My bag is all packed to go and visit my stepdaughter and grandchildren for a week in Spain. Haven't seen her for 3 months, since the week after her dad's funeral.
Haven't seen any of my son in laws family since their wedding a year ago this week.
I'm dreading it. I didn't think I was worried about the flight - I've flown all over on my own. Except Spain. Have only ever gone there with him. Suddenly it all just seems terribly hard. I'm sick of being brave and strong. I want to be looked after. I want hugs.
I'm just having one of those - what do you mean I'll never see him again- times. You all know the ones. When you look round the empty shell of what was a loving home and you realise that no actually, this IS all there is.
Just another first, innit? Whether we like it or not we gave to go through them all but dear God I'm heartily exhausted with it.
Love and strength ❤️
We all need a reassuring hug now and again.
I feel your loneliness and think it’s so natural.
The void your partner leaves can never be filled, but I’m hoping time will heal that to some degree. I know I hope and pray for some relief of the pain.
Spot on Balibee... isn't it strange how we absolutely know that they have gone from our lives and yet still find ourselves puzzled and disbelieving, feeling that this just can't be true? So hard to actually accept. And yes it's endlessly exhausting. Grief definitely sucks!
But huge, massive chuffty-badge high-fives to you for going off to Spain to see the family. Sounds like a really good plan, particularly if the grandchildren are the huggy type - know it's not the same as a hug from your lovely man, but a bit of love and a few cuddles is a big help. I've just had a pile of my step grandchildren round for lunch, all great at cwtching, and I feel so much better for it.
Do hope it goes well.
Totally understand everything you feel. Thoughts are with you.
Sending you lots of hugs.
My daughter has booked a two week holiday to Gran Canaria for us. Feel really apprehensive and scared to how I will feel as went there with my husband. And then have to,come home to an empty house. I have two dogs and the loss of my husband on 15 Sept has made me paranoid of what will happen if something happens to me as I do not have any family or friends who could take them. Yes everything is so hard particularly mornings for me.
Hopefully this will be a step forward and make,things just a bit more bearable for the future.
Fingers crossed and lots of hugs
I so understand what you are saying, Balibee. I used to travel on my own often to visit family and friends abroad. I haven't been in over 3 years now with caring for Tony. I am apprehensive about everything including the dreaded TSA in America. I am going there on Dec 5th through the holidays.When either of us were travelling in years past we still spoke every day. Then the thought of coming back and not having Tony waiting at the arrivals for me with the biggest happy smile to greet me is nearly more than I can bear. To top it off, I'd get back home and my cat would be excited as well, but he died a few months before Tony. Now it will be empty. Nonetheless, I am going to go and try to have the best time I can with my family. Tony would not want his cancer to rob me of one more minute of my life either.
It just does seem terribly hard. I don't want to have to be brave and strong either. I had enough of that as a carer. I guess we just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep trying. The alternative sounds even worse.
I hope you have a grand time in Spain. I'm going to try to remember all the happy times Tony and I had visiting my family instead of wishing he was with me because that just causes me more grief. Easier said than done...
Hi.....haven’t been on here for a few weeks as I’ve been away on a 2 week holiday with my daughter. I enjoyed the holiday as we went to Mexico and Derek never wanted to go there. I did things on holiday that I hadn’t done before but it has been so hard since I came home to an empty house. The last day of the holiday I stood in the sea and broke my heart because I knew I had to come home and he wouldn’t be there. Since coming home I just seem to end up crying for the least thing. It would have been our 43rd wedding anniversary next week and at the end of the months it’s the inquest(because he died of mesothelioma). I think everything has started to get real and I’m realising that I won’t see him again. It’s 18 weeks since he died but seems like yesterday some days.
I hope you enjoy your holidays Balibee and get lots of cuddles off your grandchildren. As you said it’s another first and there seems to be lots of them lately.
Loads of huge Hugs Balibee. X Elaine
Hi Balibee it is very brave of you to go off to Spain alone at this time but I hope that when you get there you will enjoy spending time with the grandchildren and perhaps have some time to relax yourself away from the painful memories at home. As you say these are all firsts and we have only two options _ to keep going or go under exhausting though it may be. I have r ceived invitations to visit my partner's Family at distance over Xmas and my nephew here in my area. I veer between feeling a holiday away would be good, to preferring to stay at home , alone most evenings where I feel secure but lonely. Hope you have a safe and positive journey and visit. x
I read your post and profile with interest as it shares some similarities with my situation. I live in the same area and my husband was treated in the same hospitals as your husband. He too had mesothelioma and died ten weeks ago - only eight weeks from onset of symptoms.
The loneliness feeling is awful, but as I’ve said before I find I can feel lonely in a room full of people as the one person i want is not with me.
I’m worrying about the inquest too, although it’s not until February. I think it’s because I don’t know what to expect.
I hope you had a nice holiday with your daughter. Another similarity - myself and my two children have booked a trip to Mexico next August. Husband never wanted to go there either as he hated the heat.
Anyway I’m waffling on but just wanted to say thinking of you and your family. Take care x
I've only just seen your post Balibee and expect you are now in Spain. I hope your flight went well (also all that hanging about in the airport) and you received warm hugs from your family. I know it's not the same as a great big, warm hug from your husband but reassuring contact, would have helped I'm sure.
Like you, I'm sick of being brave and strong and all that crap and just want someone to wave a magic wand and do all the ruddy paperwork, visit the lawyers, do the garden and the house and leave me alone!! I decided to put the log burner on today as it was cold and I wanted to burn confidential waste and I haven't used the room much since my husband died (only when expecting people) and there I was, sitting looking at his empty chair in the full and certain knowledge that he would never be sitting in it again.
Another hurdle for you to get through Balibee, another first and lots of them coming up as we head for the 'season to be jolly'! I too am exhausted and have been making myself ill. I'm now going to ease up and stop going out and about so much just for the sake of 'getting on with it'.
I hope you have a restful and loving break in Spain.
Warm hugs from a distance.
After my meltdown at home on Thursday I went to the airport on Friday and (assisted by rabbiting like an idiot with my whole life story to both my taxi driver and the poor lovely lady who served me in duty free) had a straightforward flight over to be met by my stepdaughter with the best hug I've had in forever.
Today I sat through a glorious lunch in my son in laws parents house, surrounded by noise and love and understanding about one word in 20 whilst helping to polish off the biggest paella I've ever seen.
Later my stepdaughter and I sat on the porch of her house and watched a fabulous storm and I cried, but just a little, and to myself.
It's hard. But life is hard, and I'm so glad I came.
Thank you all for your words of comfort and support x
Brilliant post Balibee! Special edition holiday chuffty-badge will be waiting for you on your return.
Hi Daffodil72..... So sorry to hear about your husband. It’s a horrible disease and it was horrific watching someone you love suffer so much. Don’t worry about waffling on .....anything that helps us is ok by me. I’m dreading the inquest too,even more so as it gets nearer. I’ll let you know what happens. Are your children still at home with you? My daughter lives a few miles away but my son and his family live very loca.Mexico was lovely and I hope you have a really good time there. Anytime you want to talk or waffle on just get in touch.
Loads of hugs xx
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