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Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Lost my Daddy 7 Days from diagnosis. Heartbroken so many questions...

Minniemoo21
Posted by

Hi I intended joining this page for support as we were told my Dad has stage 4 cancer widespread with no treatment options and had months to live. That prognosis was wrong and I lost my hero 7 days after having the discussion with Consultant. I am struggling I don’t want to be here and I can’t believe I lost him so quickly. For him I’m glad it was quick but for me I just can’t pull myself together. I’ve had loss before but nothing comes close to this. So many failures because of covid, they submitted a form ds1500 and for the first time  in his life he said “he would get something back from government”. However he died within a week of form being completed and I’ve heard nothing. So we didn’t know what he would get and will he get what’s due even though he died so soon. I know it sounds petty but it feels he is being failed at every opportunity. We knew he had pleural plaques 4 years ago and he started a case but I didn’t like prying. He died of lung cancer that was everywhere so I don’t know what to do or what to expect. 

DaveyBo
Posted by

Hi Minniemoo

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.  I think that the consultant can only give you what he thinks will happen based on other people who have been the same.  This means that some will pass sooner and others much later.  It is this suddenness which makes the grief more painful because you would not have had time to say your final goodbyes.  Your dad would know how much you loved him and this would have given him great comfort.  Always talk to your dad whenever you want - even when coming back in the house just say something like "Oooh it's warm today" - he will always be around you, listening, and will try to support and guide as best he can. You could also try visiting one your dads favourite places on your own, talk to him and quietly wait for a response such as a breath of wind on a still day or a bird coming very close.  I'm not sure what the form is that you mention but i think at the moment there will be a backlog for things to be actioned.  You may still get something - I received winter fuel allowance 2 months after my dad passed because he had been alive during the assessment week and therefore he (his estate) was entitled to the money.  You could try any helpline numbers relating - this link has some information and the relevant phone numbers you could try.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.  Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

Pmcd
Posted by

Oh minniemoo 

your heart is broken.  I’m so sorry for your loss.  you sound  like a lovely daughter  xo. 

Dont be afraid to use this website.  I use it following diagnoses.  I did t know where to turn.  Despite family, friends and loads medical,professionals.  However the people on these sites helped me work through things.  They will help you. 

No question is too trivial.  Ask as much as you like. Someone will help xo

pauline