I lost my dad almost 3 weeks ago and it’s starting to hit home that I am not going to hear his voice or hug him ever again.
Dad was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer just before my wedding in May last year, I remember clearly dancing with him at the reception knowing that he was dying and wanting the dance to never end. He had a course of chemotherapy not long after and 2 courses of radiotherapy, but the pain crept in and his body scan lit up with bone cancer.
After Christmas, things began properly going downhill, the morphine didn’t touch the pain he was in and had numerous stays in hospital and in a Sue Ryder hospice. Come the 30th July, he couldn’t take the pain at home anymore and was admitted into Stoke Manderville Hospital, with consultants umming and ahhing, whether they would operate on his fractured hip, they eventually agreed on the proviso we understood he might not make it through the operation but it would only be a pain relief option, he care through the op but never was the same again, he caught an infection and a week later he was vomiting blood to be told he had duodenal ulcers and then another infection. Sadly dads communication has started to fail and he stopped being able to eat and was sleeping most of the time, still in pain. On Tuesday 17th September we had a family meeting to be told he had days left, my dads wish was to pass in a hospice and thankfully they had a space on the grounds hospice. He came around the next day and grabbed mine and my mums hands so tight and spoke lightly. Once he was transferred to the hospice that afternoon he was sleeping again and moaning but I stayed and held his hand and kissed him, visited again on Thursday and I said I loved him and with as much strength he could said “and I love you too” they were the last words he uttered, Friday we visited and then Saturday, the moaning had changed to the rattling noise but he looked peaceful and comfortable, my mum and I left him at 3pm and went home to tidy his garden and at 6.55pm we received to call to say he had passed.
We had his funeral Friday just gone which was packed and beautifully conducted but now I know he has gone and he took a part of me with him, I know my life will never be the same again. My emotions are all over the place, I’m tearful, I’m angry, I feel guilty for not to have lived closer than I do to have sucked up the last few years with him, I’m wracked with my last week with him and can’t get those visions and thought out of my head to remember him before the discussing, vicious, nasty cancer claimed him but mostly I just want my dad back as he was before his illness xx sorry for waffling
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