Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

the real fight

LittleH
Posted by

How did the group go? Our hospice don`t do a group. Hope it helped xxx

foreveryours
Posted by

Hi Helen, I went to the group and found myself in a one to one conversation with a councellor.  There were not many people there so another councellor joined us. I am so priviledged to have this oportunity.  I discussed a few things which were bothering me and which I know no-one but myself can sort out. They reassured me that 31 weeks is still very early stages in bereavement times and that I should not beat myself up about things over which I have no control. I was reassured that as time goes on my memory should start to improve again.  I hope so because at the moment it is useless. They also said that it is quite normal to feel utterly drained and exhausted following bereavement.  I thought it was just me being wimpy.

I hope that you are doing ok.

Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

 

 

weebill
Posted by

hi patricia, glad to read your post, i've just taken the plunge and am going to arrange to see a counsellor because i can't seem to make sense of things, my memory is utterly terrible at the moment, i keep forgeting the simplest things and worry it won't get any better, but your wee post encouraged me. blessings, bill

LittleH
Posted by

Hi Patricia

Glad you found it useful. Glad also it`s not just me with the absolute exhaustion!! Have been blaming it on work and was wondering whether to get my iron levels checked. Just stick with it eh??

I`m not too bad this week, better than last week which isn`t too difficult

Helen xxx

foreveryours
Posted by

Weebill, so glad that you are taking the plunge and organising some councelling for yourself.  It is an amazing journey we are on isn't it. Not one I particularly like I have to say.

Helen, I was quite amazed when they said about exhaustion.  It kind of made me feel better.  Might be worth getting your bloods checked anyway. You never know it could be something to do with low Hb too. 

I seem to have hit rock bottom again this past few days.  I am not surprised by this because it always seems to happen when I have had a few reasonable days.

Take care all. Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

weebill
Posted by

thanks patricia, its such an unusual thing all us people on a journey weneither wanted or particularly enjoy, yet the strange thig is that the journey is our journey. i do find myself wondering what sandra and i would be doing if this dreadful disease hadn't separated us so cruelly. its a hard process adjusting to what i call the 'new normality' which is what it is since life must go on. thanks so much for your words and thoughts, blessings, bill

anniet
Posted by

Patricia

It's now three weeks since Robert died.   Today was our ruby wedding anniversary - we had been together 42 years and married 40.  How will I go on without him 

foreveryours
Posted by

Dear Annie, i am so sorry to hear of your great sadness and sorrow.  three weeks is very early days and you will still be feeling very numb I expect.  It is very difficult to envisage a life without your lifelong partner and soul mate. I myself find it hard to comprehend that I am never ever going to see my beloved Ray or feel his arms around me.  I have to try to get on with my life because I owe it to Ray to make the most of what I have.  we did everyhting together in the last few years, especially since he was diagnosed.  Now it seemes like there is a great big empty hole in my life.

i hope that in time you can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Keep posting on here where you can get support from others. One step at a time Annie. Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

LittleH
Posted by

Annie, as Patricia said it is very early days for you. But you have done well by getting through such a big milestone. Look after yourself and just take a day at a time. Keep posting as this site has been such a help for me

Helen xxx

deedot
Posted by

Hello to everybody, I have just read all your posts and find it strangely comforting to know I am not the only one going through these feelings, My husband of 54 years died in february and I still get upset a lot, tears flow often, anything can set me off,I thought I was the only one who finds home my comfort blanket, my 2 daughters keep trying to get me to stay with them for weekends but I find that I feel even more lonely when I am with my family, I am always the odd one out as they are all couples, thay cannot understand why I feel like this, but Brian and I spent most of our time together,[unless he was on the golf course!! ] we were so close and I miss him so much. I am now trying to go out more,my bus pass is a boon as I dont drive,but as you all know we still have to come home to a lonely house and that it so very hard. people say it will get easier, I do really hope so, my best wishes to all of you in this group.cheers from Dee.

 

 

foreveryours
Posted by

Dee, I am glad that you have found some comfort from reading these posts. It can be a great help to know that others feel some of what you are feeling. your girls son't understand because their grief is differne to yours.  i did not fully understand what dad was going through after mum died (they were married for 52 years). Oh I knew he would be very sad (that is putting it mildly) but I never truly realised the devastation that had come into his life until I lost my darling Ray. He was my rock after Ray died though because he understood so well how I was feeling and what I was going through. I feel sad that I was unable to give him the support he needed but I did my best.

It is difficult sometimes taking part in family events.  Feeling like the apare part. 

I hope that you do make the most of your bus pass.  Sometimes just riding out can be good.   I have been told by some people how they get on a bus and do the round trip without ever getting off the bus.

Love and angel hugs x x patricia  x x

Sandypops
Posted by

I noted with interest what you said about the bus passes.  I can't seem to go out on my own.  The furthest I have managed is our local shop.  I have sciatica so find walking difficult.  I do go out to the shops etc. with my daughter but can't walk far and feel I am keeping her back.  I had a shower the other night and told myself I was going to go out.  Into town or to bingo.  I put my coat on got to the front door but couldn't do it.  I came back in and just cried.  I feel so alone.   When I am with other people I feel sort of disconnected.  Often sitting lost in my own thoughts.  I hate when someone asks me how I am doing.  I say I am putting one foot in front of the other but what I really want to say is I don't want to be here without him.   Sorry if this makes anyone uncomfortable.  I did wonder if counselling would help but don't see how as the probability is that I will be talking to someone who hasn't had this experience.  I feel so sad for all of you and would love to be able to take your pain away.  Love and hugs

deedot
Posted by

Hi Sandypops. 

I got an email today about your reply to my post .  I was amazed as that was posted in 2009. 10 years ago !

But I thought I would reply as it may help you to know how I am doing now  

I can promise you that it does get easier , you will never ever get over it but you do learn to live with it, nothing is ever the same, and you will always miss your husband, over 10 years on and I still miss him and can still feel lonely even when with my large family. but life does go on and you do need to sometimes force yourself to do things  go out  , go shopping. use your bus pass to go places make new friends etc etc 

if you have a local volunteer bus service where you live please use that  you meet lots of people on them and as you see the same people every time you soon have chats and create new friends.

i still feel alone and lonely lots of times  but that won’t change and you really mustn’t give in, I always think people  family included can never fully understand the pain we go through but they dont want to be with someone who is depressed or down who cries a lot as that pulls them down too.so I try and always be cheerful.

so I am strong when I am with people and try and keep cheerful  it does make a big difference  and makes them feel better that you are coping. 

8 years ago I had a knee replacement and am having the other one done soon so I do understand your walking difficulties but I use a stick and still go out  have just learnt where all the seats, benches etc are to rest little and often .I won’t give in and you mustn’t or you will get more down than you are now  

it will take time but it will get easier  so please remain positive  and I will happily chat to you again if you would like me too, I am helping my Daughters mother -in- law who is going through this and she says it really helps to talk to me as I understand how she feels  

All the best to you from Dee xx

foreveryours
Posted by

Hi Sandypops,

So sorry that you are on this unwanted 'journey'. it can be very daunting and extremely tiring trying to keep your emotions in check. I often ask myself why we feel the need to do that. The answer of course being that we don't want others to see how much we are hurting. Like Dee it is 10 years since my husband passed. It seems like forever but at the same time like no time at all. In the early days I used to go out every single day to a local shopping centre. I would buy things for birthdays and Christmas with certain people in mind but my memory being shot to pieces at that point, I would often forget I had bought these things and go through the same process again and again. It got so bad that one year I did ALL my Christmas shopping in the upstairs bedroom. In fact..... I am still 'shopping' in that bedroom from time to time. In the early days the emotional turmoil seems insurmountable and I feel sure that you will not believe anyone who says it does eventually become less 'acute'.  There are still times even now when the pain hits but it happens less often now. Famile events were (and often still are) quite hard to deal with. Whilst people understand you are grieving, they don;t fully comprehend the fact that you want that special person with you and feel so sad that they are not here to share these occasions with you. It was very strange getting notifications from this post but I feel that it was meant to be. Take care and be kind to yourself . It is ok to be sad. It is ok to cry and good to let your empotions free. Sometimes it is good to talk to people other than your family as you can be totally honest about how you feel without fear of upsetting family.  Take care.

Love and angel hugs... Patricia xx

Jocelyn1
Posted by

That documentary was brave... I could hardly keep it dry. There are support groups but it still feels nobody understands you and i still feel alone. I just want my husband back, and i find it hard to move on. Therapists can say all they want, but does it really matter? I don't want to sound too depressed but that's just how i feel right now.