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Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Nine months since I lost my mum

BlueSamantha
Posted by

Hi everyone, I’m new to this and just looking to chat with people who have similar experiences to me. 

I lost my mum almost 9 months ago after a couple of years of her being ill. I still feel like it all happened only a couple of weeks ago and I’m struggling to come to terms with life without her. I, maybe naively, thought that it would have started to get easier by now. I know I’ll always grieve her death but sometimes it is still so raw. I lie awake at night just crying for her. I feel so sad for her and all the things she is missing out on (she died aged 61 and had still had so much planned for her life). It feels like other people just don’t understand that it’s still so hard and they think I’ve ‘moved on’. I wonder if I should have made more progress by now or if anyone else has had a similar experience?

I know that people are going through some awful things in the world at the moment, and I hope everyone on here is ok. 

DaveyBo
Posted by

Hi BlueSamantha

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.

Your emotions are perfectly normal - we all grieve in our own way and at our own pace.  You will move on when the time is right for you - your own mind will know when this is and will aid you through your grieving.  Remember, your mum will always be as near to you as she can and will try to support and guide you as best she can.  There are a few things you can try to help the process - write a memory book with stories from your childhood, stories your mum told you about her childhood, include pictures and memories from other family members and any of your mums friends; visit one of her favourite places on your own and talk to her and quietly wait to see if there is any response, this could be a bird coming very close or a breath of wind on a calm day.

Those people who don't seem to understand maybe have not had a similar experience and therefore struggle with it.  Try to find a family member or a very close (true) friend who you can talk to any time of day or night and who will listen and just hold you if that's all that's needed.  A true friend will know how to respond to you and give you the support you need.  Crying at night will help as it prevents you bottling things up but remember what you mum would want you to do such as not staying awake too long and suffering from lack of sleep.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.  Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

mrschev
Posted by

Hello BlueSamantha,

I am so sorry you lost your Mum.  I lost my mum just over a year ago and I feel very similar to you.  She was 62 when she died and didn't even have the chance to retire.  I drive myself mad thinking about all the things she is missing and I feel very angry that she isn't here anymore.

I know what you mean, other people don't understand and I know I appear to have moved on in that I can go to work, make tea, laugh and sing (which a year ago I felt I would never do again).  But the grief and pain are still there, I just don't let people see it.

I read a quote not long after Mum died that really angered me, because it said you never get over grief, you just learn to live with it.  When Mum had first died the grief was so enormous and I remember thinking I can't live with this.  Its too hard, its too painful and overwhelming. But a year later I can see that the quote is true.  My grief is still there, but I can live with it.  And I can see past Mum's illness and remember all the happy, funny times and I can hear her when I talk to my kids or my class (we were/are both teachers) and I hear her voice in my head giving me advice like she always did.

I'm not sure if any of this helps, but I wanted to let you know that I feel/have felt like you described so you're not alone in how you feel.  A good friend helped me when she said 'We were both just so lucky to have such lovely, caring, loving and special Mums.  That is why it is so hard to lose them,'  I'm sure this is the case for you too.

Big hugs xx