away by lung cancer goes. Or I don't stop talking... Like now so yes it's all shitty at the mo. Even some adverts on the bloody TV set me off. I bet if I read through this post the spelling will be shitty too as my eyes keep flooding.

It's bloody hard losing someone that you love so deeply. Sometimes it's hard to breath it suffocate me. 

Here's to looking forwards even though I can't see through the fog yet. I'm still looking back. 

Thank you for listening.... If you are

Richard x

Mr I'm ok and everything is fine thank you.
Dutsie
Posted by

Dear Richard,

I hear you. Sorry to hear about the loss of your wife (and the loss of close relatives in such close proximity).

It is is shitty as you say. It is early days (and for me!) but found sharing my feelings here and the messages of support from people that understand very comforting.

Its late....need to to sleep but wanted to respond as there are always people listening here and just wanted to let yiu know that. 

With lots of love, Dutsie x

Ruby Diamond
Posted by

Hi Richard

There is always someone listening.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife the pain is unbelievable isn't it. Even when we know it's coming after the diagnosis. You both have been through so much and loosing your daughter, I cannot imagine that pain .You are honestly doing so well 

Your post wasn't a ramble and even if it was that's ok it's how you feel .We also had a humanist service, I can't believe in any higher body that would rob my husband of his life at only 47 or leave his children or me without this wonderful man. 

I too find alot of comfort speaking about my husband, I wish more friends would. I don't want him to disappear, I know I can talk about him on here. 

Take care, rest and eat and post on here whenever you need. We all understand.

  • Ruby diamond x
MelanieL
Posted by

Dear Richard,

I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your one true friend and soulmate Dianne. 

Thank you so much for sharing so openly with this group of how you feel. It is really important to be able to do so; and particularly it is good to share with people who find themselves in a similar situation to your own because you know that they understand what you are going through.

It is very early days for you, and you are probably still in shock and your whole system is struggling to understand what has happened.

It is my experience too - and I think the experience of most of us here no matter how long it is since our loved one left us - that all sorts of things can set us off and we cry and cry, don't sleep to weel because especially at night the thoughts and memories and mainly loneliness creep up on us, can't eat too well because what's the point in eating alone... It is all absolutely normal, a part of the grieving process. So be kind to yourself whatever happens. Let the pain of grief move through you. Because if you don't let it move through you and try to go on as normal, it will only come out in different ways.

I am very sorry too for your other losses that happened not that long ago. And I am sure that your system is still trying to come to terms with them too. Loving is so beautiful but losing is so terribly sad.

I lost my own husband in May of last year. After a 15-year long fight with prostate cancer which had spread to his liver and was kept under control with Chemotherapy for the last year of his life. But then he got the flew and pneumonia and everything went downhill from there. He passed away very peacefully on 15th May of last year. It has been a very difficult journey so far with very different emotions hitting me at different times. It is certainly very challenging but, over time, you learn to adjust to a "new normal", one that you don't want and one that doesn't feel right but one that you know is the only one there is right now.

Sorry, now I am rambling. I just wanted you to know: I understand you and I know what you are going through and we are here for you to listen and to help.

Love, Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
Mush Brain
Posted by

Hi Richard

Don’t be hard on yourself or expect too much. It is very early days, yes the emotions get easier to deal with as time goes on. I am just under 4 months since I lost John. You have had such a very very hard time over the last few years. One I cannot even begin to imagine.

We all deal with this horrible situation in our own ways, but we all do understand. But I think for all of us the term taking life one hour at a time is never truer than in the first few weeks.

Luv n virtual hugs

Jo

Ps there is always someone listening here which does help.

Wife0f26years
Posted by

Dear Richard sorry you find yourself here. Rest when you can and only do what's  essential that includes caring for you. I was so upset to hear of your family passing  as well. Hope the funeral people can be more sympathetic with your established relationship and continue to support you. 

Please ramble whenever you want. We may know what's coming but you can't prepare for any of it take care

jojowest
Posted by

Dear Richard

I feel so sad for you. I can relate so well as we lost our daughter in 2016 a year later my husband was diagnosed with Cancer I feel sure it was triggered by her death. He didn't really grieve for her well not openly he took it very much inside it was so sad. It is such early days for you .My darling husband passed away just over 3 months ago & I miss him so much. It seems wherever I go & whatever I do there are so many memories which sometimes is comforting but other times I just burst into tears but I think my routine has changed which I wish it hadn't . Everyone on this site truly understands how you are feeling so please chat to us all whenever you feel lost & lonely it helps just to write it down . Thinking of you

love & hugs 

jojo x

Wife0f26years
Posted by

Dear Jojo  

The memories can be hard hopefully in time there will be some to remember  with a smile. 

Following what you said maybe that why I went somewhere new. Alternating from  enjoying a glorious spring day in a beautiful ace to wishing my husband was with me. Then  as I walked round a corner remembered a time and place he took us once many heard ago ...

On my own but surrounded by people.

Hope others on this site can take time for themselves and all the memories xxx

jojowest
Posted by

Dear Wifeof 26years

Thank you for your kind words I am sort of coping but some days it's just so hard ....Sometimes I just want to curl up & go to sleep forever then I count my blessings which makes me pull myself together but not really sure what I want. I guess I am trying too hard to get a normal life but it will never ever be normal again. So fed up tonight but he! ho! Britains got talent on now maybe that will cheer me up,

Sorry love & hugs to you all

jojo xx

Grampy66
Posted by

Thank you jojo x it's comforting in a sad way to know there are others out there hurting as much as I do. Hearing other people's stories as well as making me cry is very er well I don't know how to put it but it helps some how. I've read other people's stories on here over the last two or three years but it's not until now they have hit home  not until I lost my best friend and soul mate. I thought I had it so bad but talking to others when my Diane was in the Hospice opened my eyes. Not that it made me think we were any better off but that we were not alone. It was not until the last ten days of our journey did I actually talk to anyone about it. Total strangers brought together in sad circumstances. I cried with them, sat with them and we all had loved ones drifting away from us, so sad. 

I went to the Hospice yesterday, made a cup of tea and sat out in the balcony garden looking out over the town watching people go about there lives. Just as I had done so many times with Diane before I lost her. Cried a lot but felt better after. Well for about an hour then it all came crushing in on me again. Perhaps that's normal I don't know. But to know you have had a similar journey as we gave is somehow ..  Warming if only for a little while. I'm slowly learning its good to talk but it has to be the right person

X chin up x

Mr I'm ok and everything is fine thank you.