Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Bad Day

Posted by

Hi everyone,

Today was not a good day for me. I felt okay when I got up this morning. I actually felt okay until I had my lunch in the kitchen at work. I felt all of a sudden very tearful. I wasn't thinking of anything in particular. I just felt this deep, deep sadness and despair. It took me by surprise because I hadn't felt like that in a long time. What came with this sadness and despair was a kind of panic: What if I am really depressed now? What will I do if I keep feeling like this over the bank holiday weekend? With whom can I meet up? What can I do? It was really awful. Then my lunchbreak was over and, thankfully, I didn't have any more clients but only had to meet up with my new colleague with whom I share my therapy room. So it was our very first meeting. We told each other a little bit about ourselves. Then I mentioned to her that what I really want to do is offer Reiki to cancer patients in hospitals. She said, "That's brilliant. There are so many people with cancer..." And I started to cry. It is so unlike me to do this. And, again, I couldn't put my finger on why I was crying; I mean, I didn't think of Paul or feel particularly sad about the fact that there are so many people with cancer, it somehow felt deeper than that, like a really deep soul-sadness and loneliness and pointlessness. When we said goodbye I was so glad the meeting was over because I felt I really wanted to be and needed to be on my own but at the same time I was dreading it.

Then I was on my way home and suddenly realised that I didn't have my purse with me. I couldn't remember where I had last seen it. Well, it turned out that I had left it lying on the couch here at home which is weird ecause normally I never take it out of my coat pocket but this morning I must have done it.

Now I don't know what brought this on today. Perhaps it was because I had two very late nights this week and when I am tired I am not as well able to protect myself from feelings of sadness as I would normally be. Also, Jacqui was here last night. She is the niece who was with me when Paul died. And, although we didn't speak too much about Paul, of course it still brought back memories of back then. And I told her all the stuff about the hospitals not wanting me to work with them, that's what it seems anyway, and that I feel it is so unfair because I know that what would help me most in my grief at the moment is to do something in which I really, really see the point and I want to do good and I want to do something for people. So maybe all this brought it on, I don't know.

I am feeling a little better now. But I am extremely tired.

My friend Maureen asked me if I would like to go to the pub this evening. And, no, I actually don't ant to. But, on the other hand, I think it is great that she asked me and I will go, even if it is only for one hour or so, it gets me out of the house if nothing else.

I hope you all have had a better day today.

Love, Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
Posted by

Hi Mel,

My day yesterday was up and down yesterday too. I went out for a couple of hours with a friend in the evening to our local. Was nice to get out but exhausting.

In fact, all week has been. I am exhausted from relatives visiting from the US after hearing about Richard. Whilst I had a lovely time, there were too many late nights for me and I now feel more out of balance.

It's funny, I too never take my debit card out of my purse but left it at home yesterday. The parallels of our day yesterday were so similar!

I think reiki is a great idea. I know you mention offering this at hospitals but have you approached your local hospice/other cancer related charities. Our local hospital had a centre whereby they offered alternative therapy for patients and relatives. Though it might be worth a mention.

I put myself forward to volunteer at a local hospice to do some gardening last month (when I thought I was doing okay) and they called me this week. I had to be honest in  that I am finding work/life overwhelming at the moment and would like to delay meeting them until I feel ready which they are okay with. Like you, I want to do something positive.

3 months ago today, Richard passed away so feeling a bit sad today.  Arranged to meet another friend at our local later today.

Anyway, was thinking of you and hope that you are having a better day today.

Take care,

Dutsie Xx

Posted by

Hi Dutsie,

It is really quite remarkable how similar our days were yesterday. We even forgot the same items at home!

It helps me to know that we are feeling similar, although I wish of course that you would feel better than you do.

So it is three months for you today. That must be difficult to remember.

It was interesting actually that it was 10 months for me yesterday but I only thought of that, and that was the first time that ever happened, at 8.30 and Paul had passed at 8.10.

It will be good for you to go out for a while later I am sure. I will go over to my neighbour and have a drink and a chat with her.

At the moment I am cleaning the house. I have a friend coming over for dinner tomorrow.

It is interesting how even the slightest little change to our routine can get us so upset at the moment, isn't it? I suppose it's because there is no resilience and no strength in us left to deal with more than we absolutely have to.

Great that you want to volunteer at the hospice, and I think too that it is good that you were able to tell them this week that now was not a good time.

I have approached the hospices here. Nobody wants my help. In Ireland complementary therapies in hospitals and hospices are only provided by nursing staff. And Reiki is not among the ones that have been aproved. The only ones aproved are Reflexology and Aromatherapy. I suppose I was just hoping that someone, and in particular the people who know me at those hospitals, would be willing to give me a chance to try it and actually see the response from patients. I never thought that it would be so unwanted. But I also feel stigmatised in my grief. Because I do believe that they are not talking to me because they feel it is too early. Or maybe they have a problem with my vision impairment, which is something that happens more than one would like to think. 

Love, Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
Posted by

Hi I feel for you both and also had an overwhelming  upset on Fri though mine brought on by upcoming events. I thought twice about going out later as had arrangement  with friend. So glad there's  friends and relatives supporting and being with you. Makes a lot of difference. Take care xxx