Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Bereavement Support

Dutsie
Posted by

I have just received a letter from the hospice offering bereavement support. Just reading the letter and leaflet had me in tears tonight.

I lost my husband nearly 3 months ago. I still feel drained, I still have questions that need answering and things to sort out (which I am doing very slowly, or maybe even avoiding for now). 

I have lost my focus and sometimes the smallest job seems too much! This all comes in waves, one minute "I can do it" and surprise myself.  The next moment "I don't want to" and nothings gets done.

I feel the above is what to be expected under the circumstances...

I am a bit apprehensive about requesting support but at times, I feel this may benefit me. I just don't know. 

Any thoughts?

Brockhawk
Posted by

Dear Dutsie,

My wife passed just 6 weeks ago. I've had contact with the hospice staff and they have been really great, offered further support and so on. Recently spoke with the CNS and family support lady - both have listened and just talked. There's no particular structure but you can just get things out there. I think it's been helpful. Was offered to talk with the bereavement team as well if I want to which they said would be similar but just with the team that just specialise in this support. Haven't taken this up yet but it's good to know it's there.

Don't know if this helps. Certain things set me off too. Think it's early days for both of us. Hang in there.

Brockhawk
Wife0f26years
Posted by

Hi glad you found the opportunity helped. 

Dutsie  I think you need the time to talk and share your concerns so take it. I hope you find the support comforts you.

This is an individual time there's  no way you should think I should be  doing this or that. Tiny steps xxx 

Dutsie
Posted by

Thank you Brockhawk & WifeOf26years.

Thank you for taking time respond.  

Richard was my "security blanket" and the one I shared my innermost feelings with. This is no longer.

I think you are both right that I need to talk and share my concerns more. I will respond to the letter today x

Davos55
Posted by

Hi Dutsie.

I lost my lovely wife mid February and can certainly identify and empathise with how you're feeling.

The last 3 weeks have passed in a bit of a busy blur with all the difficult organisational stuff but my son has been a tremendous help and comfort.

Even the simplest of tasks has been difficult, speaking to the bank, insurance or utility companies on the phone without dissolving into a tearful mess. I've been trying to conduct my affairs through email.

I have successfully completed the really important stuff - funeral arrangements etc but now all that is over, and people have gone back to their own lives I feel lost, angry, frightened and bereft.

I was going to let a period of time elapse before considering some sort of support/counselling but have quickly realised that I need it sooner rather than later. I have been in touch with CRUSE and my local hospice and am awaiting a reply.

I am not entirely sure if it will help but have to remain positive that it can provide some insight, amelioration and understanding to the way that I am feeling at this very difficult time.

What have you got to lose so please seriously consider taking them up on the offer.

Dutsie
Posted by

Thank you Davos55. 

Overall I am a positive person but you have to admit this sucks big time! Saying that I went back to my first and only post made on the carers group which reminded me of a promise I made myself - embrace change! I have now put this on my profile for my own ease of reference.

I know it is time for me to accept a little help and offload. I am hopeful it will assist, as you say, you have to remain positive it can provide insight etc. Hope you find comfort/support too.

I am now awaiting a response from the hospice having accepted their offer of help today. 

Just needed a gentle push, I think, so thank you all again x

Tuppence99
Posted by

Hello Davos55, I am in a similar situation as you having lost my husband on February 21st. His funeral was on Monday this week and also for me everyone has gone back to their normal lives. However Im at home wondering what the future holds for me and to use your words i too feel angry, lost and frightened of a future on my own. He was only 57, we had been married for 31 years and I had assumed he would live to his 90s like his father. Everything has happened so fast for me, we only had the terminal diagnosis 15 days before he died. He was my best friend and protector and I'm not sure how I will manage without him.

Joshnosh
Posted by

Hello Tuppence99

I am new to this forum.  I originally joined in September 2018 when my beloved husband was diagnosed (recurrence) with terminal esophageal cancer. He died in November.  Like your lovely husband, he was relatively young at 58 and we had just celebrated our 30th anniversary.  We don't have children and were everything to each other.  Whilst we had 16 months to say goodbye, it still feels so raw and so, so unfair.  I feel our future has been ripped away and now I am living in this "half light" where nothing seems quite real, and NOTHING feels important enough. So, I guess the reason I am writing this is to say hello, to send you a huge hug and to let you know I'm here if you every need to vent.

Ruth (Joshnosh)

Ruth 

Be kind to yourself, be kind to others and always walk in sunshine

Joshnosh
Posted by

Hi Dutsie

I'm sorry to hear your lovely husband died.... it's so shocking isn't it?

I am finding bereavement support through my hospice very helpful.  Sometimes it's a bit "scripted" but its somewhere I can go and talk without being judged and without being given the awful platitudes that I'll "get over this".  I don't want to get other "this".  "This" is my link to Steve, this pain is the only thing I have left, I want to hang on to it as long as possible because it keeps him near.  When the pain goes, I will be moving on and I don't want to..... not yet.

3 months is nothing.... it's a blink of the eye.  Take all the help you can get.  You can also stop if it's not for you.

Take care

Ruth 

Be kind to yourself, be kind to others and always walk in sunshine