I feel even worse today.
Yesterday evening I went out for a glass of wine and a catchup to my friend Maureen. That was nice and when I came home after two hours I felt better.
This morning when I woke up I felt good. I was full of energy and spent the morning cleaning the house.
And then, again out of the blue, the tears came again. I was waiting for a friend of mine who had agreed to go shoppig with me because she has a car and I can get more things when I go with her. For the time when we were in Lidl I felt kind of okay, flat but okay, but I came home about twenty minutes ago and I haven't been able to stop crying since.
Everything just feels so so pointless. What am I living for? Who am I living for? I really have nothing and nobody to live for.
Yes, I have a few friends who like me and like spending time with me. But they wouldn't be extremely upset if I wasn't here any longer, their lives would go on regardless.
Yes, I have my work. But if I wasn't doing it, if I wasn't there to do it, that wouldn't be a big deal for anyone.
Of course, my parents and my brother are my closest family now and they love me and appreciate me. But even they would learn to live without me I think.
Do you see what I mean? There is nobody in my life who really needs me and nothing left I really have to be around for.
I feel that all the hospitals that turn down my idea to offer Reiki on a voluntary basis are actually not helping me. Jacqui said to me the other day that they are perhaps doing it because I haven't even been a widdow for a complete year and that they feel it would be too soon for me to work in a hospital context. And if they saw me here now crying my eyes out, I can almost hear them say, "You see, that's what we mean! You are still so much in your own grieving process!" But I would say: I am actually feeling so low because you just don't let me do what I feel I need to do, you hold me back, I am not allowed to follow my calling and do something which I feel would actually really give my life meaning again. They are making it worse by holding me back.
I wonder if I should go for counselling. I t might be the right time to do it.
The weird thing is that this sadness doesn't even feel like it is about Paul or about missing him, it feels more like I am sad because of the pointlessness that I feel is in my life now. Nothing to live for, nobody to live for, nothing to look forward to.
I know I sound really low and I know that at other times I am writing here and it sounds very positive. And it sometimes is really positive. I am not sure what is happening me at the moment that makes everything so so difficult.
I lost an earring yesterday. It was one of a pair that Paul had given me as a gift one day in 2014. That makes me very sad too. Of all the things I could lose I lose something that I was given by him.
I don't know what to do with my afternoon. I need to cook something and eat, even though I don't feel like it. And then maybe listen to meditations or podcasts. I would like to go for a long walk but I can't because it is lashing rain outside.
I hope that you are all feeling better today than I do.
Sorry to hear. I have just replied to your other post "bad day".
I totally resonate with how you are feeling at the moment. Again your day seems so similar to mine. Went shopping with my neighbour this morning, came home and cried..too cold and rainy to go out for a walk etc.
With the help others on this site, I requested bereavement support. I was initially a bit apprehensive but help is out there. I know you have touched on this above so please consider it x
With lots of love, Dutsie Xx
Sending love and best wishes. There's so many emotions mixed up and what next? What I'm I doing? I know what you're saying. Grapple with it everyday. Xxx
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