Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

the real fight

IanB42
Posted by

Hold on in Jocelyn1.

Thinking of you and how your feeling

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day

IanB42

Jocelyn1
Posted by

Thank you IanB42

Jocelyn1
Posted by

I'm thinking about Henry every day, when i get up, at lunch, in the evening and when i go to bed. Does anyone else have this? It feels like this will never pass even though people say it will eventually get better. I understand it's a process i need to go through, but it just feels like a tunnel without light at the end right now...

This probably doesn't make my grieving process any easier, but i ordered a memorial diamond made from ashes (the company, heart in diamond, call it cremation jewellery and you can see it here if you don't believe me), has anyone else done this? I'm still waiting for it to be delivered, i'm worried it's a waste of money but just wanted something close to me... Does that sound awkward or is there anyone else that understands that need?

deedot
Posted by

Hi Jocelyn.  Of course you still think about your husband everyday. That is a natural thing, especially if you had  been together for a long time,

you will never stop thinking of him or remembering the good times you spent together, the things you shared etc and although you will still always  do this you honestly will find it easier as time goes by., just remember all the fun times you had , look at old photos and videos now and again, you will cry at first but soon they do give you comfort, at least you did enjoy those years together. And I now look at old videos and remember we did share 54 years and how lucky I was to have him for that long. 

I do hope your memorial diamond arrives soon and gives you comfort , and your money is not wasted if it does , best wishes. Dee x

foreveryours
Posted by

Hi Jocelyn,

Of course you think about your husband every day. Why wouldn't you? He was (and remains) a huge part of your life. You will remember the good times and the not so good times. You will think about him especially whenever there is a special date or event coming up. This is as it should be and is perfectly normal. Even 10 years on my husband features greatly in the lives of myself and my family (even the grandchildren who never met him but talk about him as if they did). As Dee has said, it does in time get easier to deal with. The memorial diamond is a great idea and I know several people who have had items of jewellery made up and find comfort from it. Take care and be kind to yourself.

Love and angel hugs xxx Patricia xxx

Sarah2nd
Posted by

Dear Jocelyn1

I think about my husband all the time & I’m sure most people can relate to what you’ve written. It does improve with time, less existing more living & I can now honestly say that I am learning to live alongside the grief, still grieving but beginning to live again too & you will in time.  (I’m almost 11 months in)

I think the Jewelry sounds a lovely idea- my daughter had a ring made from her dad’s ashes & it has given both of us comfort & at times courage when we’ve needed it to see her wearing it. I didn’t have one made originally as I’m got my wedding ring but I’m seriously considering seeing if anyone could alter it to include my husband’s ashes as I didn’t want a separate ring. 

Deedot & forever yours

can I just say thankyou so much for replying to this original post &  helping us all to see that the grief will not in time feel as acute as it does now. I for one, have been touched & encouraged by your posts so thanks to you both for responding. 

Sarah x

foreveryours
Posted by

Dear Sarah,

I feel that it is important to try to help others who are travelling this unwanted path. In the early days I had lots of support from people on the macmillan sites. It helps you to understand that a) you are not alone in your feelings at this uncertain time of your life. b) that it will not always seem so difficult and full of despair (although it is hard to comprehend that this will ever be the case). c) that you have a safe place to vent yur feeling and know that you will not hurt or distress your close family memvbers.

I hope that as time goes by you will both begin to feel less 'alone' and be able to start 'living' again. Yes it is hard and sometimes it can feel like a betrayal to even laugh but I feel sure that our loved ones would not want that to be the case. I decided at some point along the way that I needed to start to live for both of us. Ray had a zest for life and would have hated me to give up on mine because he was no longer here. I have to tell you though that things which happened during the first five years after he passed are very hazy in my mind and many things seem to have totally bypassed my memory. Do not feel bad if your memory is failing you at times as that seems to be a major factor in the grieving process for some people. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself cry, laugh, be sad, be happy. I hope this helps in some small way.

Love and angel hugs,

Patricia. xx

deedot
Posted by

Hi Patricia. 

I so agree with everything you have said,

I credit this Macmillan website and this group for helping me get through everything at the time after my husbands death, I used to log on in the sleepless nights and there was always someone to chat to feeling the same as I was , no matter what time it was. So please , everyone who is going through bereavement,  keep on visiting this group. It really helps. As everyone understands your pain and heartache and chatting helps enormously . 

I also joined another group when I was diagnosed with womb cancer 12 years ago and that also helped me get through the Hysterectomy and Radiotherapy I had to go through, and talking to others  with the same cancer was helpful and I was able to help others too at that time sharing treatments and worries. 

My thoughts are with everyone who is dealing with cancer  and praying that one day soon a cure will be found.   

Bless you all Dee x

MelanieL
Posted by

Hi Patricia and everyone,

Just to say that your post really touched me. It was beautiful to read how you have been feeling, particularly when you said that at some point you felt you had to start living for the both of you because Ray wouldn't want you to give up on your life because he is no longer with you.

Love and keep posting,

Mel.

I don't like "moving on" because it sounds like leaving our loved one and all that happened behind. But I like "moving forward" because it means that, in spite of my tremendous loss and the pain about that, I move forward in my own life taking Paul with me.
foreveryours
Posted by

Hello all,

Mel, I totally agree with you about the term 'moving on'. It does feel like we are leaving them behind. In reality we take them with us in our own way. I use the term 'making a new normal'. The old 'normal' no longer exists. It feels like a hundred lifetimes since that happened. My 'new normal' involves me making all my own decisions with noone to 'bounce off'. It felt very odd at first and still does  at times. One of the hardest times for me was when the New Year came round. Not only was it a New Year but a new decade too. I found that strangely difficult to cope with. We all have our demons to cope with and we all do it in the best way we can and noone else can do it for us. No matter who we have lost that grief is unique to us. For each person I have lost my grief has been different but losing Ray has been the hardest of all. I guess that is because he was my best friend, my partner in crime and in life, my soulmate. We weren't 'the perfect couple'. We were a normal couple who had our ups and downs but we got through them. 34years and 3months of marriage can't be that bad can it. Sadly nature robbed us of any further time together. He used to sing the Beattles song 'When I'm 64' to me so when that birthday came around it hit me hard. It was as if the universe was trying to rub it in my face. Stupid I know but it is the little things isn't it?

Take care all and be kind to yourselves. As Dee said, there is always someone out there who understands some of what you are feeling. We can all empathise but can never truly understand your grief because that grief is yours and yours alone.

Love and Angel hugs xx

Patricia. xxx