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My Mum was the strongest lady I know! She was initially diagnosed with Acute myeloid leukaemia in 2017 (AML) first round of chemo was unsuccessful, and was therefore referred for a bone marrow transplant, prior to this the leukaemia has found its way into her saliva gland (she had chemo and radiotherapy to eradicate this and it worked!!) fast Forward to 2018 she progressed to the bone marrow transplant in sept 2018 and that was a successful she was 100% graft of donor and everything was great for a whole year! And we celebrated the remission period! Then November 2019 it all started within shingles! She became super unwell, constantly vomiting, feeling dizzy unable to hear and see. December 2019 admitted to hospital as leukaemia was found in the spinal fluid, and she was having intrathecal chemo and it worked amazing it was eradicated, next step with radiotherapy! However a bone marrow was down and found low amounts of Leukaemia in the marrow and then she had 1 round of HIDAC.
fast forward January, my mum then suffered a stroke, both impairing her left side, speech and breathing. She ended up in ITU with multiple chest infections, neutropenic sepsis, difficulties in breathing and having another stroke which ended up with her on a ventilator at one point. She beat the odds we were told so many times she’s dying, she’s not got long to live ! Although the cancer was on remission there was a high chance of it coming back.
February / March 2020, she got better! Off the ventilator, breathing for herself and became with environmentally aware of her surroundings. She was then transferred to a stroke into for therapies. We had a choice we knew she want fit enough for haematology input but we knew our mum would want to at least try and build her strength! Which she said she started talking again, regained movement and was psychology sound. And was able to eat and drink!
End of March she came homeB I was so excited honestly the last 4 months I never thought she’d ever come home again ! I thought wow finally some normality, I’m so proud of where you’ve come from! Sadly 3 weeks inshe started to deteriorate she wasn’t how she was in hospital, we suspected a chest infection, she was also under palliative care who just thought it was her body slowly giving up the fight.
Friday 17th April, ended up in hospital needed huge amounts of oxygen, not conscious and on a syringe driver for comfort and pain control.
Wednesday 22nd April. My mum grew her wings! She fought so hard to live in this .
The Last 4-5 months I committed my time and put my life on hold to look after someone so precious to me, she was my absolute everything. Without her I deem unworthy, I’m worthless. I’m lost without her. Forever is too long to never see her again.
i know in the last few days of life, she was fighting so hard, fighting so hard you could see it in her body’s response. Wednesday 22nd morning, I said to her; “ Mum you rest now ok, you’ve fought so hard for every moment, and you’re a fighter and I’ll never ever forget everything you’ve ever done for me” and later that evening she took her last breathe.
im struggling to get the picture of her lifeless body out of my head, I keep imaging where she is now and if she’s scared! And that she needs me.
she knew her time was limited and she always said to me “I’m not scared to die, but I’m scared about leaving you”
right now I’m Lost. It’s only been two days but already it’s been enough time without her. I honestly feel like living without her isn’t worth it
sorry for such a long mess!
Hi Lost.in. wonderland. I am so very sorry to read your post and to hear about how you are feeling.
I imagine right now that the loss is very raw and rightly so but If Ive read your post right then your mum was a strong woman and believe it or not she will have passed some of that strength on to you. It may not feel like it right now but it will have passed.
It strange because you had the same conversation with your mum that I had with my Dad who died almost 1 year ago now. He was not scared of dying either but was scared about leaving me. I thought about that a lot after my dad died and wondered what he meant, was it because he wasn't going to see me or was it because he knew what my personality was like and that I would mourn him forever if I allowed myself to. Dont get me wrong Ill miss him until the end of my days and I wish so many times he was still here so that I could talk to him. However, I will go on because he would have wanted me to and your mum would want the same for you.
She is at peace now and has no more pain that's the thought that needs to go into your head and stay there to replace the one where you think she is scared.
Im wondering if you might like to pick up the phone and give the Macmillan Line a call and have a chat with one of the Advisors there as they could maybe point you in the direction of some grief counselling which could help . 08088080000.
Meantime I sending some hugs your way for now and to re-assure you that time will change how you feel but right now its about dealing with all those feelings that you have and making sense of them.
Pleas stay in touch and think about speaking to the folks at Macmillan.
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My condolences on your great loss. I lost my mother in the fall of 2018 after a two and a half year battle with cancer. My mother was young enough her parents, my grandparents, were still alive when she passed away and per my mother's wishes, I have been taking care of them ever since. Helping do something that meant so much to my mother though made me realize that there is a lot to living even without my mother. I had to carry on her torch and make sure her name is still said. Gradually I took up other things that meant a lot to my mother and still to this day carry forth with them. It brings me great comfort.
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