Bereaved spouses and partners

A place for widows and widowers to share their feelings and support one another.

It's okay not to be okay?

Louiserose
Posted by

My hubby, soul mate and work partner, reluctantly left us just before Christmas and his funeral was on 6th Jan

He'd often said that it may smart a bit and boy does it smart!!

Trying to pick up the pieces following a lifetime with him is so very, very difficult and I try to remind myself of our love - his bravery, sense of humour and intelligence and on a grey day today, it just makes me cry even more.

At home today wading through the endless paperwork and feel so down and distracted by the fact that I'm no longer his carer and will have to transfer to this new arena.

As a family we have been so strong against the odds for well over a year, but now it's just me at home surrounded by his memory.

Managed a few days back at work but keep expecting him to walk in. At times I fear I may be going a little crazy and I talk to him as if he is still here.

Trying to keep busy and positive, but boy is this grieving thing difficult.

"Small steps and one day at a time"

 

Judy51
Posted by

Hi Louiserose,

So sorry you have had to join us here in our virtual family, you will get such support here as we all know how as you say this grieving thing is so difficult..

I am alot further on now and with the small steps and taking it day by day it does gradually get easier to live alongside the Grief, and make our other halves proud of us.. But it is like a rollercoaster up and down from one day to the next in the early days/months...

I like your poster ...and Yes it definitely is OK not to be Ok all of the time... I have a folder full of quotes and this is one of them..

Take it slowly it is such early days for you..... ((( Hugs ))).... Judy x

Louiserose
Posted by

Thank you Judy so very much for your reply and I take heart from hearing that it does get easier

Never taken too easily to change, yet alone change beyond my control and as you say it's early days

Comforting to know someone was listening

Love to read more quotes too

Night, night

X

Widower9
Posted by

Hello, and welcome, it is not easy at first, that's the truth, but if you can just take one minute at a time, then the hour, and a day, bit by bit as you will hear on this forum it will slowly ease, we all grieve in our own ways, some have family and friends to help, others like me had to do it on their own, no matter how you do it, things will get lighter on your shoulders, and the emotional pain will lift too, I had a terrible time, just read some of our input, you will find that you too have some of what others have been through, if you are with insurance companies for car, or any vehicle, best bet is to change company, and tell them you do not use the vehicle much, also just deal with the important paper work for the first few weeks, by all means get the rest ready, it will not bother you so much, welcome again I hope we can all help you.

Nyree
Posted by

Hi Louiserose,

I'm so sorry ...  it's not a group anyone would want to join, and the first couple of months are such a whirl of feelings, and hurt, and having to do Stuff that you don't want to do, and deal with the sudden huge hole that  used to be all the caring work and where all your energy went. 

Talking to him is NOT crazy. It's a sensible thing to do, on the basis that there's a lot to suggest that actually, he may well still be there, just in a different form.  Now the pressure to be Brave and Positive has lifted, the grief comes rolling in... and yes, your brain has a huge, huge adjustment to make.

This is my Brain/computer thought, that I've put up a few times and seems to be helpful to some;

Imagine your brain is a computer, which has just had a change of operating system, and a new motherboard installed. It's got a huge amount of work to do, to adjust to the new hardware and software.  Most of this work goes on in the background, not really noticeable, but taking up the majority of the computer's available computing capacity.  So suddenly it's crawling along, hardly working at all, and you can't see why, but after a few months the process allows more RAM into the conscious working section, and things like concentration, memory, capacity for work slowly improve.  It can take a long time, it all depends on how much the computer is being asked to do while processing the change, and how efficient it is in the first place...  but one thing is for sure.  It can't be stopped, it can't be changed, or hurried up, it will just happen in its own time, and there's no seeming logic or sense or control to it.   All you can do is let it happen, and not demand too much of your computer in case it crashes!

And eventually all the files are re-allocated, the defrag programme runs a final time, the new systems are in place, and you feel that you're back 'online'.  It's not like it was before - and you can't go back to how it was before - but the new system, once you've got used to it, works pretty well.  There are, of course, a number of 'immovable files' of grief that pop up now and then and throw you into confusion and tears, but they're nothing like the great waves of grief you had before. The 'New Normal' has been installed, and on you go. 

I've been widowed nearly ten months now, and this group has been a real lifesaver - it's a huge comfort to be able to post anything, rant and rage, and know that the people reading it understand because they've been through it too.  The support and love is wonderful.  

Welcome, and big hugs.

Louiserose
Posted by

Thank you for replying and sorry you had such a terrible time - nasty business is grieving and keeps catching me out!

Found your words comforting

Good point about the car insurance

It's his mobile phone that troubled me - can he bring the death certificate in? Really, no I don't think so.  Still trying to deal with that one - endless forms to fill in.  One bank down, one to go.  It just feels like he's being removed and I hate that

Pensions to tackle next - keep looking at the paperwork and doing everything I can to avoid it

Trying to keep positive 

Louiserose
Posted by

Loved the brain/computer analogy and even shared it with my mum

Thank you so much for finding the time to reply - you've made a difference in trying to re-wire my thought process

Hugs back

Nyree
Posted by

Loved the brain/computer analogy and even shared it with my mum

Thank you so much for finding the time to reply - you've made a difference in trying to re-wire my thought process

Hugs back

I'm so pleased to be able to help, even a little.  I'm in a particularly scatty phase at the moment, supposed to be drawing up year-end accounts for a local organisation, and I have everything I need to do it, but I'm doing ANYTHING else rather than actually get ON with it! 
Widower9
Posted by

If it's a contract phone, just take the certificate in, and explain it is no longer needed, I know it hurts to start casting your partner out, but it needs doing, I had sore points doing it, it made me cry in the bank explaining what I was doing, but some people will take on-board what you are doing, and I could be against the law not to change things like phone/bank/insurance/ and all the other documents we have to alter. I think people has been fraudulent in the past using dead partners details to obtain credit and cash, some people will stoop so low they could limbo under a snake......

Nyree
Posted by

I had to deal with closing  bank accounts, and I must say that the bank people were really nice about it. I had to go downtown, with the Death Certificate, and everything was frozen from that moment on.  I know it feels like you're slowly shutting down and deleting your darling's presence in this world... well, that's true, but it does hurt.  It's important to notify the bank so no possibility of fraud can arise. 

Widower9
Posted by

I changed my Ann's phone sim, I am going to keep it going until it is of no longer us has run out, I sort of though at first it would keep me a sort of life line, I keep her email open, just in case I want to use it, don't really know why, but it makes sense to me in a way. I did not want to close Ann out of my life, but in a way it cannot be helped, so I am trying to keep some things open if you all know what I'm sort of saying, O'h it is getting to the point where she will no longer be visible to the outside world, only the photogragh's will make her real in a way, this is what I think Ann was trying to tell me last summer when she told me not to mourn her and to get on and enjoy what I have left, she was a little darling to say that, but I will not do what she said in getting her out of my life, I need something to hold onto, I sometimes don;t reason with death as I should, I want to hold onto Ann for myself.

Can anyone tell me how I can upload a photo of Ann.

Widower9
Posted by

Hi, just had word that Ann's older sisters husband has passed away, he had altzhimers disease, " think Ispelled it wrong", he was in hos eighties, I sent a txt saying she is in my thoughts, he was muslim so he has been buried yesterday, that's fast, he only passed the other day.

YRV2017
Posted by

Hi widower9...a week after my husband passed away I learned a cousin of mine passed away due to complications with diabetes. Even though we were not close, I found myself crying for her...I wasn't projecting my own pain, I was genuinely thinking about the pain of her son and husband. You are right, until we go through an experience like this we have no idea how much it hurts but when we know...there is no way we can ignore it.

Hugs

Widower9
Posted by

Hey YRV2017, my brothers and sisters in law are all getting on bar the youngest, he is the same age as I am, so there may be more funerals soon on the agenda, I can't bring myself to attend, they are aware of this fact, I am not trying to be selfish, i can't bring myself to face it so very soon after my darlings funeral, if I sound weak, then yes, it took my strength away doing the ceremony for Ann, that day I was in stunned silence, I have no idea how I managed to get through the ordeal, I must have just drifted in a dream state, all I really remember was standing up after the eulogy looking at the closed curtains then turning away from the place i had just left my wife, walking along the path out to the gardens and everyone just looking in my direction, when I got home i felt numb, then the emotional pain started, that was my first real day for grieving, it has eased, but really still there in the background. I never want to forget Ann, but she is slipping away with each passing day.........O'h how I love her, it is a love that will no longer be returned by her, it is so sad.......................................................................

Widower9
Posted by

Hi YRV2017, you seem to be on an even keel mind set with me, it seems so strange, I did cry over My brother in law's demise, even though he had been ill, he managed to make it to my Ann's ceremony in October 2016, but Ann;s sister Val, she showed her true colours to all her family. Ann and Val had a small difference of opinion back in Nov 2015, at that time Val had been taking Ann back and forward to James Cooke for treatment, on the morning of one of Ann's last appointments for chemo Val was late to the house, so Ann phoned to find out if she was on her way, Val explained that she was not turning up, shock horror, Ann desparatly phone round and finally got a lift, it as a close shave though.

Then on the last day of Ann's life she told one of her siblings to tell Val she had forgiven her for the problem between them, and that she wanted to make peace, can she come to the hospital, phone calls were made, no answer got, later that evening Val contacted one of her brothers saying I will go alone tomorrow evening, Ann passed away after quickly deteriorating rapidly, and she passed around 23.00, I missed Ann by about 20 minutes, I could not get there on time, you see she never wasted to pass away alone, I had promised to be by her side, sadly I unfortunately let her down, but Val never even turned up at the ceremony, stating she had fallen over hurting her knee, everyone knows she has a wheelchair in her loft.

Only the wheel of life will sort that one out, I have promised my in-laws I will never speak to her or her husband ever again for what they did to my poor little Ann, I have walked passed them several times now, 3 times in Morrison's Berwick hills Middlesbrough, and also at a house where they both look after a garden for a doctor, bearing in mind both of them are on long term sick, so if anyone is reading this abd want to earn some cash from the D.W.P., I can show you where to look, I will not put them in the brown sticky stuff, but anyone else is welcome to do so, if they wish.

You could say I dislike both of them from my heart, but I cannot say I hate them, it is too strong, O'h my poor baby, her hand was held out in honest forgiveness, and it was ignored................