Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

Six months on and really struggling,any advice please

Val66
Posted by

Hello,I lost my wonderful husband September 2018.We were married 52years,From being diagnosed with panriatic cancer he lasted just three weeks.it was a horrendous shock as when he was admitted to hospital we thought he only had gallbladder problem.,I’m trying so hard to put on a brave face in front of the family as I know they are grieving to.I feel as if I have lost my right arm,we did everything together.,just writing this the tears are flowing,We were never ones to mix a lot so don’t have close friends so I just feel so alone and lost,.how do I ever carry on and have some sort of life without him.I know I’m not the only person to ever go through this so any advice please...

Val47
Wife0f26years
Posted by

Hi 

Oh my goodness you had no time to begin to process he was poorly let alone then losing your husband.

I am now 7 months plus so a bit ahead. You really need to share your grief with your family or doctor. I think we think we should be coming to terms or getting through. This is an individual journey allow yourself to grieve  accept it's going to rise and flow. Take your time and concentrate on today. 

We're  here for you and so so sorry about your husband this illness is no better long or short. Sending best wishes xxx 

Val66
Posted by

Aww thank you for your reply,Wasn’t sure about writing any message but thought others like yourself would understand,so sorry to hear about your loss, so can understand you will be struggling to.I’m normally such a strong person i was always the organiser in the family,but just trying to make the smallest decision has me panicking now. I have spoken to my doctor who prescribed tablets but don’t really want to go down that road.Each morning I tell myself I will be ok,but then just the smallest thing goes wrong and the tears flow.Best wishes to you,and thank you once again for your reply.xxx

Val47
Sarah2nd
Posted by

Hi Val

I am very sorry to hear about your husband. You’ve been through a very traumatic experience & I bet you were a great strength to your husband when he really needed you the most. 

I found the 6 month mark difficult too- there was the sense that time was slipping by, that I was processing what had happened more fully , & so feeling it more too. If I’m honest the 6 month mark felt significant, like may be I should feel or have reached a certain point In grieving, when really you just feel devastated inside & it starts to dawn on you that this is how it’s going to be. 

Once I got to about 7 & a half months it did start to get a bit easier. I am nearer the 10 months now but I am learning to live along side the grief. although I am consumed by it at times, it’s not the same raw grief of the early days & I don’t feel the need to be strong all the time now in order for others to feel it’s ok around me. 

I don’t know if any of this helps, feel like I’m waffling, but I do get it, especially when you know others look to you to be strong. You are still strong though, it’s just at the moment you need to be kind to you, & it’s easy to get overwhelmed, especially if you’re normally more of a coper. Really though, all you can do is make the best decisions you can at the time & give yourself credit for all you are doing & achieving. But for the record, I was similar at the same point in this journey as you are now. Hope this helps. 

May today be a better day for you 

Sarah x

Val66
Posted by

Just been reading what you wrote Sarah..Its exactly six months today,it was the 5th of September which is also our daughters birthday.ive spent some time with family today,and taken flowers to the cemetery,knew today would be hard.Six months has just gone by so quickly,And no you were not waffling you were very understanding as you are also going through the process.So thank you for your kind words,means a lot as people here understand.Was unsure about joining the group,but I think in time it may help.      Hope your day has been good to you.Val x           

Val47
MelanieL
Posted by

Hi Val and all.

Val, I am so sorry for your loss. You have been going through so much and I can read from your message how difficult you are finding it to cope and go on at the moment. I think it is great, though, that you are writing in this forum as we all here are here to listen and to understand.

I didn't find the six-months mark particularly difficult I must say, not more difficult than any other day or week. I resonate a lot with what Sarah wrote; I don't feel overwhelmed by the grief anymore either but have learned to live alongside it. I just noticed it today when I was at the hair-dresser's because I got my hair coloured red, and the lady asked me, "What will your husband say?" And, without tears, without even feeling the usual heaviness around my heart, I said to her, "I wish I could ask him" and then I explained to her why I couldn't do it. So in a way it feels like now that I am nearly 10 months on this journey I can live with the grief rather than being consumed by it all of the time.

I hope today was a little better for you. Be kind to yourself. There is nothing to achieve on this journey and you don't have to be strong for anyone. This journey is yours, it is unique, and the main thing now is that you look after yourself and do what is right for you. Don't try to protect anyone from the way you feel especially not the family as they are the closest to you and it would be good if you could all share your grief I think.

Best wishes

Mel

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
Val66
Posted by

Hi Mel,thank you so much for your message and kind words,I’m still at the stage of been weepy whenever anyone asks how I’m coping,but hopefully like yourself it will get better,It’s only been a few days since I joined the forum but so glad I did as people seem so understanding,and like yourself are coming to terms with their own loss,but find time to   Be there for others.So once again thank you.I hope things continue to get better for you...best wishes,Val

Val47