Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Is it me or is this normal

Val66
Posted by

Hi all,Well the past couple of days have been bad,Alan has been gone just over six months now,thought I was coping ok,then undertaker rang to say Alan’s headstone would be going in place next week and it just seemed to me that this was the final thing and yes it’s real Alan has gone.so the tears started and the panic set in ,my day went downhill from there.I had the engineer coming to fix the washer and I started to worry how he would get the washer out to fix it even tho it’s been done before.I spilt some milk on the floor and yes it was a minor thing easily mopped up but I made a big issue out of it.Sorry for rambling but I just wondered if anyone went through the same thing.the least little problem and I panic and make a big issue of it.Im normally the one who keeps things calm.I hope everyone else is having better days.luv Val....

Val47
Joshnosh
Posted by

Hello Val

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  6 months without Alan is something of a milestone, time wise, in itself. Add to that the news that his headstone is going in place soon and all the other day to day drama's that we used to take our stride, I think you are perfectly "allowed" to feel panicky and low.  There is no "normal".  Everyone, but everyone, deals with grief differently.

My husband died 16 weeks ago today.  I can't believe he is dead and won't come back.  Like you, I thought I was doing okay, but for the last 10 days I have really, really struggled to deal with anything.  My boiler was condemned 3 weeks ago (it's 2 years old!), it was fixed but then the hot water went off again.  It was fixed again.  Then the internet went down so a Sky engineer came out and fixed it.  My phone has decided to stop ringing so I need to call Apple and get that sorted.  All of these things I took in my stride.  But then my little dog lost her favourite ball out on a walk and I had a complete melt down.  Totally irrational but it was the straw that broke the camels back.  

I read somewhere that the 4-6 month period after a bereavement are when you tend to reach the lowest point.  Probably because your mind is slowly beginning to accept that your loved one has gone and won't be coming back.  For me that time frame fits.  I was totally bereft for the first month but then I managed to get myself into a steady state of "getting on with it", but now I feel I've taken a huge step backwards.  I miss Steve so much it physically hurts me to breathe sometimes

So, don't be too hard on yourself.  You are going through one of the worst experiences you will ever got through.  There is no instruction book and there is no-one to help because no-one can truly understand what this feels like for YOU.  My advice would be to do some deep breathing exercises, clear up the milk, and then go a have a good cry..... but not necessarily in that order.

I hope your day gets better

Ruth x

p.s. Gertie's ball was actually in the car.... 

Ruth 

Be kind to yourself, be kind to others and always walk in sunshine

Val66
Posted by

Hello Ruth,thank you for your kind words,it means a lot. So sorry to hear about your husband,it’s horrible isn’t it.I thought I was coping quite well,then it just  Hits you out the blue again.well today has been easier for me,and I’ve mopped the milk up,had a good cry,now I might try the breathing exercises,lol.I know what you mean when you say it physically hurts to breathe because your husband is not here. I’m the same sometimes.and no we don’t have a manual explaining things of how we should feel it’s just taking one small step each day, So I hope you have have had a better day today, and glad you found Gerties ball.....luv Val x

Val47
MelanieL
Posted by

Hi Val and Ruth and everyone.

I know exactly what the two of you are talking about.

It's always the same thing, isn't it? We are going along fine, well, we just cope as best we can, and then something happens and we just get so overwhelmed, into a panic, into despair, into a rage...

I hope your day was better yesterday and that today will be okay for you both.

Love and hugs

Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
Mush Brain
Posted by

Hi All

it all rings so true everything everyone is saying. It all seems so pointless. I am getting very ratty with everyone, sometimes their fault but mostly it’s stuff I would just brush off before. There is no one to rant with or just mull things over with.

You think you are going along fine and wallop it hits you hard in the face as you say something really silly happens, with me it was the door bell going, easy enough to sort just ordered a new wireless one from Amazon, but sent me into a panic. I try and make sure I see people but it’s not easy. 

Hey ho this is life now.

Loads o luv and virtual hugs to you all

Jo

xxx

jojowest
Posted by

I feel so low at the moment & just can't shake it off. It was my husbands birthday on Sunday managed to get through the day with my family. The problem I am having is that when I am with my kids it seems to make me so upset they are being so brave for me I know they are heartbroken & try so hard to cheer me up but It makes me feel so guilty that I as the mum should be taking care of them & comforting them must add that they are all grown men! But I guess once a mum always a mum it's what we do try & protect our children whatever age.I have a sister & we are very close but now she is off on holiday & I won't see her & that is making me panic . I expect I will feel different in the morning when it's daylight but during the night when I can't sleep everything seems so much worse. Thank you for reading this just had to tell someone.

love & hugs

jojo xxx

MelanieL
Posted by

Hi Jojo,

I am so sorry for how low you are feeling. And I am glad you have reached out to let others know.

One thing I was thinking reading your post was: When you don't tell your sons how you are really feeling, you are actually making yourself more lonely, because they think something of you then that is not true; they will think that yo are coping well but you feel you are not coping too well at the moment and that creates distance. So I would really encourage you to let them know how you are feeling, to reach out for their support. Then you can grieve together. And that's okay. You are a family.

I completely get this feeling of panic. When my friend Margaret wasn't sure on Saturday whether she would be able to meet on Sunday I felt so sick with panic at the prospect of having to spend the weekend on my own.

I am kind of okay this morning. But I would say not okay, just coping, just hoping that I will continue to feel kind of okay today. That's really not a life, is it? I really want to see a counsellor at this point.

Love, Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
Joshnosh
Posted by

Hello everyone

What a roller coaster this is..... I am astounded every time I log on to this forum who many incredibly sad and courageous women and men there are out there,but no matter who much we're hurting, we're there for each other.

I don't have children so I can't really offer any advice to JoJo other than to say I agree with Mel.  I think it's really important to let your children know how you are feeling.  That will then give them permission to share their feelings.  I don't know how old your children are but I've heard that "colour your mood" is a good way to talk to children about grief and grieving.  The idea is that instead of trying to explain how they are feeling they describe their mood as a colour, which then leads to a wider discussion.  So for example, today I feel purple...... I woke up with the usual lurch in my stomach that I have another day to get through, but I go up, showered, walked my dog (it's beautiful weather in Nottingham/Derby area) came home and treated myself to a cappuccino.  I am heading for counselling at 10.30 and when I get back I know I will be in bits, so I am planning to take Gertie (4 legged best buddy) for a long walk across the fields where I can let rip and scream at the injustice of it all.  I try very hard to plan my days so I am not sitting in front of the TV all day.

I bought a book the other day called Widow to Widow.  It's written by an American marriage counsellor (Genieve something or other) who was widowed very suddenly back in the 1970s.  Over a period of years she created a support group in Tucson Arizona. The book is a result of years of research and working with widows.  It offers support and advice from those who have walked this path before us. I'm only 30 pages in but I can tell you it has made me really think about things a little differently.  Basically, whatever you are feeling, whenever you are feeling it is okay.  Its worth a read.  It's not a "fluffy" book, it's the result of working and listening to literally thousands of widows and widowers, it doesn't offer platitudes or tell you how you should be "coping", it just tells you how it is. Some of the more specific advice is based on American organisations and cultures, but the underlying message from the widows resonates wherever you are in the world.  Let's face it. no matter where you live, every widow/er is going to have to cope with the first birthday, christmas or anniversary following the death of their beloved.

Anyway, I'll stop waffling and let you all get on with your days.

Please take care of yourselves.

Ruth xx

Ruth 

Be kind to yourself, be kind to others and always walk in sunshine

jojowest
Posted by

Dear Mel

Thank you for replying I understand what you mean about letting them know how I feel if I don't tell them they think I am ok . This is such a horrible time for all of us but it does help knowing that we are all trying to help each other. 

Hope your day is ok 

love & hugs 

jojo xxx