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Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Lost my dad in jan

GTP
Posted by

Hi,

I lost my lovely dad in January. He was diagnosed with glioblastoma in September last year and it took him in 4 months.it was all so very fast. Im struggling a bit recently,  living in this strange world and having 2 young kids i just dont know how to cope with it all.

DaveyBo
Posted by

Hi GTP

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your father.

You are no alone you can post here any time 24/7 and someone will respond to you.  You need to stay strong for your children but also need to have your own time to grieve.  I know times are difficult at present but is there anyone who could look after them for a few hours so that you can have this time?  Maybe you could visit one of your dads favourite places, talk to him and quietly wait for any response.  he will always try be near and guide and support you as best he can.  Have you thought of starting a memory book?  You can include stories from your childhood, stories your dad told you about his childhood, stories from other family members and friends of your dad and photographs.  This will help you to get some your emotions out and you can involve the children - it will also help them and give them something to keep for the future.  Try to remember your dad at his best and ask what he would want you to do - ask out loud and watch for any signs that he is listening.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.  Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

GTP
Posted by

Thank you David.

Thats a beautiful poem.

I just feel a bit lost. I can't belive any of those words. I just feel like it something we tell ourselves to make us feel  better about the loss. Right now i just feel like its all just dust. We just cease to exist and thats it. I didnt want dad to be cremated but its what  he wanted and all thats left is just dust. I wish i knew how to process this all and not just feel desperately anxious all the time.

DaveyBo
Posted by

Hi GTP

I understand how you feel - this is a normal part of the grieving process.  You will find your own way of dealing with this but you could try somethings such as looking at his photo and mentioning the weather or suggesting a walk around the park.  Go for a walk and imagine he is there with you and mention how nice the flowers look.  This may sound silly to some people but many find this works.  Try to think what your dad would want you to do and feel.  

Please call the support line for a free confidential chat and see if there is any support in your local area.  Also, post here anything you want whenever you want and you will always get support.

Sending you another hug and best wishes.

Gillyflower1328
Posted by

Hi GTP

I think I understand how you are feeling. I lost my lovely mum to ovarian cancer on Valentine’s Day. She was feeling fine till early December and then became so ill. The NHS were not the best and finally I managed to get her in the hospice where she was properly looked after for the first time. I stayed with her for the last 5 weeks of her life and held her hand as she passed away. I was and still am heartbroken. I have her ashes and my dads and I’m struggling to accept that’s all there is of their lives. I have been  having counselling and whilst I’m told what I feel is normal, it’s still hard to deal with. Focusing on happy memories just seems to heighten the feeling that I won’t ever have those times again with her and my dad. I am off work as I just cannot deal with normal things somedays- decision making is awful. I’ve found myself spending 30 mins trying to choose  what to eat and then ending up not bothering cos I can’t decide. Before lockdown I drove through red lights more than once as I found it difficult to concentrate. Lockdown has made it worse because I can’t sort any of mums things at her house, it all needs sorting and I know that I have all that to do which will upset me all over again. All the uncertainty makes me even more anxious and some days I just wish I could be with my mum and dad again. I just so want her to tell me she was ok and not in pain those last few days. It was awful to watch and certainly not a peaceful death seen in films. It has traumatised me. I don’t sleep more than 4 hours a night and then spend the rest of the time thinking about her last months and the failings in her medical care. I find all this admiration for the NHS at the moment hard to deal with as my mums care by several nhs professionals was shocking. I’ve been signed off sick since her death and now work are hassling me as they obviously feel that I should have got over it by now. But I haven’t and find it hard to see when and how I will feel less pain than I do now. My life has forever changed and it’s hard to accept she’s not here to talk to.All her things have to go and it makes me feel- what’s the point of it all? Coronavirus has made everything worse as all my anxiety is heightened as nothing is familiar, not even shopping, it’s as if my whole world is different and I’m struggling to adjust/cope. I’m sorry I probably haven’t given you much help in processing what you feel but just wanted you to know that I understand what your saying. I think grief affects everyone differently and one day we may find comfort .I was devastated when my dad died suddenly 5 years ago and whilst I believe I never stopped feeling the pain of his death, other events and looking after mum, became gradually more my focus than his death so I felt less sad, but I don’t think it ever went away totally. I try to do one day at a time and not focus on the future cos at the moment the future seems bleak. I would suggest counselling, just talking to someone can help to offload feelings even if they don’t go away. I hope we can find a way through this all.
Sending lots of love. Xx