Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

I feel so sad.

Ruby Diamond
Posted by

I am so sad, my husbands 1st Anniversary is coming on 31st March. How he has been gone so long I really cannot comprehend 

His diagnosis was terminal adrenal cancer with no hope or treatment offered. He suffered dreadfully and our 3 children then aged 21, 17, and 12 and I watched him get more poorly over such a short period of time. Just 3 months from diagnosis to his passing. 

The shock and trauma have lessened but the loneliness has intensified for me. Our children have continued to grown and get on with their lives and I am so proud of them  

I find myself sitting alone every evening and thinking tomorrow will be the same  The children have work, college and school and it's just me and the dog all day. 

I'm proud of myself for getting us all to this awful anniversary, we have had holidays, birthdays,  Christmas all successfully enjoyed. But I just don't have anything for me. Not that I have anyone to share my achievements with., it's all so pointless. I am back to crying at bed time and looking at photos of my lovely big strong husband and cursing the waste, of his life and my future.

I don't burden my parents with my feelings as they are elderly, live 400 miles away and they can't help. I just know that everyone on here understands.

I haven't posted for a while and I'm sorry it's such a 'poor me' post when I know everyone is dealing with their own grief. 

  • Ruby diamond x
Mush Brain
Posted by

Hi Ruby

You have every right to feel ‘poor me’, it is so hard and the year anniversary must be so so difficult. You can clearly be so proud of your children and that is down to you being there for them and supporting them and them you. You and your husband built a strong and beautiful family.

I wish none of us had to come here whatever stage of this awful journey we are on it is just so hard. I am only 2 months in it seems both a lifetime and no time at all if that makes sense.  I still wish for a magic wand I could wave all this away and I wish there were words that would make you feel better.

Loads of luv and virtual hugs

Jo

xx

cumbria-col
Posted by

We're all in the same boat here and it's a very big boat. I lost my soul mate Catharine just over 4 months ago and the sadness has sometimes seemed unbearable but I have family to help me and I try to keep myself as busy as possible so I'm not thinking about her all the time. Last Christmas was hard but we got through it and the sight of my grand-daughter surrounded by all her presents helped me realise that life goes on...it has to. More than anything else I miss someone to argue with. That might seem strange to some but Cath and I would argue about anything and everything in a good natured way. I'm still here and she's not. I can't change that but she'll always be part of me.

I can accept chaos but I'm not sure it can accept me.
Parkotre
Posted by

Hi Ruby

Every word you wrote echos how I feel, like you I am so sad. I’m only coming upto 5 months on the 21st but my circumstances were similar Tony was diagnosed no treatment and passed 12 weeks later. I too have children 12,14 and 23. I cannot understand how everything carries on the same but nothing ever will be. I live in a haze just getting through one day to another. I cannot understand and believe this is it? I cannot believe it will be 5 months, time waits for no one. Life is so cruel. Don’t feel bad for your post it’s how you feel 

Always yours forever baby xxxx xxxx 
JJ59
Posted by

I can say I understand. I am at 8 months and as we approach April (my husband fell ill at the end of April and died of an incurable brain tumour in mid August) my distress at his suffering and loss are increasing. I am going through the motions at woirk and when with others, but the sadness I feel inside is huge. I miss him so much. I have no plan for a future. My only hope iand sense of purpose is in my two adult sons who are still finding their way in life. Aside from sadness  I am experiencing bouts of crippling anxiety over finance, employment and maintenance of an old house....tbings we faced together with strength. I think we live in a society that shies away from death and bereavement and there is little real understanding or support out there. Websites and phone lines are better than nothing but a long way from real warm face-to-face friendship and comfort. Those witb a loving family nearby may  be the most fortunate. Best wishes. X

JJ59
Posted by

I just read back my post and felt that although everything I've said about my feelings is true, there must be some strategies that are pulling me through from day to day. I can come up with the following.

Breathe in and breathe out. Advice passed on by a friend of a friend. At the very least, I can do that. I will get to the next day.

Remember how brave my husband was when diagnosed. Sad, distressed, but not overcome with self-pity. Never taking it out on others. If I can be just a little bit brave, I am honouring that.

Honour my husband's memory in other ways - by keeping in touch with his family (they are abroad), by keeping precious items safe, by talking about him, by remembering the happiness we had and being grateful for it. The loss is so grievous because we had truly shared lives and we were happy with each other.

By maintaining and encourage friendships. Not easy, as I have never been a very sociable or outgoing person. But where people I like have shown me friendship, I try to respond by accepting invitations and keeping in touch and remembering that kindness can't go all one way (need to listen to others and so on. 

By not doing things that drag me down or are too difficult. I don't have to. An example would be a massive drinks party held at work for someone who was leaving - I just said goodbye to that person privately.

By remembering that if the house starts to fall down, I can sell it or try to get it repaired. I can do what I can afford and no more. I am in control of what I do. I am learning that it is always best to sleep on any decisions that involve spending, to get more than one quote and to ask questions. 

To slow down when (if) I am getting distracted by too many thoughts and worries. In these moments I've had some terrible experiences with lost keys etc etc.

I hope that sounds a bit more positive and helpful, Ruby Diamond.

Take care.

Ruby Diamond
Posted by

Wow JJ59

I'm going to give myself a good talking to. 

My husband was the absolute best person, and I am not being how he would want me to be. 

He never moaned, before or during his illness .he would help anyone and always saw the best in people. He loved his family and made me a better person. 

Your post had given me strength, thank you

  • Ruby diamond x
Mush Brain
Posted by

 Hi JJ59

I think both your posts some it all up. There are days when things seem pointless and why bother. Then other days I am angry at myself as I am still here and I should make the most of my time for John.

John never complained and just took whatever was thrown at him. We did very much get through it together, battle after battle with the hospital, made some new memories once he battles were over but I came out the other side John didn’t, that is the stark reality that is hard to deal with, I lost 50% of me.  

The one thing I am learning is not to beat mussels up. I am never sure how I am going to be on days when I have woken up and felt positive things have come crashing down and other days when I start glum things have come along to make life positive and I can see a little bit into the future. Not sure any of this makes sense or is my usual garbage.

I left my debit card in the machine at the local farm shop and only remembered when I had cancelled it.....I think that’s called being a total mush brain.

loads o luv to all

Jo

xxx

MelanieL
Posted by

Hi everyone.

I completely agree with what you, Jo, described in your post. There are moments that feel really good, others feel really sad, and there are a lot of moments in between. I have been feeling okay recently and have noticed that, although I do miss Paul a lot more now that spring seems to come in with brighter evenings, bird song in the morning and this sense of that there is the start of something new, I am also more able to hold these feelings within me without too much despair. So, while the feelings of missing him are getting stronger, it is easier to accept them as my constant companion, if that makes sense.

I am almost at 10 months now. I so much wish that we could have had more healthy and happy time together. When I remember this time in 2016, we had just bought this house and were about to move in - the excitement and joy, so much expectation for a happy future together, very few thoughts about an end only two years later... It is heart-breaking. He was everything to me and it is difficult without him.

I hope you are all as okay as can be on this Sunday.

Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
MelanieL
Posted by

Hi JJ59,

What a beautiful post. Very good and helpful reminders for all of us I think.

Love and hugs

Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.