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Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Is my lack of grief normal

Posted by

My mum passed two weeks ago. I've been the one arranging everything sorting paperwork etc... Obviously due to covid19 I've not been able to visit family etc as much as normal, I'm off work, the wee ones off school. So I'm just in this little home bubble. My mum had been in ill for about 2 years in and out of hopssiatl with various complications of her cancer, we've obviously avoided her to avoid any possible covid19 contamination so I've not seen her properly in about a month. Just sitting out in garden and video calls... She withered and wasted away towards the end then died quite violently if am honest so I've been thinking she's out of pain now so that's a plus... I'm gutted when I think about the grandkids being without her growing up cos they were her world.. but I only really get upset when I sit and think about things in detail...  When my mum died I thought I'd be wailing and lying in bed all day we were close... But I feel fine.... Not sure if it's an acceptance it was Gona happen, or the covid19 limbo or I'm a sociopath.. lol... But I'm ok.. I'm laughing with my partner.. having fun with my kid.. my brother who lived with her and was very close is devestated laying in bed all day drinking.. we've not had the funeral yet and dunno if it'll hit me then... But I've arranged everything, I'm also now  the elected person for caring for her partner so I'm busy.. 

I thought my mum would be on my mind every second.... And she's only there when I bring her to the forefront of my thoughts

Am I a psychopath? 

Posted by

Absolutely not. 

With terminal brain cancers, you know the ending well before it arrives so it isn't a surprise. My mother fought it for two and a half years. I know for sure I grieved more during those years when she was alive, especially in the weeks right after we first got the diagnosis, than I have done since her death. I think by doing that grieving early on while she was still here, I was able to process it and deal with it emotionally so that after her death, I had no issues to work out other than take care of the paperwork.

Posted by

You are not a psychopath. You are just dealing with it differently to what you see in films. I didn’t cry at my mums funeral (a month or so ago) and everyone thought I was weird - it’s just different. 

I imagine you will find that you get different levels of upset at different times. Given you have been doing all the arrangements and have the covid things and children to look after - it makes sense to my little brain that you can compartmentalise and cope that way. Life changes and how you cope is going to be normal for you. My biggest response (still is really) is being stunned... not really upset or sad just a bit “err what happened there” . 

be kind to yourself- do what’s right for you - with or without wailing tears you will go through the grief journey. x