Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Husband so angry all the rime leading up to his diagnosis

jimmychoo
Posted by

October 2017 my Husband became quite angry and started pushing me away, I could not work it out , This went on until until his diagnosis of Primary Liver cancer late November,It really hurt me to be honest , And after the Diagnosis he died 13 days later  and he was so ill i could not talk about it   15 months on i still ask myself why  he shut me out . We had been married 33 years   When the Hospital told him he had this liver cancer they asked him if he had any idea that it was cancer he said No  But thinking back i think he guessed and would not say anything    How do i get over the hurt that he was angry and shutting me out , That make me cry so much 

Jmmychoo

likido
Posted by

Hi Jimmychoo, it was not your husband, it was the cancer.  He was probably scared and worried for you.  It’s a hard road to travel.  I lost my husband 5 nearly 6 years ago and I still don’t know what he was thinking with a terminal diagnosis.  I did all I could and looked after him at home, but I don’t think I accepted it,so dont know how he could.  He was not angry with you, it was the situation.  It was very fast at only 13 days after diagnosis. So sorry for your loss.  Believe me he was probably trying to protect you. Xx

Wendy J.M.
Posted by

My husband died 

on Boxing Day.   His cancer and death was horrendous.  We had been together for 26 years and were so close but at the end he just shut down and wouldn’t talk to me.  I gave him many opportunities but he would not open up.  It was heartbreaking because we had been so close.  I can’t accept it was like this....if it had been me, I know I would have wanted to say so much to him and to carry on.  I lost my real Paul a good year before he died.  I’m just so alone with This and wish we could have talked...does anyone out there feel the same......Feeling so alone with this.

MelanieL
Posted by

Good morning everyone.

These posts sadden me very much. Please stop thinking that your husband's/partners shut you out because they didn't want you to be a part of what was happening or because they were angry at you or whatever.

Imagine what it was like for your husbands/partners. First they got a devastating diagnosis. Then, over time, they realised that they would have to leave you and in some cases their kids, their home, everything and far too early because the cancer was taking them. I think they must have lived with a lot of fear, anxiety and sadness and maybe even anger at life for doing this to them. And then there were the discomforts of the disease itself: the weakness, the tiredness, the nausea, the vomiting, the appetite loss, the inability to taste things, the headaches, the hotflashes... Also, in the end-stage of this horrible disease, they need every little strength they have to survive. There is simply no energy for long talks and maybe even heart-break.

I also think that being close to us would have meant for them to have to feel the pain of separation very much and that would have been too much to handle on top of everything else.

I am saying all this from my own experience both with bereaved spouses who come to me for treatment but mostly from my experience with my husband. I must say that I was never once angry with him for his withdrawal in the last couple of days of his life. But anger is a part of this journey of grief. And it is good I think that you can feel that now.

My husband didn't speak much in the last days of his life. It was almost as if he avoided being close with me. There were no longer hugs, kisses, cuddles. For example, one night we went to bed and he just switched off the light whereas previously he would have leaned over to kiss me. At that time, I felt hurt and I said to him, "Can you not even kiss me good night?" But now I know that, like I said before, doing it would have probably reminded him too much that it was one of the last times.

On hour way into hospital and in hospital, he didn't speak. He was lying in bed and only interacting with people when they came really close and said his name a number of times. He certainly didn't ask for anything. When I made him more comfortable in the bed later that night, I did because I knew what he would want, not because he told me to do it.

I too feel it would have been lovely if we had been able to talk more at the end. But the energy was just not there. I think we have to accept that.

Love and hugs

Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
Wendy J.M.
Posted by

Thankyou Mel.

after reading your post it has given me a greater understanding as to how Paul must have felt and I can understand now why he withdrew, almost completely unemotional, which was not him.  I did ask him one night whilst in lay in his hospital bed, if there was anything he wanted to say.  His only words were, I’m sorry.  He died with so much guilt as he was told time and time again by each consultant, that his particular cancer was brought on by smoking.  I just wished they would stop telling him this as it was just adding to the pain and suffering, knowing he had brought this on himself.  It was the only thing we ever argued about, his smoking.  Also he said that he had been so foolish.  I tried to reassure him, people die of throat cancers who have never smoked and not to cut himself up about it, although Ofcourse I knew the truth.  I can’t imagine how it must feel to know you have no one else to blame but yourself.   He was very angry with himself and that was so sad to see because he was the loveliest, gentle person imaginable.  Like many of you, he had not long retired and we imagined growing old together.    Thankyou again, you have given me an insight from his perspective.  I’m sure your message has helped a lot of people who just couldn’t get beyond this and blamed themselves.  Best wishes, Wendy.

Academicallyblonde
Posted by

Hi Jmmychoo,

For two years prior to his diagnosis, my husband had turned into a really angry person. At the time, I thought it was just stress from being made redundant but his cancer was very advanced when he was finally diagnosed so, looking back, I think that was when the disease first started. Once he had been diagnosed, he became much kinder and we got closer again.

jimmychoo
Posted by

Hi Academicallyblond                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

 I just read your post  Thank you for your reply  I know that in my last post i wrote that my Husband had been very angry But what i didnt say was it was also for around 2 years before being Diagnosed . So i agree i think that this was when it all started  He could be very sarcastic at odd times also. it broke my heart , But i just wish he had not pushed me away it was like there was a clear barrier in between us i could see him but not touch him.  I must admit that over the past 15 months since he past away i have cried over his anger    But i would like to say is Thank you  because i feel i am not alone , Someone else also wrote in there Blogg that that anger was maybe over the situation they were in and not being able to take it in   I am also sorry for your loss i know its hard 

Jmmychoo

jimmychoo
Posted by

Hi Mel                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               I have just read your Blogg, Alot of what you wrote makes sense,  And i do have to admit there were times when i never thought how he was thinking about his situation , I just wanted him to open up to me,  And like you he would go to bed and give me a peck on the cheek or kiss me before putting the light out  but for the few months even before being diagnosed he would turn over and lay on his side and ignore me , .  And yes we didnt get a chance to talk at the end as he was to weak and yes we do have to accept that  and i am still finding things hard  Time is a healer they say   Mel Thank you for your Blogg  Take care 

Jmmychoo