Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

The tears have started again

Beezmouse
Posted by

Hi everyone.

I don't post much anymore, but still read what others have written.

I genuinely thought my tears had stopped, but they have come back with a vengeance.  It's 11 months since my husband died and he would be so proud of me for getting this far.  In some ways I cannot believe I've been this long on my own and in others its gone in so quickly.  I have no idea how I have gotten to where I am - but I have.

Anyway,  my grief and sadness comes in waves and for the past 2 weeks I have been stuck in the deepest depths of being bereft..  I cry constantly - at work, in the car, walking the dog, tv.  Anything and everything.  All I want to do is be with my husband and then that makes me sad because I do want to live, but I want him to be here living with me.  I miss him so much.

I thought I was doing alright, but this past few weeks has really taken it's toll on me, I just don't know what to do to help myself anymore - not even sure why I'm posting on here.  Maybe getting it out will help. 

This weekend was tough.  I saw or spoke to no-one from when I left work on Friday until I came in this morning.  Partially my own fault as it's easier to not speak to people.  I could've phoned any of my friends and I know they will be annoyed that I didn't, but it was easier not to contact them - I don't know why.  I don't feel lonely in that respect, I just wish my husband was still here.

I guess it's coming up to his anniversary and this is the time last year when things starting going drastically wrong and I couldn't fix him or make him better.  I read through some of the messages we had sent when he was in hospital and I told him this wasn't the end.  It was the beginning of the end, I just didn't know.  I feel so guilty for saying that to him.

If you've read this far then thank you - there's more I want to say. so much much more, but I don't want to bore you with it all.

 B

Four wines
Posted by

Hi Beezmouse i feel exactly the same coming up to year anniversary and like you don’t know how i have got this far feeling very emotional and tearful i guess it’s the reality that this is our lives and somehow we have to do it without them and knowing how much they would want to be here with us big hugAngie

wakey girl
Posted by

I also feel very similar ....my hubbys first anniversary is April 12th and although he lived almost 4 years after a stage 4 diagnosis was only really ill for the last 4 weeks....so everything now is last year at this time!!! 

I also feel I’ve been doing really well and although I’m not crying all the time the tears are never far away and that’s all started this week or so. 

Our grandchildren are 5 and 15 months and it breaks my heart what he’s missing out on.  Our 5 year old talks about grandad often and the baby points at his photo and says Gaga !!   My daughters and I are determined the children will always know what a lovely grandad they had ! 

On johns anniversary my daughters and I are going to the east coast for the day, John loved spending time there ! 

Beezouse you were someone me one I aspired to in the early days ....I don’t believe time heals just think we get used to it 

love to all xx

slb8
Posted by

Hello B

I can understand how the emotions are coming upon you in waves as you are coming up to a year. While I have not lost a partner, a good friend has and I have in another life, provided counselling for grief and loss and what you describe is very common. In a lot of ways the first year is like my cancer journey- you just get on with it. But the reality started to sink in and those anniversaries are in our memories and programmed into our bodies.

I think as a society we under estimate grief and the way in which it impacts on  ones life.  It is not a steady getting better day by day, but more fluid with some lows  and dips as the months and years go on. It takes a long time to adjust to life without that person and having sad and tearful periods is part of the process. I found a mindful acceptance of bad days really have helped me along the way.

I am not sure if you have looked at forms of support as well. I am going to a writing workshop on grief and loss at our local hospice. Sometimes expressing feelings and thoughts through writing and other  arts can be helpful.

Hope your low period does not last too long!

SB

Shell

Beezmouse
Posted by

Thank you so much for all your replies. really means a lot.

 I came home from work and went to bed,  cried myself to sleep for a couple of hours and I actually feel better for it. 

Managed something to eat and have tried to put things in to prospective.  I've set up counselling sessions through work again and one of my friends  suggested getting away for a few days so I'm currently trawling the internet for a dog friendly log cabin to go to.

When I think of what I've achieved since 12th April last year when my husband died I can't actually believe it.  He would so bloody proud of me!  I am definatley a much better person having had him in my life.

I'm not 100% there,  but I'm in a much better place than I was earlier on. It sometimes just helps to know you're not alone. 

Thank you all once again 

B -x-

jojowest
Posted by

My husband passed away on 11th January 2019 & already it's his birthday 17th March. I can remember his last birthday all the family round & it was snowing he was reasonably well but now  I have  to remember what happened next month by month as he gradually got weaker it is so hard  I try not to think about it but I can't help it. People say the first year is tough & it is going to be really tough I just don't know how to cope all I can focus on is this time last year so it's going to get worse & worse . Please give me some help please.

love & hugs 

jojo xxx

Devonia
Posted by

My soulmate died on 21 September 2018 and it is his birthday on 23 March. I cry everyday, suddenly without warning, a song, on a bus, walking home anything can start the tears. I am lonely without him, I keep busy, make myself join things, then wham I feel winded when I think that this is not just a few weeks I have to get through without him but forever ........... so I let the tears flow, I get through a day at a time, That’s the best I can do for now. 

I know he was the love of my life as I was his and I would give anything to change what happened and have him with me still but I can’t, so one day at a time.

love to all who find themselves here xx

Sunnysky2
Posted by

Hi beezmouse.I feel the same as you,I have.nt posted for while too.

but just logged on and your post was first I saw.

My husband died a year ago age 57.thought I was coping not too bad,then today could not stop crying and thinking what's the point.

Even though I have family and friends some days just feel so lonely.

Then I have some friends who said last year when hubby passed we must meet up once a month then have not heard from them again.

I used to like weekends but not now.I think my self lucky I have family don.t know how I would have coped without them.

I have kept all messages from his last days too and somedays can.t believe he has actually gone.

I look at his photos and start crying.then say to myself pull yourself together.

I don.t know about you but It seems harder a year on then it did earlier.I think it must be the realisation we are not going to see them again.sorry I am probably not helping you much going on.but it does seem to help writing it all down.

Any way take care and look after yourself.D.D