Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

3 years ago today.

Susie46
Posted by

3 years ago at 7:30am, the hospital rang me to tell me  Paul had died.  I wasn't expecting it as although Paul had secondary tumours in the brain, he had seemed to be recovering from the pneumonia that had confined him to hospital.  So 3 years ago today, my life with Paul ended.  And I really thought my life was over.

i still read this forum every day and my heart goes out to all of you struggling in the early stages of this horrendous journey.

I am sat here now  thinking how life has changed and how I have adapted from numbness, through pain, anger and disbelief to acceptance.   I am okay living on my own now, coming home to an empty house doesn't bother me and I have a social life I didn't think, even one year ago, I would have.  Yes, I miss Paul every day, time has not healed but it has softened the raw edges and I now think more of our happy life together, rather than the cancer years.  I have got better at masking my emotions and I can be happy most of the time.  So all in all I am in a much better place now than I have been in the three years since his death and maybe even in the seven years since cancer became our constant companion. 

I just wanted to try to bring a glimmer of hope to those of you that are in such pain now.  I know you probably think but that's years away for me, but this transition to acceptance is a gradual process that creeps up on you slowly.  It will all become easier slowly but surely.  And although time may not heal, it will pass.

Love to you all

Sue

Moostersmum40
Posted by

Thank you Sue after the morning i have had this is a nice post to read.

I'm so sorry Paul died suddenly but i'm glad that things are getting better, it is good to hear

hugs

Erica

Mush Brain
Posted by

Thank you Sue

loads of luv 

Jo

xxxxx

Charlie18
Posted by

Your words bring me hope and guidance on a dark day xxxx Thank you so much xxx

Leintwardine
Posted by

Thank you. This helps me to persuade myself to hang on patiently until the light appears at the end of a very dark tunnel. 

Leintwardine
jojowest
Posted by

Dear Sue

Thank you so much xxx

suzita
Posted by

thank you x

MelanieL
Posted by

Hi Susie46 and all.

Thank you so much for posting this. I think you are giving a lot of us hope with it.

I lost my Paul last May and, even though this is not even a year ago, I do understand what you are saying.

Had anyone told me a couple of months ago that I would be sitting here today writing these words, I would have said, "Never, I will never ever be able to live a good day again! How can I ever live a good day again when Paul is no longer here?" And I would have hated the thought of having to live a day without Paul again because this was not what I wanted.

Today, however, I am able to see the change in myself. From someone who was consumed by the pain of loss, absolutely devastated, alone and lonely, couldn't eat much, couldn't enjoy much, dreaded having to fill time when I was not with others and dreading being with others because I didn't know what to talk about and all I ever really wanted to talk about was Paul, I have changed into a person who feels the pain of loss every day, sometimes more and sometimes less, but who is able to not be consumed by it; someone who is able to be on her own, even though I still don't like it very much because I am just not and have never been that type of person; someone who is able to eat, sleep, work and socialise; and, most importantly, someone who is able to remember even during the times that feel very sad that it will change again because it always has.

Of course I miss Paul every day. I don't expect this to change. He was everything to me. My life for such a long time. We did everything together, discussed most things, shared most things, helped each other with everything, and in the last months of his life I cared for him all the time. But I do know that I am still here and he is not and that I have to accept this - and I have accepted this - because arguing with reality doesn't help. I know that sounds really rational. But sometimes I feel I need to be a bit rational and just remind myself that it is as it is and it cannot change.

Even writing this has given me a lot of clarity on where I stand at the moment. So thank you again for your post and sharing.

Love, Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.